Little Florida Girl Experiences the Never-Ending Winter

I don’t get it. I have no idea what I have done to piss off the weather gods. It was gorgeous out last week and over the weekend, and spring definitely sprang up, all warm and fuzzy and beautiful, like a little baby kitten named Captain Fluffypants from the womb.

It lasted approximately 1.7 blinks, and then on Wednesday I woke up to snow.

WHYYYYYYYYY do the weather gods hate me so? I am just a little Florida girl who moved north to explore the unknown, and now they have heaped snow and ice and cold upon me!!

I am so done with winter. Seriously, so so done. And not only is it freezing outside, but my office is boiling hot inside, with the heat at 1000 degrees.

It’s like NYC wants everyone to be sad and just leave! Although, something that annoys me about NYC is that in order to leave NY to go to NJ (or anywhere south), you have to pay $15 bucks for the bridge, so you are punished when you try to escape, but then when you want to come back, you have to pay another $13 for the SAME bridge to get back in. Punished for leaving, and punished for coming home.

News flash: NYC does not want you.

But I want it, and so does everyone else, and that is why we put up with paying ridiculous bridge tolls, train delays, and crowded sidewalks filled with idiots who stop in the middle of the sidewalk to take pictures and chat while people flow around them like a river around rocks.

Of course, unlike the river, some of those people may say something rude or glare disparagingly at the rocks.

New York has a lot going for it. Amazing shows, museums, shopping, and some great parks. Very cool open markets and block parties, and you can buy pretty much anything here. I feel like if I needed to buy Uranium or a suitcase that has been converted into a refrigerator or a full working Iron Man costume, I could get it here.

What do I do, you may ask, to take advantage of this city full of diversity and culture? Eat Chinese food while watching the Big Bang Theory, thanks for asking.

I do love NY, despite it’s shortcomings. At heart, I am a city girl. I love the distinct and diverse neighborhoods, the brownstones, the fact that I can get any type of food for $10 or less, and that the trains are 24/7.

I do not love NY winters. This winter has been super cold with a ton of snow. Do you know what happens when it snows, and then rains and then snows again, with no warmer days to help melt? The answer is a thick sheet of ice covering everything, and that itself being covered by deceptively non-slide-y looking snow.

Our car was locked into a parking spot for almost 3 weeks, before it all melted enough to get into it and out of the spot.

Boots are helpful, but cannot shield you from all possible slip-sliding around.

Also, it’s totally freezing cold! So you bundle up in your 6 layers of clothes for the walk to the train, only for the train to be too warm, so you slightly unbundle and just suck it up, rebundle to walk to work, and then unbundle completely in your 1000 degree office.

It’s a whole process.

And I’ve actually seen women wearing high heels during these treacherous times. What could possibly possess you to wear high heels in NYC in the middle of an ice or snow day? Is adding a couple inches to your height more important to you than possibly breaking an ankle? I just don’t get it. Aside from the fact that the whole top of your foot is exposed to subzero temperatures!

Chicks be crazy, yo.

This winter has been my very own neverending story. And apparently, it is still not over. The best part about living in the north is the fall and spring. GIVE ME SPRING, WEATHER GODS, OR I SHALL WAGE WAR UPON YOU AND ALL THAT YOU STAND FOR AND LOVE.

My wrath is not a delicate, gentle thing. It is very wrath-like, I assure you. Don’t let my sunny optimism and sometimes-charming innocence fool you! Though it has fooled many others. People think I’m nice. NICE, ME? Pffft. I’m not nice. YOU DON’T KNOW ME. Well, that’s ludicrous, at least some of you know me. Or DO YOU?
*Cue Twilight Zone music now.*

Being Sick As An Adult.

Being sick is the worst.

When you’re a little kid, you get to stay home from school, you get a parent who stays home with you and plays with you, all the books and TV you could want, and you get to stay all cuddled up in your bed with mounds of blankets surrounded by snotrags and wheezing.

So basically, when you’re a little kid, being sick is awesome. Someone is attentive to your every wheeze and need and brings you magical soup whenever you want it.

When you’re an adult, you don’t live with these magical parents who can drop everything to take care of a sicko.

No, when you’re an adult you are on your own. And dude, it SUCKS. There’s already a lot to deal with as an adult: bills, a job, bills, money, and more bills. But on top of having to be in control of your own life and make all your own decisions and also be a decent human being, well, then you get sick.

And no one cares! Your friends and coworkers will feel bad for you. “Oh, that sucks,” they say. And “Aww, feel-better-don’t-breathe-on-me!”

And that’s nice and all, but not particularly helpful. You know what would be helpful? Someone to listen to me whine about feeling yucky and rub my back and bring me some damn abracadabra soup.

This is the closest image I could find to show you how I feel when I'm sick. It does not truly define it.

Alas, you are an adult. And no matter how much you love your significant other, they are not the ideal nurse. Boyfriend and I have had to take care of each other while we’re sick. And we do it with loving care, a lot of Nyquil, and soup. But no matter how much we might love and appreciate each other, even in the midst of achy sickness, there is only one person we want when we’re sick and achy and cranky and bored.

