Life Lessons at Almost 30

The older I get, the more I come to understand that when it comes to friends and family, it's quality that matters, not quantity.
And also that just because someone is family, doesn't mean they always have your best interest in mind. Friends are the family we choose. And I happen to be incredibly lucky that my family is also amazing.

The older I get, the more I have learned to enjoy being alone.

The more I've learned what love is, and that love multiplies, and doesn't diminish any amount given when you love more people.

The more I've learned that real friends are true and real no matter the time and distance.

The older I get, the more I learn not to live with regrets. Learn from the mistakes and the disappointments, and move forward a better person. Living in regrets is wasteful to your current life and happiness.

The older I get, the more I appreciate what I have.
I can't count how many times I've turned to Fiance and said "We are so lucky, we have such a great life and we have each other. Look how lucky we are!" And I know it sounds trite, but it's so true. We are both hard workers with great work ethic, we are invested in our careers. We both got a college education (just finished paying off my student loans!!!!!!), and we are (and have long been) fully self-supporting. We have a great life, one we've worked for, and we make sure to take some time and appreciate how far we've come and how lucky and happy we are.

The older I get, the better I understand that bad things happen to good people.
You can be the best person, the most pious, the most giving, the funniest, or the smartest, or the biggest donator of time and money, and inevitably bad things will happen anyway. You cannot control what happens to you, what you CAN control is how you react to it and move forward. You could resent life and be bitter about the sucky things, or you can accept them and figure out how to pick up, move on, and continue to live.

The more I fully understand the phrase "life isn't fair."

The more I appreciate my parents.
I was not spoiled, I earned my allowance in blood, sweat, and chores. I got a job at 16 when the allowance stopped. I was held accountable for everything: my grades, the people I hung out with, my job, my chores, and my attitude. Seeing people my age as parents and seeing sometimes the way they raise their special snowflake, I more fully understand how lucky I was to be taught the value of money, the value of a good education, the goodness that comes with working to EARN the thing and not be given the thing.
My parents were not my friends, they were my parents. Thanks, parents.

The older I get, the more I love staying home on Friday night.

The more I understand that I will never learn patience. At this point, I don't think that's a virtue I've been given.

The older I get, the more I enjoy getting older and going on new adventures.

The older I get, the more I appreciate my personal confidence and recognize what confidence in myself has done for me in so many different aspects of my life.

The more I want to do the things I always wanted. I want to write a book, I want to sing more, I want to learn a new language. And as an adult...I can choose to do any of those things.

The older I get, the more crotchety I get. Ugh, neighbors (in an apartment building). 'Nuff said.

I wonder what I'll learn next?

Like Ash Ketchum to pokemon, I choose you.

Life is a series of choices. Everything I am, everything I do, everywhere I go, it's all the result of choices I'm making now or ones I've made in the past.

I'm 29 years old, and I don't exactly know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't see this as a bad thing at all. It drives me crazy when I see people in their 20s and 30s who claim they are "old" or that their best times are behind them.

How is that possible? You're only (statistically) a third of the way through life, but you're practically giving up! The next 60 years aren't looking superfun...

I love getting older, and I love new experiences. Even the things that scare me a little (skiing), I still want to try. I'm not decrepit and I have insurance, so if worse comes to worse, broken bones heal. I just want to experience life!

I want to travel more, see everything, learn a new language, jump out of a plane again. I want to share those experiences with the person I've chosen to spend my life with. I want to push him out of a plane and out of his comfort zone. I want him to push me off a cliff and down a mountain.

Relationships are more than comfort and ease. I love Fiance, very much. I also love my family and my friends and my life. I believe that good relationships are ones that push you. I want to be pushed, pulled, and contorted into new experiences, trying new foods, and doing stuff that scares me.

If it doesn't scare you a little bit, it's not worth doing. I had never been in love and wasn't really looking for it. I went on that date to have fun and meet a cool new person in my newly adopted home of Brooklyn. 5 years later, I'm marrying that guy.

Since we met, we have pushed each other. I pushed him into new social situations, into traveling the world, and out of the house on the weekends. He's pushed me into new hobbies, into a new and exciting life plan, into love, and into learning to love being alone sometimes.

