Job Hunting Is The Worst Thing Ever Times Infinity. Also, Let's Discuss the Moon for a Moment.

Every time I get a solid reject slap in the face, I just go back in and beg for more.

Because THAT’S THE KINDA CHICK I AM, DAMMIT.

Job hunting is the worst. And it’s a catch-22 in a lot of cases. I am 26 years old, I have almost 6 years of professional experience, all in sales. Now, I am attempting to find a job in a completely different field. They SAY entry-level, but they don’t really mean it. They want someone who has some minimal experience, or maybe a college degree in that field. How to get experience in order to get hired and gain some experience?

Life’s little mysteries.

They also say “it’s easier to find a job if you already have one.” This one very well may be true. But then you have to figure out ways to go on interviews, for jobs you likely won’t get anyway, in the middle of you already-employed workday.

Getting a new job is a lot like moving to a different apartment or house. There are usually good reasons to make the move, you usually want to do it, and it generally puts you closer to where you want to be.

But damn, it sucks times infinity. PLUS ONE.

Job hunting and apartment hunting are both exercises in frustration. Eventually, you find something and you make the decision to take it, and it either works out better or it doesn’t.

But if you don’t even try, you’ll stay stuck in the same place forever, unhappy but not making any moves to fix it.

So, I guess in the end, no matter how discouraging or frustrating job hunting is, we’ll still slap on suits, take extra copies of our resumes, remember to wear the nice shoes, and then later, go home and start applying to more, after the rejection slap we just suffered at the hands of those that control our job fates.

Wow. Talk about depressing. Sorry for the weird sad note in this. It is a discouraging process, but I never let anything get me down for long! Here, enjoy this awesome picture of Liz Lemon from 30 Rock and Buzz Aldrin yelling at the moon. 

 Speaking of the moon, why do all the other planets we come across get cool names for their moons, like Jupiter’s “Callisto” and “Iocaste” and Saturn’s “Hyperion” and “Phoebe” (Phoebe is Saturn’s 9th moon and was discovered in the late 1800s. Wonder what made them go with Phoebe??), and all we get is “moon.”

It’s like, screw you, Earth, you don’t even get a NAME for your stupid moon. You only have one of them anyway. Or maybe it’s like when a small child has a teddy bear and almost always names him “Teddy.” Maybe we were too young and uninformed to be able to properly name our moon anything other that what it actually is. Though, we at least didn’t name Earth “Planet.” 

Imagine that. “Of all the planets in the solar system, Planet has supported life for this long...though we aren’t entirely convinced of the intelligence of said life. After all, they named their giant self-sustaining spaceship ‘Planet,’ even after calling all other 8 orbiting bodies in their vicinity planets as well.”

So, we escaped being made fun of by all the other, bigger planets on that score. If we are allowed to vote on it, I think we should name the planet something Earth-y. We name a lot of other planets moons after random gods and goddesses of lore. So, we should name our moon something more human-y, since so far, we’re the only humans we know of out here. And it’s OUR moon anyway, so screw what other planet’s being think we should call it.

Hmm...how about “Great Tide Controller of the Sky” or “Man Behind the Curtain” (heck yeah, Oz reference!), or maybe “Fred.” Maybe something more flora/fauna related? “Flower of the Night” or “Jungle Riptide.” You know what? Riptide Jungle would be a cool name for an 80's tribute hair band.

I don’t know, I am running out of name ideas here. Come on, help me out, people!

...lol, and if you think those are awesome names that I came up with on the fly, wait ‘til I have a puppy. Or a KID! I want a puppy, and I’d like to name it Dragon. We shall see, OH WE SHALL SEE.

Rawr! Dragon will eat your face! He's such a magnificent beast!

Gambling My Life Away

If my work had a talent show, I wouldn’t sing. I mean, come on, that would be so EXPECTED. I sing in my office, on the street, in the bathroom, quietly to myself in public, when I’m bored, when I’m happy, or when I’m writing a new song. And etcetera.

Wouldn’t want to be too obvious, now would we? However, I could enter the talent show with some chainsaw-juggling, or sword-swallowing, or perhaps some comedic monologue. First, I would need to learn to juggle while simultaneously not chopping off a limb, swallow a sword without dying, and then learn how to act.

...oh, look at that. I’m acting like I already know how. CHECK. CHECKEROO. CHECKTOWN, Population: 1.

Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. Unfortunately for Gump, he apparently never turned over the top of the box and saw the little map of what everything was. Life is like a huge poker game. You’re going in blind, you only know your own cards, you bluff your way through a lot of situations, and in the end, win or lose, you still played the game. Life is a gamble.

I like to gamble.

In fact, I come from a gambling family. My grandparents are cardsharks. My grandfather will steal all your pennies at the poker games we play without remorse, and with considerable skill. My grandma is also a great player and loves it. In fact, we’re all gamblers. We love casinos. The noise, the people, the vague desperation mixed with the heady scent of winning. You see all walks of life on the casino floor, and you can see the happiest and the saddest in people.

Word of advice: Never hit on a 12 or higher.

Life is sometimes simply a roll of the dice. You don’t know what will come up, you can’t guarantee any particular combination, but you know the basic parameters of the game, even if you don’t understand all the particular nuances yet.

Hmm...for me, life is like craps. I don’t understand all of it, but it looks and sounds hella fun, and I want to play! I will play. People say ‘life is short’ and I guess you can think so, but I disagree. Life is the longest thing any of us will ever experience! So experience the hell out of life! Drink beer, play cards, hang out with friends. Work hard, play hard, love hard.

NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENS HERE. But it seems really awesome.

When I love someone, I love hard. Whether it is a significant other, a friend, a family member, or string cheese, it doesn’t matter. I have a hard and steady type of love. It is unconditional. It never says “If only you didn’t do THIS.” or “I’d love you more if you were like THAT.” I am not talking about lust or companionship or even familial bonds.

My love isn’t soft, or minor, or small. I like, and I love, with all of myself. This has burned me in the past, of course. And I would be naive to say that I won’t ever get hurt by it again, but am I going to let some hurt feelings and perhaps a bruised ego stand in the way? Of course not. Life is all about the people you surround yourself with and the way you feel about yourself and those people. I have a support system of honest, amazing, rambunctious, loving friends and family, and I know every day how lucky I am to have them.

Soft, crappy, inconsequential love or like is the worst. When you are 2 steps above apathy. You like someone, but you wouldn’t go out of your way for them. No thanks, movin' on.

I wonder about people who don’t gamble at all, who never take any risks or jump from the plane. I don’t mean unnecessary risks, like jumping without a parachute, or playing Russian roulette with a kamikaze pilot. I just mean fun risks. Riding a scary roller coaster, skiing, falling in love at least once, learning something new, flicking a spider with your bare finger (gasp!).

I also wonder about people who can’t help but gamble. I mean, the compulsion of it, the hint of feeling like everything is riding on one card or roll of the die. I couldn’t live like that, constantly on the edge between destitute and elation, not sure which way you’d fall. I am a big believer in a comfortable middle ground.

Enjoy risk, but the golden rule always applies:

Never gamble with more than you can afford to lose.

Love is a gamble. Relationships are hard. They can be confusing and scary and exciting and comfortable, all at the same time. Wouldn’t be as fun if they were boring!

Love, my dear, young, sweet readers, is a ridiculous, silly, fun, treacherous, dangerous, scary, rewarding ride that everyone should try. Fear is fine. Everyone feels fear. But to allow that fear to hold you back from something that can so significantly impact your life in the best (and sometimes worst) way, is lacking courage. Courage, bravery, is when you do something even though it scares you.

In fact, I recently wrote a song about it. I had this phrase “Bravery in the face of fire” floating around in my head for quite a while, before finally writing a wonderful song about it and getting it out of my head and onto the page.

I hope, one day, to be 85 years old and still playing poker. I dislike the slot machines, but not because the odds are so terrible, and not because I dislike happy clanging and bells and whistles when you win. THAT I enjoy. I dislike the slot machines because they aren’t interactive. Playing poker and roulette and blackjack at least require a modicum of skill, and paying attention, and interacting with the dealer. I like that. :) Even when you lose, you get your money’s worth of play.

So there you have it. Life is not a box of chocolates or a bowl of cherries, or any of those trite things you read on Hallmark cards. Life is a gamble, a rush, a throw of the dice. So, play hard, love hard, bluff when you need to, learn how to lose gracefully, and know when to fold ‘em and walk away.

But trust me on this one: Never hit on a 12 or higher.

How Would The Pope React If God Was a Woman?

You know what would be awesome and more than a little hilarious? If there really was a god, and then when you die, you find out it’s a lesbian woman goddess.