Mom.

Being a mom must be simultaneously the best and worst thing ever. I mean, here you have this awesome kid that you created and brought into the world and loves you. But you also have a whiny cranky snotfactory who calls you to complain about being sick, even though they live 2000 miles away and are 27 years old.

I appreciate you, Mom. I also appreciate the fact that no matter what, you have to listen to me complain and be cranky and whiny on the phone, because you’re my mom and that’s your JOB. It’s right there in the job description.

No matter how old I get, when I’m sick, I want my mom. My mom tells me how to feel better and gives me mostly-helpful suggestions, and for about half a second it’s like she’s right there with me, telling me I’ll be fine and that a nap DOES sound like a really great idea.

Boyfriend and I live pretty close to his parents. Once, I was in Florida visiting family for a week and he had a really bad cold. Did he lay in bed at home and whine and be sick like the rest of us? NO! That lucky guy just went over to his parent’s house and stayed with them for several days. He got the soup and the mom and the covers and the person checking on him and making sure he’s alive and everything! LUCKY JERKFACE.

Even worse is going to work. You know you’re sick, but if you’re like me, then you have the mentality of “Well, I can make it through today, because I might feel even worse tomorrow.” And then I go to work and do my job and even though I’m miserable, I feel like I've earned a Medal of Honor for working that day.

But when OTHER people are sick at work, I’m like “Go home, you’re going to infect us allllllll!!!”

I don’t know what happens between being a sick kid, which I don’t ever remember as being all THAT bad, and being sick as an adult, which basically feels like an earthquake is happening in my head, a hurricane is ripping through my belly, and a tsunami is coming out of my nose. It’s like all my fault lines are moving and acting up and I want to die in a hole.

The point to all of this is that no matter how old I am, no matter how far away I live, no matter what is happening in my life, when I’m sick, I want my mommy and everyone else just isn’t quite the same. Also, in general, I hate being touched when I’m sick.

This is what I want. But from farther away.

So in my world, an ideal situation when I’m sick is this: Being in a cold, dark room, dosed with enough Nyquil to knock out a large rabid lion, with my mom periodically bringing me soup and listening to me whine and carry on about how terrible life is and how my body has betrayed me on a molecular level, with her telling me that I’ll be fine and to go to sleep, all from about a 5-7 foot radius.

Is that too much to ask?!?!

How To: Travel Like A Rock Star

Do you enjoy traveling and seeing the world? Or perhaps travel quite a bit for work? Or maybe you think about traveling sometimes and wonder about possibly trying it out someday. Do you know anyone who has ever gone anywhere?

Then this article is for you.

The first step to traveling like a rock star is to be a bajillionaire.

Step 2: Buy a private plane.

Step 3: Go wherever you want, disregarding airport security measures.

Step 4: Get off plane where you land, and fan yourself from the heat with your benjamins.

For everyone else, let’s do this.

It all starts with what you wear. You start out thinking “Well, I want to look fly when we get there, so I am going to rock my skinny jeans and high heels and put on eyeliner like you’ve never even SEEN BEFORE.”

This is a terrible, terrible, very bad plan. If you are going on a flight that is longer than 1-2 hours in duration, you will very much regret your choices.

Let’s rethink this.

FIrst of all, comfort is key for traveling. Airplanes are like People of Walmart, except all stuck on a flying tin can together with a background ambiance of safety videos and screaming babies.

You will see some very fashionable people also traveling, but you will also be subjected to all the horrors of muumuus, too-tight spandex, sweats in every color, and flip flops as far as the eye can see.

And guess where those fashionable people sit? Up in first class, away from you and the other baby-toting, sweatpants-wearing peons. They get ottomans and real glass from which to drink their tiny bottles of wine.

Unlike us. We’re stuck in the no-legroom, baby-screaming-free-for-all that is Coach. And you can pretty it up all you want with terms like “Economy” and “Business Class,” but you aren’t fooling ANYONE. Coach is where there is always an unfortunate person stuck in the middle seat, the legroom is about 3 inches short of having room for your legs, and the guy in front of you inevitably puts back his seat while you’re in the MIDDLE of eating your individually packaged beef-with-instant-potatoes. DUDE I WAS USING MY TRAY TABLE.

So, back to the clothes. Trust me on this. For international flights, go with sweatpants. If you have a connecting flight and especially if you have more than one connecting flight, you will really, really appreciate slip on shoes or flip flops or ballet flats.

You know what is not fun at all? Walking through 3 airports, including customs and 2 security lines at 2 different airports in high heels.

None of them think you look sexy today.

How would I know, you may ask. WELL LET ME ENLIGHTEN YOU, STRANGER. I just came back from a trip to New Zealand. I live in New York City. It took 3 planes, 2 baggage claims, 2 security lines, and going through customs once EACH WAY to do that trip.