I learn things from him. We learn from each other. We navigated moving in together, starting a home search, being our own family, and more. We read each others favorite authors, we have deep discussions about Batman vs Superman and what the best superpower would be (it's flying, duh. Invisibility is dumb.). We read the book and then go see the movie and then go over the differences. We've gotten more into politics and investing together. We've spent the last 5 years falling in love, loving life, and growing up together.

Why am I marrying him, when I am a little bit scared of marriage? Because I am a better person after being with him than I was before. Because he pushes me, teaches me, and learns from me. Because I would rather be arguing with him over something stupid than being in a waveless relationship with anyone else. Because at some point over the last 5 years, he has become my family, and I his. We are a team, and it's us against the world.

As trite as that may sound, that's how I know it's real, how I know I am fully in love.

Love is scary and confusing. I had never been in love with someone before, though I had loved many. I love my family and friends, I love my cat, and I feel that I have a deep capacity for love that only grows with each new person added to it.

I didn't know if I loved him. I didn't know how to tell if you're IN LOVE with someone. I learned that it's the little things. I wanted to stay in with him more than go out with other people. I would see or hear something and I'd think "I have got to tell him this!" I would think of a pun and have the need to tell him immediately, and watch him sigh and roll his eyes. He was the person I wanted to say good morning to. The ONLY person I could look at before having coffee.

I'm not afraid of marrying him at all. It's funny how some of the biggest fears in life are the things that are the most exciting. 

The Year of Weddings!

Some people were born in the year of the dragon or the tiger or the year of rain or the year of “hey, remember that one time?”

THIS is the YEAR OF WEDDINGS!

Before 2015, I’ve really only had 1 close friend (my very BEST friend in the whole world and I was maid of honor and it was amazing) get married, and that was in 2010.

Other than that, there were family weddings now and then. I was a flower girl a few times as a little kid, and I was a damn princess in my fluffy dresses. I was a bridesmaid when I was 16 in my big brother’s wedding (a story for another time…but I had a fender bender on the way to his wedding. I’d had my license for 3 weeks), and I was a bridesmaid in my cousin’s wedding 2 years ago. I’ve attended a couple family weddings over the years that I wasn’t in. I love weddings! But really, I’ve only attended a few as an adult.

NOT ANYMORE!

Last February, the first of my fiancé’s friends got engaged. 6 months later, another one got engaged, and a few months after that, Fiancé and I got engaged. At the same time, there was one couple who had been engaged for 6 years that decided it was time to be officially married!

Then launched the year of weddings. In July 2015, the first pair got married. Fiance was a groomsman, the food was amaaaaaazing, the venue was beautiful, and the bride looked like a beautiful fluffy white princess. In October, I attended my very first gay wedding and it was so fun! The ceremony was so touching, the music was mostly 90s and early 2000s and the crowd was dancing and hyped up.

Next is in November in Boston, a pair of close friends as well. Fiance is a groomsman again, and the couple is getting married in this really rad theater, and I am so excited!

And lastly is us. We’re the last ones in the wedding year, and we’re making everyone we know fly to another state to celebrate. Luckily, we’re asking many northerners to come south during deep winter, and so far the response has been very positive! Lots of family members have said they’re going to make it a vacation and see DisneyWorld and Universal and hang out in the Florida “winter,” which will be in the 60s…..cold for Floridians, practically summer for New Yorkers!

SO MANY WEDDINGS!

I love weddings. I love food, and dancing and parties and cake and my friends. Seriously, weddings are so much fun. And Fiance is great at weddings. I love to tease him and say that “Wedding Fiance is fun Fiancé!” He just has such a great time dancing with me and our friends to music we haven’t heard in years. He really just seems to love the party vibe.

It’s been really cool sharing this wedding process with these friends. July’s wedding was super traditional and elegant, October’s was more relaxed and casual, November’s is going to be a mix of traditional and casual, and mine will also be a mix but leaning towards a bit more formal. I’ve had a really good time hanging out with the other brides/grooms and talking about planning and our challenges and wins. It feels like we’re supporting each other. I can text the girls and ask about how they chose their photographer or what they’re doing for such-and-such.

My BFF has also been an incredible resource! She planned her own wedding on her own, and she knows a ton of people in the area we’re getting married. We’re using the same photographer she did!

