Uniquely Normal

Why do people say stuff about being normal? Like, “Why can’t our family be normal?” and “Normal boyfriends don’t DO THAT.”

Why is “normal” something to strive for? I am weird, and strange and sometimes incomprehensible, definitely irrepressible, overly energetic, and I come from a family that puts the FUN in dysfunctional. I mean, why the hell would I give all that up? It's fun.

I love myself, my life, my family, and my completely weird boyfriend, too. He tries to hide it. When people first meet him, they think he’s pretty normal, and likely wonder how he ended up with weird ol’ me. But in truth, he is as bizarre as the rest of us, and funny, too! He just hides it better than others. I don't even bother trying to hide it. Take me as I am, world!

And what is “normal” anyway?

Dictionary.com says:
nor-mal
Adjective: Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
Noun: The usual, average, or typical state or condition.

Yeah, because that sounds like a fun way to live your life and experience adventure and excitement and emotions and be happy with who you are as an individual.

Take it from me. Whatever you think of as "normal" isn't even real! The ideal you think of as “normal” is simply a social construct of the present society, and that changes with each generation. What I, a 26 year old, may think of as normal, a 16 year old would think was something completely different, as would a 36 year old. By the same token, what I think of as normal now may be something completely different a few years down the line.

But what’s so great about it? Why do so many people think “If only my family/friends/job/life were normal, everything would be so much better!”

No, it wouldn’t.

Come on. Normal is overrated and in a large extent, doesn’t actually exist. Because what you think of as typical or usual will be completely different than what your cousin, or best friend, or sister may think of.

That’s it! Normal DOESN’T EXIST. There is no such thing as the “typical person” or “usual life experience.” Life, your life, is what you make it. Be yourself, be proud of the quirks that make you different, because if everyone were the same, we would be incredibly, unnaturally, wholly boring.

You’re unique! Just like everyone else in the world. :)

Here is a poster demonstrating that.

And here is a poster to remind everyone that just because you ARE unique, still doesn't mean you are all that and a bag of cheddar and sour cream chips, mmmkay?

Short Funny Poems. Yay!

So, I started out this post by toying with children's nursery rhymes. Tweaking them slightly, making it a bit more fun (for me, anyway!) Here are the ones I messed with. :)

Rain, rain, go away,
Come back when I’m sleeping.
If you endure,
I will lure
All the rainbows into my keeping.


^^That was not as menacing as I thought it was going to be when I first started writing that little stanza. I was planning to go with something more about getting revenge against the rain...but this is what came out, so okay, then.


Star light, star so bright,
So many stars I see tonight.
I wish I may, I wish I might
I’m trying to sleep, could you turn off the darn light?!


^^This could also be acceptable to shout at that ONE random lamppost that somehow ALWAYS manages to shine into my window. No matter where I live. I think it’s stalking me. Creeping in shadow, following my path, learning my habits, then BAM! Light in the face.


One, Two
Tie my shoe.
Three, Four
Lock the front door.
Five, Six
Picking up tix,
Seven, Eight
Jamming to the band ‘til late.
Nine, Ten
Encore! Do it again!

And then I somehow got into doing some haikus. And not just ANY haikus, but ones about life, and other random stuff! These were pretty fun. I will say, though, that perhaps I am WAY too into haikus today... 


A haiku for Monday mornings:
Buzz buzz buzz buzz SLAP.
I hate you, I hate you. Ugh.
Fine. I am awake.


A haiku for Thursday mornings:
Woo! I am awake!
Yay, thank god it’s Friday now!
Crapit. Wrong again.

A haiku on coffee:
Brown muddy liquid
Gold, you make my brain happy.
Want you in my blood.


A haiku for Sunday afternoons:
Laundry: Do yourself!
So selfish, with your demands!
Wash, dry, fold, hang, wear.


A haiku for Thanksgiving:
I love family!
So much food, so little time.
Turkey coma nap.


A haiku for shopping on Black Friday:
Give me that shirt, Bi**h!
These shoes belong to me now!
Giiiiiiiirl, I will cut you!


A haiku for a sunny day in NYC:
Sun shines down on me.
Napping under shady tree.
Do not steal my purse.