All the religious people would be hella confused, and you’d practically be able to see their brains self-combust as they try to decide between a lifelong programmed response of “GOD HATES GAYS!” and the much more respectful sentiment of “Oh, well, ok, I can adapt. Guess you’re mighty pissed about that anti-gay demonstration and that I voted against the Fair Pay Act. Hmm...maybe I’ll just give myself a little time out to think about what I’ve done. I am going to go face that cloud, and later, maybe we can discuss this some more?”

Wonder what the Pope’s reaction would be? I just can't get this image of a stooped old white man in a bulletproof glass vehicle, just scratching his head and trying to make sense out of it. What would he say? What would he do? Would he attempt to communicate with the still-living to explain that they've had it all wrong and they need to do some rewriting of their laws and stuff?

ALANIS.And I'm heeeere! To remind youuu! Of the mess you left, when you went away! It's not faaaair!

So, that segues nicely into tell you what happened yesterday:
Monday morning, March 11th, 8 am: A guy gets on the 5 train and starts rambling on about how women should wear long jackets. He said that short jackets that don't cover your butt means you are going away from God, and that God hates women who wear short jackets. Then he started singing (an unfortunately catchy tune) about Judgement Day coming.

I ended up humming his stupid song during the rest of my walk to work. That was the most annoying part!

Swear to god, the EXACT SAME GUY got on my train again this morning. First words out of his mouth were "Long jackets, ladies! LONG JACKETS." No explanation this time. Some people looked confused. But I knew what was going on, so I continued my time-tested method of ignoring the heck out of people and reading my Kindle. I love my Kindle.

I googled “Does god hate short jackets?” Just for funsies. The very top result was “Does God Hate Detroit?”

And I think we all know the answer to THAT question. Duh, of course He/She/It does.

I am not particularly religious, and it generally amuses me when I see train preachers, or Turlington Plaza preachers (Go Gators!) or when random customers used to try to convince me that Judaism was wrong and we just “didn’t understand” and would leave those ridiculous Jesus brochures as a “tip” when I was a waitress. (If I wanted to explore Jesus, I could get my own brochures and Zagat book to plan my trip.) Note to self: pamphlets, brochures, and business cards of any kind do not constitute a tip.

Even though people who try to convert me don’t really bother me most of the time, I do sometimes find that it is difficult for me to refrain from just interrupting them mid-sentence and yelling “Yeah? Well there’s a REASON YOU WEREN’T CHOSEN!” And then grabbing my star of David necklace and holding it out as though to ward them off, and then running away frantically.

I just think it would be so funny!

Pretty sure the Westboro Baptist Church people would be the MOST startled to find that God was a lesbian goddess. It would basically immediately prove that their entire life’s mission had been not only meaningless, but in fact, completely opposing to what Goddess wants/loves/tolerates/preaches.

Speaking of Westboro: I hate you all. However, I am seeing more and more articles online of people using their hatred and animosity against them. People like hysterical comedian Lisa Lampanelli, who when WBC protested one of her shows, she went outside, counted how many were there, and then donated $1000 for each member in the protest to the Gay Mens Health Crisis.

Or Clayton High School in Missouri. In February, for some unknown reason, WBC decided to protest against gay people there. In response, the Clayton H.S. Gay-Straight Alliance held a counter-protest. Them, fellow members of their community and even kids from other schools, raised money for every minute the WBC was there protesting. The Clayton GSA had a protest slogan too: “Love Conquers Hate.”

Simply by continuing to protest, and to carry out their ridiculous hatred across the country, the WBC is actually helping raise money for what they are protesting against.

Is there anything more amazing and heartwarming than teenagers, in addition to tons of people from their own community, coming together to preach love and tolerance, and showing their support for one another?

http://www.sodahead.com/living/quizhow-friendly-are-you/question-2533385/?link=ibaf&q=&esrc=s

Freaking gorgeous. It just goes to show that yes, love can conquer hate, tolerance is spreading, and we, the younger generation, can change the world and make our mark.

Let us conclude this with a short prayer:

Oh, Lesbian Goddess in the Sky. We pray to you for many things, praise you for many things you do, and sometimes, we pray really hard for the Yankees to take the pennant again this year. Peace out, Lady In The Sky.

Praying or just got hit with a ball? Who knows?

Watching the Oscars for the First Time.

So, last weekend for the first time in my life, I watched the Oscars. Of course, I didn’t watch all the crap leading up to it, as I don’t care who wore what and more importantly, Chopped was on.

Boyfriend had a couple of guy friends over, and they were talking about Seth MacFarlane, and we all think he’s funny, so we switched it on for at least the opening monologue. And ended up leaving it on all night.