My sister is an Event Planner and has planned a bajillion weddings and has been giving me tons of advice and showing me how to do stuff. She’s even offered to be a day-of coordinator!

It’s just all coming together. This wedding planning hasn’t been super stressful, and I’m just so lucky to have such supportive friends and family who are always happy to talk, hash things out, and give advice. This, the year of weddings, shall be remembered.

…and it will be easy to remember our friend’s anniversaries!

I Live Tweeted a Lady Preacher on the Train This Morning

So of course I just wrote a post about the dynamics of trains in NYC on Wednesday of this week. And this morning, I was auditorily assaulted by the preaching of an incredibly dedicated and oblivious train preacher. She started out at a soft-ish volume. It got increasingly louder. Here is what I tweeted/facebooked (direct copy/paste, edited for spelling/grammar) during my 35 minute morning commute.

7:38 am: 

Lady preacher on the train right now. She's claiming that jesus gave the world language. Maybe she is ignoring the written records prior to the bible....or even the old testament itself?

Know what I don't need at 730 am? More jesus.

7:41 am:

She’s also apparently a genealogist. Telling the masses that John the Baptist and Jesus are first cousins and John is 6 months older. Wonder if they competed like normal cousins? "My following is bigger than your following!" "Yeah well you don’t have a dad!" "I do too! He’s just not here; he’s off doing important god things!"

7:43 am:

Uh oh. We're up to the lecture about only calling on jesus/god when we are sick or need help and not just a regular "hey mom, love you, no I don’t need money but thanks" call.

7:47 am:

....something about jesus having a wall?

7:48 am:

When discussing how jesus created all language, she said, and I quote "we are all his chillens."

7:53:

Some people on the train are rebelling. Everyone has been quietly ignoring her, and she's steadily getting louder, up on her soapbox. Several train passengers have asked her to shut up. She has not taken that particular hint. She's giving us a common enemy...never a good thing unless you are ok with mutiny.

7:54 am:

Not a fan of called "my dear brothers and sisters" from someone yelling on a train.

8:01 am:

Update: she’s up to 35 minutes. No sign of vocal cords breaking down.

8:03 am :

Oooh a very loud soliloquy about judgement day. Lady, you're late! Yom Kippur was last week! I was judged, I’m good for another year!

8: 04 am:

Started at Newkirk Plaza in Brooklyn, ended at 34th/Herald in the city. Did not get to nap on the train this morning.

8:05 am:

New Yorkers on a train came together and breathed an audible sigh of relief when she got off. One muttered "I hate people!" Oh wait, that might have been me.

8:05 am:

Don't you just love it when people come together against a common enemy?

8:06 am:

It's over. Back to my regularly scheduled programming.

Artist rendering of someone who thinks it's okay in civilized society to get up and start telling a crowd full of groggy people on a Friday that they need to believe in this one specific thing or they are all going to H-E-double hockey sticks.

It was at this point that my journey ended and I got off the train, got a large Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and meandered into work. 

Like this, but bigger and MINE, ALL MINE.

A Moment of Zen on the Train in NYC

The trains in NY are the absolute epitome of diversity. Every age, tax bracket, ethnicity, and religion can be found on any of the trains. New York is known for being a melting pot, and it is never more evident than the subway system. In the city, and in Brooklyn, the neighborhoods themselves can be very diverse.

You can take a 15 minute walk and go through 2 or 3 distinctly different and individual neighborhoods. Maybe one is a very Jewish area with signs on stores in Hebrew, or a Russian neighborhood with Russian signs, each with different types of restaurants. Perfect example: In an orthodox Jewish neighborhood in Brooklyn, there is an amazing kosher deli. That isn’t strange. But there is also a Dunkin’ Donuts (national chain) that doesn’t serve bacon or anything mixing milk and meat. They adapted their national menu to suit the needs of the individual neighborhood. That is super rad, DD.

That distinct personality of different areas is what I love about New York. But the trains, there are no differences, no distinctions. It is the ultimate equalizer.

However, they can also be annoying. Although they are necessary and understandable, strollers on the train are very annoying. They take up a ton of space, and worse, they mark that a small child, who could scream at any possible moment, is aboard. Having large strollers or bikes or a large amount of small children is just the worse when it is rush hour. Every train is packed like a sardine can, and having a bike on board makes it more difficult for people to get on and off the trains. Having a bunch of kids just changes the dynamic.