Haiku-ing at work:
Computer, don’t die!
I need you! I love you, please!
Do not fail me now.


A haiku about my lack of patience:
Get out of my way!
I hate waiting, long lines suck
I have no patience.

I miss hand-written
Letters, so personal, and
I love getting mail!


What my cat thinks about:
I am the king here.
That girl is my serving wench.
Feed me, wench! Purr purr.


What the dog thinks:
Oh my god, you’re home!
I missed you so very much!
Let’s go play outside!

New twist on an old joke :)
Knock, knock, who is there?
Interrupting cow out here!
Inter-moo-moo-moo-moo-moo!

Holy cow, there are more haikus there than I originally thought. Oh, well! Go, write some haikus! Feel free to share them with me, especially if they are either really funny or horrifically terrible. Those 2 general categories are my favorite kinds of categories! You know what else is fun? Sometimes, when I am at the gym working out, I do the workout in time to whatever song I am listening to. And sometimes, I think about how I would change a lyric here and there to make the song COMPLETELY different. Perfect example: In the song "Grenade" by Bruno Mars (more on my thoughts on that song found here), if you change "catch" to "throw," then he is singing about how he is going to get back at a girl who didn't love him and kissed with her eyes open (still weird) by throwing grenades at her. Also, he could add some stuff about napalm and guerrilla warfare. Could be verrrrrry interesting!

Deep Thoughts I've Had On The Train

I ride the train every day to and from work. So do most people who live in NY. That is probably where the similarities end. I am weird, and I have weird thoughts. And thanks to the invention of the smartphone, I no longer have to jot down ideas on my hand or a scrap of paper in my purse.

I have a nice long note in the “note app” on my phone, where I type in random thoughts and ideas I have while on the trains. It’s convenient, since I don’t have to dig around my purse, and it only takes a moment. But, and here’s the most important part, I’m weird.

I never know if I am jotting down something as an idea for some random thing later, could be song lyrics, might just be a funny quip I want to remember to tell someone later, or it could just be an observation about people I see on the train and the inexplicable things they do. Here is what it’s like in my head (you're welcome for this):

-Trains are not for people who get motion sickness.

-Flying is way better than invisibility. I mean, you’re not a ghost, you can’t go through walls, and it isn’t a mode of transportation. So, what? You may be invisible, but you’re still a guy on the bus. At least flying is way awesome and gets you to the crime scene. Or home in time for your favorite show, and without running into traffic, because it’s not like there are millions of other flying people up in the skies, clogging my way home.

-In some people, clearing their throat sounds incredibly similar to a cat hacking up a hairball. And it is probably inappropriate to wince.

-Spandex is not for everyone.

-Wearing workout (or yoga or spandex) pants does not necessarily mean you need to be working out at all times while wearing them. (There was an older lady doing lunges and squats. On the train. With other people around. I should mention there was no music, and it was the middle of the day. I guess I am just thankful she wasn’t wearing a Jane Fonda leotard...)

-Even if it is just water, no one wants to stand near the wet spot. We will actually invade each others personal space to avoid it. And as other train riders will attest, not too much will make us invade one another's personal bubble.

-It is eerily silent on the train during rush hour. In a very weird way. A couple hundred people all occupying the same space, and nothing is said. When you think about it, it's a little creepy.

-I think I might make it a thing, to be call people "Chief" in a somewhat condescending way, but do it with a smile on my face. This will cause maximum confusion-slash-annoyance. I don’t know why I thought of this while I was on a silent 8 am train ride.

-People have weird arguments. It’s like a little window of observation into other people’s lives. One you normally wouldn’t see, but for some bizarre reason, they think a train platform or a crowded seat is the best place to discuss whose fault it is that Tara doesn’t come over to the house any more, and maybe she doesn’t like us, or I think it’s because you didn’t compliment her shoes last time she was there and now I am going to call her and MAKE her tell me why she hates us, and I bet you anything it’s her deadbeat boyfriend who doesn’t want her hanging out anymore, ever since we took her to that strip club last month, and that was SO FUN. We should totally do that again sometime.