Let me reiterate: I was there. But I was the ONLY girl there. And don’t even think about letting them tell you it was all me watching the Oscars.

The “We Saw Your Boobs” song was funny (If you missed it, watch it here!). I don’t get why some people are getting all offended by it in real life. First off, he didn’t sing about YOUR boobs. Secondly, all the ones he mentioned are legitimate celebrity-boob-sightings, and thirdly, it’s not like he filmed their boobs and showed it to people. The actresses chose to strips down in the movies. And it was FUNNY. Grow a humerus, people.

Actually, the whole thing was pretty entertaining. Boyfriend and I go see most new movies (Damn right, new Die Hard! I love you, Bruce Willis! You’re the old, white, bald action hero of my dreams!), and so we’d actually seen a good maybe 80% of the movies that were nominated, which was kinda cool.

And how amazing is the name “Quvenzhane”? So, so amazeballs. I’ve been using the word “amazeballs” more than usual lately. I’m not really sure why, I just find it fun to say.

One thing I don’t get: all the hate on Anne Hathaway. Come on, people! The Princess Diaries? Ella Enchanted? EXACTLY. She’s rad and she can sing. Suck it up, Buttercup, I think she’s great.

But not as great as Jennifer Lawrence, whom I also love. Go HERE and read some of her funniest and best quotes, and I know you’ll agree. She’s the kind of girl I’d love to hang out with, maybe go drinking and to a casino. Or for margaritas and nachos. Because come on, everyone loves margaritas and nachos. Also, she flipped the bird to the press at the Oscars because one of them made a snarky remark about trying not to fall next time. The look on her face? Priceless.

The one finger salute...

...Realizing she's in a room full of press at the Oscars.

Also, I really liked the Hunger Games books and she’s done a good job so far not making Katniss terrible. Jennifer Lawrence, if you’re reading this, you wanna come over to my place for beer and wine and some full-contact Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps some Taboo or Cranium, if we want to get really crazy.

Anyway, I sat around for a few hours watching the Oscars with 3 dudes, while playing a puzzle game on a tablet thingy. We had some fun colorful commentary. I do think Ben Affleck should have been nominated more for Argo. That movie was great. One of the few dramas I saw. (I am usually much more into comedies and action. I like some drama, but I rarely-to-never watch horror movies. I get too into them and get freaked out.)

Speaking of movies, I saw the new Die Hard (what is it, the 17th?) last weekend. It was awesome. Oh, sigh, Bruce Willis, I love you and your bald shiny head (other shiny bald-headed guys I like include Tom Colicchio [I met him!!] and Patrick Stewart [sadly, I’ve not met him]). I don’t know how many more times Willis can be McClane before he is too old to run from explosions, but I am not-so-secretly hoping for at least one more! Other action stars who may be getting a little old for grabbing onto the bottom of helicopters and hanging off of them before shooting them down and falling to safety: Stallone (and if you’re reading this, my mother can quote all the Rambos! And I ran up the Rocky steps in Philly!), Clint Eastwood (though I love you, you’re like 80!), Harrison Ford (come on, you know the dude is old), and others. So sad.

LOOK AT THIS BEARD.

Don’t get me wrong, I love them all. But at some point, someone needs to stand up and say “Hey, man. I can’t be ninja-rolling on cars and jumping off the roof all day. Imma break a hip or somethin’.”

Though now that I think about it, a race consisting of only old guys ninja-rolling around and shooting at stuff would be pretty awesome. Survivor: Aging Badasses. WHO WILL GET THE ROSE? Wait. Wrong show? Is this the one where they vote each other off the island? Okay then. I want to place my vote to be allowed ON the island. When I was little, I wanted to be a Bat Boy at major league baseball games. Since that particular dream didn’t come true, and I am also not a boy, I think that I should be allowed to be the person who runs around to all the Badasses in this competition and give them schedules and run errands and stuff. Maybe even judge the competition. I have many skills!

I can see the ad for it in my head right now: They've saved the world. They've hunted the bad guys. And now...they are...IN IT TO WIN IT! Watch Chuck Norris try to roundhouse the competition in Survivor: Aging Badasses! This summer on FOX!

(If anyone at Fox uses that at some point, I demand payment! This blog is timestamped!)

Anyway, I feel like the Oscars were fun, in their own way. They certainly aren't the Tonys. I mean...they had Neil Patrick Harris! And musical numbers every 5 minutes. But I loved the Joseph Gordon Levitt-Harry Potter dance, and the other dancing numbers near the beginning. That was very cool. The Shatner bit was super cheesy, though!