The trains are eerily quiet during the rush hour times. There are 350 people within arms reach of you, but no one is talking. Some have headphones in, some are reading, some are playing Angry Birds, but everyone pretty much is keeping to themselves. They are creating a personal bubble, even though they are bare-arms-to-bare-sweaty-arms smooshed together. It is actually an interesting (to me) phenomenon.

Also annoying: train preachers, train dancers, train mariachi bands, train bums, really ANYONE who comes onto the trains to solicit money or preach about the lack of God in people. It disrupts the flow of the morning commute. First of all, the last thing I want to hear about at 7:15 am is how I need more Jesus in my life. OR A FRICKIN’ MARIACHI BAND.

Seriously, I am almost never in the mood for mariachi music 12 inches from my face. Or being yelled at that I'm a godless heathen.

NO.

Every now and then, though, it’s amazing. One day last week, on my afternoon commute home, without any fanfare or announcements, a gorgeous violin melody played throughout my train car. Afterwards, no one walked around with a hat asking for money. Just a few minutes of lovely peaceful violin music, and then it vanished. I didn’t even see the violinist, because the train was so crowded!

Yes.

Probably the worst are the train “dancers.” The teenagers who get on, play a loud tune, and then race up and down the center aisle, flinging themselves from pole to pole and twisting around them, kicking up to ceilings. They come really close to kicking commuters, it’s super disruptive, and just generally unappealing. And then they walk around with hats and ask each individual for money. No, I am not giving you a dollar for almost kicking me.

NO. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

But the trains are interesting. Many people, myself included, will nod off and doze to the rocking of the train. Many listen to music, some zone out, a lot of people read. It’s interesting how it is a peaceful train ride and quiet moment, while surrounded by masses of people. It's just very fascinating.

Letters To Myself

I recently saw this video, made by CBC Radio, about people giving advice to younger people, and shared it on my facebook. I love this video so, so much. I love how you can see the way confidence grows as one gets older. I’ve been very lucky in that from a very young age, I was confident in who I was and knew not to worry about what others (strangers) thought of me (most of the time). This particular skill has led me well in my life, and I try to pass that on to others.

As the old man says, no one knows what the hell they’re doing anyway! As one girl notes, you’re prettier than you think.

Words of wisdom I want to pass to myself:

Dear Me at 8,

Look before you leap. Literally. Stop breaking bones! It’s going to ruin your summer this year and you won’t be able to go swimming!

Dear Me at 12,

Middle School will end soon, it’s the most awkward time of your life. Laugh off the awkwardness and realize it’ll be over soon enough! Also, all 12-year-olds are idiots, it’s definitely not just you.

Dear Me at 16,

Some boys just really aren’t worth your time, your tears, or your energy. Someday soon you’ll figure out how to weed out the crappy ones. And don’t let those idiots affect your self-esteem! You are so much more than what high school boys think of you. Remember that you’re awesome, and not all 16 and 17-year-old boys are going to recognize that. AND STOP SMOKING.

Dear Me at 18,

We all make stupid decisions sometimes, just know that what you’re doing now will not ruin your life, because you are strong and you will come out the other side stronger and more prepared for life. And stop dating that guy! He doesn’t appreciate you and you should listen to your friends! Also, call your mother more. You are not a grown up yet and that’s ok.

Dear Me at 20,

Remember that real friends will be there for you in both good times and bad, and even though it hurts now, leaving behind toxic friends is the smartest decision.

Dear Me at 23,

Reach for your dreams!! You’re young, single, healthy, and have some money saved. Move out of state and follow your dreams. The absolute worst scenario is that it doesn’t work out, and then you’ll have learned a hard lesson. Trust me, do it. The rest of your life is waiting for you there.

Dear Me at 24,

Yes, try online dating. It’s weird and a little scary, but the love of your life is waiting. Don’t miss out on new opportunities just because it’s a little bit scary!

Dear Me at almost 30,

Your confidence will take you far. Stop nagging your fiance and remember, it’s ok for conversations to have a lull sometimes! Remember this time of love and wedding planning forever. Also, I'm pretty sure you're a grown up now. Deal with it.