-”Holy cannoli” and “holy carp” are both so much more fun to say than “holy crap."

-If you are wearing headphones, why do I still need to hear your music? Is it for validation? Proof of your crappy taste in music (unless it's something I like)? Doesn't it hurt your ears for it to be so loud? 

-Have you ever just looked at someone and thought “Now there’s a person who types in all caps.”? (I know it’s weird. But I have had that exact thought about people. More than once. Think about it.)

(and speaking of caps lock...)
-Caps lock is like the “irrational screaming at hobos” button. That's what I imagine you are doing when you pointlessly write everything in all caps. That you are a crazy person who screams at hobos on the street while getting all red in the face and starting to sweat. And steam starts to shoot out of your ears. And then you are hilariously crushed by a falling ACME safe.

-I think my body is out to get me. I swear, if I am anywhere else in the whole world, I am totally fine, but the second I get on a train, my body starts taunting me, like “I wonder how far away a bathroom is.” and “You know what would be hilarious right now? A fart!” And I am just like “Quiet down, self! I am trying to read my Kindle here! Give us some time alone, we are in love! Kindle and I are IN LOVE and we want to be left alone and not argue about bathrooms. Oh man, I totally have to go to the bathroom.”

-Happened on the train one morning, which prompted me to make a fb status about it:
There was a bum on the train this morning, but she was overly aggressive. Like, "What! So I don't have no money! WHAT!" in one guys face and then a few seconds of quiet, and then "So, anybody got a dime or somethin'?" And I'm like "Whoa. Check your approach, you catch more flies with honey, dude."

-I wonder if pregnant ladies get sick on the train?

-There may or may not be a preacher on the this train. I am hearing occasional outbursts, at least one or 2 “Jesus!” claims, but it isn't loud enough to disturb me. Win. Or lose, if you're talking about the caliber of preacher this guy is.

-My life revolves around whether or not I get a seat on the train.

-This happened just this morning!
Some woman was listening to "Call Me Maybe" on her headphones, but it was so loud that several people away, I could clearly hear it. So I caught her eye, then started bobbing along and mouthing the words (I clearly wasn't wearing headphones). If looks could kill....but I dont know if she was embarrassed at being caught out listening to that song, or mad that I danced better than her.

And now, I leave you with this awesome comic from XKCD:

http://xkcd.com/152/ This is me.

Payday!

Ahhh, payday. One of the most anticipated joys of adulthood. Don’t get me wrong, there is a ton of stuff that is awesome about being an adult: I can go where I want, when I want, I can eat ice cream in my favorite flavor at any time of the day or night, I can eat meals from wherever I want, or not eat if I’m not hungry, I definitely pick out my own clothes (on second thought, that one might sometimes be a negative), I can travel alone, I don’t have a curfew, and most importantly, there are no annoying brothers at my apartment sticking their stinky feet anywhere near my face. No, now my boyfriend thinks it’s funny to do just that. Sigh. Boys!

Anyway! Back to the most wonderful of all things adult-y. PAYDAY. I always anticipate payday. Sometimes I am in the black and it is not a need-it-right-now type of anticipation, more of an “ahhh, money” type of feeling. Other times, I had all of my bills due out of the last paycheck, and then suddenly was like “OK! I have $13 to live on for the next week and a half! Aaaaaaand go!”

That is when I look MOST forward to the next payday.

This is what payday looks like in my dreams. But as a brunette.

It’s just kind of amazing. Sometimes, when work is slow, I can sit back and say to myself “HA! They are paying me for THIS!” And other times, work is insanely busy and I start to think “I don’t think they pay me enough for this...”

Today is payday in my world. But not if I owe you money. Then, I don’t even have a job. In fact, I died. Sorry, take it up with the Reaper.

It is just a nice, grown-up sort of feeling. To be compensated monetarily for work that I do. My parents didn’t do it that way. I was their kid, therefore I did chores, and money was not an incentive, though NOT doing the chores certainly held consequences.

Other grown up feelings for me include:
-Suddenly realizing I can skip whenever I want and no one can tell me not to.
-Having a conversation about things like “interest rates” and “investment opportunities” and having that bizarre are-we-really-talking-about-this feelings, but actually knowing what it all means.
-Making all the puns I want.
-Looking for apartments or at cars. Those make me feel remarkably grown up.
-Making decisions for traveling!
-Going to bed whenever I want!