Skyentists and Internauts.

I saw something online once that said “Someone really missed the boat, when not naming ‘astronauts’ skyentists."

That. Is. AMAZING. I wish anything in my life were even half as rad as the word “SKYENTIST.”

When I was younger, I wanted to be an astrophysicist. Nowadays, I’m lucky I can spell it without red squiggles appearing under it. I did, though. I have always been fascinated by space and astronomy and the search for life on other planets. I am still intrigued by it. If I thought I could pass the physical exam (I can’t), I would have loved to be an astronaut. And now, I only wish I could work for NASA. I even went to Space Camp in the 7th grade!

I have a cousin who works for NASA in Houston. I am jealous of his job with many of the breaths that come from my body. Not ALL of the breaths I have. I mean, he’s still a boy. And remember, one of the laws of the universe is that Girls Rule, Boys Drool. Duh.

This may seem off topic, but it isn’t: The French word for “an internet user” is “un internaute.” INTERNAUT. I am a French astronaut of the interwebz! Fear me and my floaty astronaut online powers!

The internet is a magical, magical place. When I was a kid, I was fascinated by the Encyclopedia. We had a full set of Encyclopedia Britannica. Also, I read the Encyclopedia Brown children’s books (and so started my lifelong enjoyment of reading about people solving mysteries and crimes. Oh, Sherlock. I love you in all your different forms. Though, the BBC version is currently the top of my list. WILL THERE EVER BE A 3RD SERIES?).

So, I thought these huge leather bound encyclopedias were awesome. Filled with much of the knowledge in the known universe. I used it for school reports and looking up interesting tidbits about things from Alaska to Zionism.

This lasted until Encarta.

Which lasted until Google.

Google estimates that the Internet today contains about 5 million terabytes of data (1TB = 1,000GB), and claims it has only indexed a paltry 0.04% of it all (#9 on this list, which was, unfortunately, written in 2010, so possibly a bit off on the numbers at this point). Can you believe that? POINT ZERO FOUR PERCENT of the entire internet is indexed and searchable!

It really is amazing the sheer amount of information we have at our fingertips at any given time. Of course, I use it mostly for Facebook and cute fluffy baby animal pictures.

BABY PENGUINS.

The point here is that I have always loved space. I wish I was a skyentist! But perhaps I can console myself with the knowledge that at least I am an internaut. 

And now, I present to you: Adventures of The Internaut! It's a little comic I just drew!! Enjoy :)

Our intrepid Internaut is just hanging around, chillin' in space.

He comes upon a door.

Adventurers always open mysterious doors.

He is sucked into the Internet!

He searches and friends and plays. And explores!

Suddenly, he is ripped back out!

His mom is calling him down to dinner!

Our intrepid explorer is back out in space.

Until next time!

How To: Attract A Mate

Just in time for the sappiest non-holiday of the year, I present to you TIPS ON FINDING A MATE! We all know that Valentine’s Day is not a big deal. For one thing, you are either single or you aren’t. And spoiler alert, that's true the day after, too.

Personally, I have never taken V-Day too seriously. I mean, yeah, it can be a good excuse to have a date night with your significant other, maybe have steak that night instead of chicken, but I just don’t think it should be the be-all, end-all in a relationship. I am definitely not ANTI-arg-I-hate-you Valentines. I just am not "Oooooh I love you so much I am going to buy you 17 heart shaped balloons and a box of chocolates and wear high heels for you!" (This chick wears high heels for VERY FEW PEOPLE.)

I didn’t have a boyfriend on Valentine’s until college. And I didn’t really care. Instead of bashing on couples or screaming about how all men are big ol’ jerkfaces who wouldn’t recognize brilliance if it slapped them with a pancake, I just hung out with my friends like any other day. And once I did find myself a Valentine, I enjoyed him all the time, not just on sappy romance-y flowery holidays.

(I google image-searched for "Slap with a pancake" and no acceptable images came up. I didn't see a SINGLE image of someone being slapped with a pancake all duel-style. There were, however, pictures of Oprah and also bunny rabbits each with a pancake on their heads. We live in a weird, weird world.) 

And as for people who DO make it into a huge thing in their relationship, I just don’t get it. But to each their own!
 
Which brings me to my advice on how to attract a mate!