Dear Future Me,

May you have all the love you can hold, all the dreams to keep flying towards, and the continued support of your partner in life. Don’t look back or have regrets. You can only apologize when necessary, learn from your mistakes, and move forward as a better person. Regrets will only bring you down. Do not ever live in the past. Always look to your partner and remember that you are a team. Life changes, people change, circumstances change, but you are strong, you are loved, and you are making a difference.

"Difficult People" Too Difficult For Me.

I super love Amy Poehler, and she is an Executive Producer of a new Hulu original series "Difficult People," so I gave it a shot. I couldn't even get through the first episode. The main characters aren't remotely likable, there isn't anything to make you want to root for them in the slightest, and they aren't quite cool enough to get to that feeling of "love to hate them."

No, they don't.

It’s like when you have a villain. You have The Joker, Hydra, Regina George. These people are so terrible, you hate them. You’re meant to hate them, even when you are meant to empathize with their beginnings (like Two Face!). They come in and they accept and embrace their terribleness and then they unleash it on people. Some are specific, like Hydra mostly targeting SHIELD, and some hate and terrorize everyone (*ahem* Regina George).

But these two main characters are just very stereotypically narcissistic. They are rude, they hate everyone, they have zero accountability or sense of decorum in any situation. The male character just up and leaves in the middle of his shift as a waiter because he doesn’t feel like being there. It’s not even funny, unfortunately.

And funny would have saved it. Maybe it’s like Parks & Rec, which started off kind of boring and not funny for the first few episodes, and then season 2 picked up and it just kept getting better and funnier as the characters figured out who they were. Unfortunately for "Difficult People," I will never know if this is true, because I couldn’t even get through the entirety of the very first one. My friend Desiree (check out her business here!) told me she watched all 4 episodes currently available, and it didn't get better after the first 2. Her exact words are "They are unbearable. Not funny, not interesting. Nothing is really going on. I'm so disappointed."

Here’s the thing. I understand that the show is about narcissists and trying to show what the world is like to people who truly believe it revolves around them. The LA Times discusses this theme, and says, “The charm of "Difficult People" is that it refuses to deal in charm.” But unlike the author of that article, Mary McNamara, I don’t really see how “self-centeredness has become not just predictable, but synonymous with adorable.” I do not agree that the abusive and painful nature of real narcissism is worth watching. As the title states, the show is about Difficult People. But why should I spend my time cringing from the main characters and feeling bad for their victims? Isn't the whole point of TV to be entertaining, sometimes thought-provoking, but mostly a story in which we can escape the unrelenting realness of being a responsible adult in the real world?

In what way is it entertaining to watch people bully their way through life expecting everything to go their way and then getting mad at the world when it doesn’t? If that was what I wanted to watch, I’d go get a toddler. At least in a toddler it is an understandable and somewhat acceptable way to learn how life works. A toddler doesn’t get what they want, and that kid cries. But it learns that they don’t always get what they want. Instead of watching a funny show meant for entertainment value, we’re left with an example of what happens when you never tell your child ‘no’ and allow them to believe that the world owes them something just for being in it.

As someone who is often lumped into the "millenial generation" and all of which that entails, I can understand the hate somewhat. Not that I believe most of what people assume about Millenials to be true, anyway. After all, I'm considered one and I manage to be an upstanding contributing member of society without narcissistic tendencies and I hate "participation trophies." Why would we watch a world in which these characters were always told they were a special snowflake, that they deserve all the best in life without working for it, and at best, never taught empathy or how to be polite?

Variety author Brian Lowry likens it to a Seinfeld vibe in some ways, with “the hardened shells that New Yorkers develop to navigate their way through such a densely packed city.” And he claims “watching [sic] was no chore at all.”  I do not agree with this, and it feels like more of a fluffy review than McNamara’s more intense and detailed explanation and review delving into the reasons why these people are the way they are, and discussing why this show makes sense the way it is, along with her reasons why the narcissism is displayed this way.

In the end, I watch TV to relax, and be entertained, and unfortunately, this show allowed neither.

Has anyone else seen this show? Am I simply missing something (perhaps the needed acerbic sense of humor)? What did you think?