Also, BALL PIT LIVING ROOM. BAM.

Weird things about being an adult:
-Your friends start getting married or having babies, and you’re like “Wait! I’m not ready for all this! I’m still only 13 on the inside and in maturity!”
-When you really want to sleep in, but you have “responsibilities.” Sigh.
-That weird feeling that sometimes comes over me like “I have no idea what I’m talking about!” Except that I really do, it just feels weird. Like politics. 10 years ago, I had no idea. Now, I follow them more. And that seems odd to me.
-Making all your own decisions. I still call my mom for advice and stuff, but really, it all comes down to me. That’s superweird.
-Buying furniture. You just don’t think about that stuff as a kid.


In conclusion, I like being adult-y and nyah-nyah to all those kids who are not. Also, I could so go for an ice cream sandwich right now. Or possibly waffles?

I leave you with this picture of a basset hound running. It made me laugh and if it doesn't make YOU laugh, then you are stone cold and I don't know if we should be friends anymore. 

In my head, he is thinking "Oh GOD WHY AM I running? What am I doing?!"

 

It’s Just A Flesh Wound!

This is how I described how I felt after being sick, to a friend: “Better, but not great. Example: I could probably bring myself to jump, but it wouldn’t be very high and I wouldn’t have a smile on while doing it.”

That was just one of those “ugh-not-feeling-well” days. You know, when you’re technically FINE and well enough to work, but you are just feeling a bit off?

And then there are the times when you actually do injure yourself dramatically, whether it is chopping of half a finger with a kitchen knife and ruining the broccoli, or taking a chainsaw to your knee, or pulling a groin muscle at the gym. It is at THOSE times that I realize that “Ehh, it’s not THAT bad, I can walk this off.”

Actual leg-chainsaw wound. Who knew they went IN?

 

Once, during my 6-year tenure as a waitress in high school and college, I was using a filet knife (really SUPER SHARP) and accidentally sliced down my pinky finger. The knife was so sharp I hadn’t even realized I’d cut myself until I saw the blood. There was a LOT of it. But I was still at work, so I wrapped it up and kept going. By the end of the shift, I’d gone through a bunch of paper towels and bandaids. The coolest thing about the whole thing was that you could actually see all the tissues and muscle, because I had cut it down to the bone (I am not squeamish).

It finally slowed down on the bleeding, and it wasn’t unbearably painful, so I just went home. The next morning, I realized it was worse than I’d thought, and I went to the ER to see about some stitches. Turns out, I did need them, but they won’t put any in if it has been more than 6 hours, due to bacteria n’ stuff. So, they bandaged and wrapped it and sent me on my way. I still have the scar.

But if I get a papercut? HELL NO! Call the ambulance because I think they’ll have to take the whole hand! Have you ever seen the Jackass movies? I have, and a lot of it is ridiculously funny. But they have this one bit where they take a manila envelope and they give each other papercuts on the webbing of their fingers and toes. I almost DIED. It was terrible and cringeworthy and hurt my very soul.

And yet, when I was 9, I broke my collarbone and when the doctor asked me how, I couldn’t remember. Probably because I was always doing stupid reckless stuff, so no particular incident leapt out at me. I also broke a lot of bones as a kid.

But it’s the same way when I’m sick. I have a cold and it’s like I’m dying. The worst is when someone (other than your mom) is trying to take care of you. I just want to lay in bed, unshowered and disgusting, and not be touched by anyone. The last thing I need is for anyone (other than my mom) seeing me that way. I just want to be left alone to sleep and die. I’m like a guy that way.

Have you ever been around a guy when he has a simple cold? I have 4 older brothers. This is what it’s like: “OH GOD, WHY ME? WHY DO YOU HATE ME SOOO? I AM DYING! IS MY DEATH ENOUGH TO APPEASE YOU, OH HATEFUL GOD OF THE SKY?!” And so on. Usually while laying in bed while Mom cooks something (or laughs).