How to: Win a woman’s heart:
1. Walk around like a penguin. Here is a fact about penguins: Penguins are always in formalwear. That’s why they always get invited to the good parties, because they’re always dressed appropriately. Take a hint. To impress your ladyfriend, you should dress in a tuxedo, put your hand out to your sides, and *wakka wakka* and shuffle around.

Because that is hella sexy.

2. Remember the peacocks. Peacocks have brightly colored plumage that is for attracting a mate. Wear bright colors, stand out. And strut like a peacock. Have you SEEN those magnificent creatures?

3. Let your inner mushball free. As dudes, you may have been told that guys are MANLY! RAWR! And that no weakness is allowed in! But let me tell you, every guy I have ever known is a mushy ball of softy wrapped in manly flesh. And you know what? I am a girl and I know other girls, and we pretty much all agree that we love guys who cuddle, who can sit through a romantic comedy with the least amount of complaints, and who knows when it is time to stop doing chin-ups and cook dinner together.

4. Dance. I know, I know, you think you look like a flailing monkey having a seizure on the dance floor. I get it, we can’t all be Lord of the Dance, and really, why would you want to? I’m not saying you should be the best breakdancer at the Waffle House, I am saying, you are probably into music, and you probably have at least some rhythm. Get into it. Shuffle your feet, clap or snap, shimmy your shoulders. Just enjoy it. Remember, no one cares what you look like on the dance floor, they are all too concerned with how they look to worry about you. And dancing shows a certain amount of confidence in yourself....also sexy!

It's not unusual...!

***5. Remember names! Nothing is less sexy than when you’re flirting with someone and you go to exchange numbers and then they do that horribly-obvious-but-they-think-it’s-stealthy move of “Oh, um...how do you spell your name?” Because they have totally forgotten it. And you know you feel like a huge idiot when she’s like “Uhh...E-M-M-A........."

This one is not only for guys. Ladies, admit it! We have ALL done this, we’ve ALL felt like idiots, and then we suck it up, save it as “Redhead guy from Market Pub” and hope that is enough of a trigger for when we’re sober.***


LADIES! Now it is your turn. Tips for attracting a date-worthy dude. Because you all already know how to find one for just the moment. :) It’s part of our charm.

1. Be yourself! Stop trying to be the girls in Cosmo, or the movies, or Zooey Deschanel (MAN, she annoys me). Don’t read articles and try to be what you think guys want. Trust me, we are all idiots, guys and girls alike. Be YOURSELF. Would you really want to be in a relationship with someone you can’t be completely normal and boring in, like Saturday morning sweatpants-and-frosted-flakes-and-cartoons self? NOPE. Besides, think of how exhausting it would be to have to remember all that stuff all the time!

2. Remember the peacock! Damn, they are so magnificent.

3. Embrace your quirks. I admit it, I am a weirdo. But I am a cute weirdo who knows all my own weirdness. Don’t hide your weird stuff. You can’t tamp that down, and be normal for some stretch of time, and then one day, a few months later, you’re sitting down to a nice meal with this person you really like, and you’re saying “So, how was your day, dear?” And all of a sudden, your head explodes and all your weirdness and quirks come raining down like crazy-magma from a volcano, completely obliterating the shocked and horrified faces of the villagers below and encasing everything in ash.

And now, instead of finding out how his day went, you’re running around alphabetizing his books, reorganizing his closet by color, squeezing out the sponge because WHO JUST LEAVES IT WET IN THE SINK?, and turning the toilet paper roll over, because EVERYONE knows it should go ‘over’ and not ‘under’ because only heathens and psychos and people you hate leave it going the wrong way!

And so all your crazy bursts out in one gigantic ball of crazypants, instead of in small doses, which are better for digestion.

4. Be into stuff. Have hobbies and interests of your own and something that you’re passionate about. Guys find your passion awesome. If you are really passionate about your job, or a dream you have, or for kids or animals or something, share that. Same goes for the men. Be passionate about something (other than each other!). That passion and the obvious caring for something is very sexy and it just makes me want to know more about you and the thing you love.

Well, there you have it. You get all this amazing advice for just one low price! You lucky sons of a mother!

I hope maybe I answered some questions here. Yes, penguins are awesome and we should discuss penguins more often and I wish I owned a pet penguin that would sit on my lap and love me and snuggle with me and allow me to put a tiny penguin harness on it and take it for walks in Brooklyn, especially in the winter, and we could even go sledding together!

This could be my life. If only!

Where was I? Oh...yes. So, dance like no one is watching, sing like you’re in the shower, and laugh like you totally got the joke. :)