But if any of us has something more serious, we kind of adopt an “ignore it and it will go away” mentality. I certainly do. “What? Pneumonia? Pffft. I feel ok. I’m definitely ok to work. I HAVE to work. There is no way I’m losing out on my long weekend in Myrtle Beach because some pansy-ass pneumonia dared to invade my Fortress of Bodily Amazingness and sacrifice my vacation days. *cough cough rattle* I’m good, I’m going to go prove it by skateboarding over a beached whale. That’ll show everyone!”

http://salesbox.synthasite.com/Skateboard_stuff.php

 I hear if you ignore it hard enough, it’s like it doesn’t even EXIST. And this pic is nice.






Also, one of my favorite phrases when i scrape something, injure something, or cut something is to mutter “Shake it off, walk it off, take it like a man.” No idea why, I’ve just said it for as long as I can remember when I or someone I know hurts themselves somehow.

Apartment Hunting, i.e. I Just Want A Place To Put All My Stuff While I Go Out & Work To Buy More Stuff!

Apartment hunting it NOTHING like buying a new car. When it comes to cars, you can do the research at home, go to the lots, take the cars for a test drive, and examine it up close and personal, and know that few to no butts have touched your brand new car seats. Car buying can be and often is an exciting, pleasurable experience, resulting in a brand-new this-is-EXACTLY-what-I-wanted! Car buying is fun.

Apartment hunting is the exact opposite of that experience. You see a place for 10 minutes, have no idea if the neighbors are 30-decibel gospel-CD-listeners at 2 am, if the washing machine works, or if the water pressure in the shower is more “chihuahua’s tinkle” or “Niagra Falls.” And then you decide almost immediately whether or not to give them your life savings, your social security number, and your signature in blood to live there.

I am in sales. I have been in sales for about 5 years now, and I know all the questions to ask, how to counter objections, and to close the sale. I am nowhere near Real Estate Broker level. I admit this! When we see an apartment, and the broker asks me what I think, I can usually tell them honestly if I just didn’t like it at all. I mean, we all know that there are definitely places we WILL NOT live, but it is a lot more difficult to admit I thought it was at least halfway decent.

Boyfriend: “Yeah, it’s a nice place.”
Me: “Yeah, I like it. Good space.”
Broker: “FILL OUT APP NOW! PLACE GOES FAST!”
Me and BF: “Umm...I’m not sure we are ready to make a decision.”
Broker: “WHERE IS YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE? IF WE GET IT IN NOW, YOU WILL ALSO RECEIVE A BRAND NEW MAILBOX! AND I WILL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND.”
Me and BF: “That’s nice, we are still looking, but thanks, this place is great.”
Broker: “YOU MUST SIGN NOW! THEY WILL TAKE MY FIRSTBORN IF YOU DON’T! AND HE IS MY FAVORITE. I TRIED TO OFFER MY THIRD-BORN AND THEY REFUSED MY SACRIFICE! SIGN HERE NOW!”

And that is basically what happens. I may have paraphrased a bit.

This guy is super creepy. His evil real estate smile is mocking me! So...this is a stock image, if you can't tell. lol

For me, apartment hunting in New York is like nothing else I've done. In Florida (where I am from), you drive to an apartment complex you think you might want to see, you go to the management office and see all the prices for different units, and then they take you to see one of the apartments. The worker who shows you the apartment doesn’t really care if you love it or not, because they are getting paid their $8 per hour whether you take it or not. And you can do this at as many apartment complexes as you’d like. It’s not too bad of a process.

In New York, you basically have about 30 days from your move-in date to look, and you scour things like Craigslist and Padmapper (actually, padmapper is pretty cool. It actually uses Google Maps and shows you the locations of the listings from CL and other sources), and then you have Brokers. And they have FEES. It’s a Finder’s Fee, basically. They find you an apartment, and then they find your wallet and empty it out with a hearty “Thanks! Have a great life!”

And you have a new home. Awww. :)

Some people say the ever-trite "Home is where the heart is." AWWWW THAT IS SO ADORABLE.

False.
Home is where all my crap is. I need some place to store it, and I need a place to sleep, so it just makes sense that it is one place for both. 

Also, I love my crap. MY CRAP is "stuff." YOUR STUFF is "crap." That's how this whole thing works. And I need my books. I LOVE my books and I think they make a home homier. So there.

On the plus side, we have actually seen some very nice apartments in our price range. The further out in Brooklyn you look, the more space you get for your money. As of this moment, we have 2 places that we like. One we are already approved for, but the renovations aren’t done, so we haven’t seen it whole yet, and one that is nice and homey, but we aren’t approved for yet. COME ON, UNIVERSE! We need some good vibes over here!

Anyone have any truly heinous, cry-it-out-hate-my-life apartment stories? Or one of those whoa-this-wasn’t-NEARLY-as-soulcrushingly-traumatizing-as-I-thought-it-was-going-to-be ones?

Gonna Party Like It's My Birthday!

Hey hey! So, today I am 26. I am not a prime number, nor an odd number, which are my favorites, but I AM ODD...so, there's that. :)

Since it's my birthday and I can do whatever I want, I figured I would post a couple of pictures that made me laugh, a couple of supremely random fb posts I made, and just an odd thought here and there. 

Random FB posts from me:
6/5/12:
There was a bum on the train this morning, but she was overly aggressive. Like, "What! So I don't have no money! WHAT!" in one guys face and then a few seconds of quiet, and then "So, anybody got a dime or somethin'?" And I'm like "Whoa. Check your approach, you catch more flies with honey, dude." 

[This is true, it happened this morning. Honestly, it seems like an odd approach to asking people for stuff.]

6/4/12:
Seriously just told someone: "Your cleverosity knows no bounds. It hurdles over obstacles like a great, majestic flamingo." in response to a superlame joke he made. :) heck yeah 

[Hey, even if it's a lame joke, it deserves an epic response. THE WORLD IS WATCHING YOUR LAME JOKES!]

5/31/12:
ugh, summer. The time when you now touch other people's bare arms with yours when sitting on the train. :P 

[Think about it, it's a little bit icky.]

5/29/12:
I was a c-section baby. I wasn't born, I was surgically removed. Like a tumor! LIKE A TOO-MAH! (Arnold Schwarzenegger voice!)

[I'm....I am weird.]

5/23/12: (a quote)
Awesome Jimmy Kimmel quote: "Aren't all marriages kind of gay? As a man, when you get married, essentially what you're saying is, "I will never touch another woman as long as I live, now let's put jewelry on each other and dance."'' I love this. :)

5/17/12:
Radios sing songs. I sing songs. Therefore, I am a radio.

[You've just been LOGICKED! This deteriorated in the comments into other logical conclusions.]


5/4/12:

Every now and then, I like to run up to one of my friends, and slap my palm to their forehead and yell "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"

You just never know when or if someone has been possessed, and by what.

[True. And it's fun to see their reactions. They are not all favorable.]

 

 

 

And avenge stuff n' shit.

Random thoughts:
-Sometimes, I look at someone, and I instinctively think to myself, "Now that is someone who types in all caps." This may be an effective early-warning system for douches. Is this a marketable idea?
-If you are wearing headphones, why do I still need to hear your music? Is for validation? For proof that you are, in fact, listening to terrible music? Doesn't it hurt your ears? Also, I'm just sayin'...there are times you might not want me to hear what you're listening to. That means you, large scary-looking biker-guy with head-bandana listening (loudly) to Celine Dion while bobbing your head like it's something more hardcore. I know the Titanic song, too.

 


 Bottom part is dumb. Top part is awesome. A bunch of people with doughnuts on fishing poles taunting riot police. This is what I imagine at least one of the cops is thinking: "Well....I AM hungry...and it's not like anyone else is eating them. I think they probably won't notice if only one is gone..." And one of the others is like "FRANK! FRANK! Dammit, Frank! Now look what you've done!"








 Today, I shall party like it's 1999, get a seat on the train, rock a Fedora, and possibly even other stuff. I know, it's a packed schedule, but I feel like if I wish on a star, cross my fingers, and catch a train as I walk into the station magically, then I'll be cool. :) 

I leave you with this epic picture. No caption necessary, really.