I wore jeans. I wanted to wear my comfy sleeping sweatpants, but Boyfriend though I shouldn’t because it was cold in NYC when we were leaving and I’d be cold and look ridiculous. You know what’s ridiculous? Wearing jeans for 25 hours straight with not a single minute of no-pants time in between.

I had to wear pants for FOREVER. No breaks, no pj shorts, no gym shorts, NOTHING. JUST JEANS. That waistband was not super comfortable 25 hours later.

I also wanted a shower, but that’s another thing.

Go for comfort and convenience and ease over trendy on long flights. Not one single person on the flight gives a single crap about your trendy outfit. You’re the only one who thinks about it at all. And after 25 hours and 2 miles of airports that you’ve walked through and baggage claims and stuff, you will hate those heels, and they will hate you back.

Also, on a trip that long, makeup is a waste. You’ll either rub it off or it will come off when you sleep.

Another important factor to consider when doing some long distance traveling is who you are traveling with.

If it is a significant other, you will want to make 100% sure that you really, really like that person. And that if they are cranky, you can handle it. It is completely impossible not to get a LITTLE cranky at some point during 25 solid hours of traveling. Try not to go with someone you’ll wind up hating.

Now that is some good advice, I should write an advice book! If you’re traveling with family, then do whatever you want. They are family and they’re forced to love you, even when you’re annoying and disgruntled.

Another tip is to have your itinerary on you. You should be able to see when your flight at the next airport is scheduled for, and know your flight numbers. You need some of that info on your customs forms, and if you threw out your boarding passes, you might be a tiny bit screwed. It will also make it easier to check in to the next flights in various airports.

When you are on more than one airline (like United for one flight, but Air NNZ for the next), you have to check in to them separately, checking into the next airline when you get to the next airport.

And then go through security again.

In the end, traveling the world is awesome. Once you’re already there.

Germ-riddled compressed air flying tin cans with wings and tiny bathrooms are not as fun.

The miracle of FLIGHT. Superman knows.

But hey, at least most international flights have those individual personal little TVs with movies and games and TV shows. It could be worse. You could be stuck with just a laptop that runs out of juice in hour 5 of the 14 hour flight, with no where to plug it in.

Someday, teleportation will exist and I will be first in line to beta test that molecular travel thingy. I love exploring new places and seeing different cultures, and how other people live their day to day lives.

I hate sleeping in tiny airplane seats, having to ask someone every time I want a new tiny cup of water, and getting restless. When I got restless on the plane, I would get up and walk to the back and do squats and jumping jacks. It may not have been pretty, but if I had sat in one place that whole time, I might’ve killed Boyfriend out of boredom. And somehow, I don’t think he’d fully appreciate that…

Yeah, yeah, flying is a miracle. I got almost completely halfway around the world in less than a day. And yeah, I got to be in the future, since it is 17 hours ahead there, so when I talked to someone back home, I got to make fun of them for living in the past. But in the end, when you get off the plane in the last airport at your destination, you’re going to hate traveling a little bit.

And then fall back in love with it because you get to see THIS.

Real, Live PENGUINS And Other NZ Adventures.

So I just came home from a super-magnificently-rad 2 week vacation in NEW ZEALAND with Boyfriend, my dad, my big brother, and my sister-in-law. 

I actually think of her as my big sis, but I can see how it would be weird for other people if I were to say "brother and sister and their 2 children" in the course of conversation. The "in law" moniker is only for designation, to show that we are from Alabama.

So, off we 4 went on the longest freaking flight EVER and eventually landed in NZ feeling mildly gross, kind of tired, weirdly achy, and in need of a shower and some teeth-brushing. 

I took over 200 pictures while we were there, and we spent the whole 2 weeks exploring the north island. Everywhere we went, the entire country is gorgeous and scenic and demanding you to just pull over to the side of the road and take a picture. Over 200 pictures and 95% of them are animals and landscapes. You really don't see MY adventures in NZ, so much as sheep, rolling greenery, lakes, AND PENGUINS. 

YESSSS. You read that right! I saw real live penguins IN THE TUX. 

It was amazing. I spent a lot of time watching penguins. Boyfriend, who thinks my obsession with penguins is both cute and a little unnatural, figured he'd enjoy it for 5 minutes and move on to the sharks. NOPE NOPE NOPE. He spent just as long as I did gazing down on these munchkins filled with adorableness and the wish to fly.

SQUEEEE! Penguins holding hands!!

THIS ONE HAS AN EGG.

They have gathered to discuss important things, like politics. The one on the far right is sitting on his egg.

 I have never felt so alive as when I was hangin' with the 'guins. 

This one is dancing. I love him.

Ok, moving on from penguins. Here are some non-animal related picture. They're pretty much all landscapes.

The beach on the Tasman Sea.

Ruakuri Cave in Waitomo, NZ.

 And the weather was just beautiful. All of these pictures were taken on my cell phone and they came out completely awesome! Look at this gorgeous day we had in Middle Earth!

Hobbiton from up by Bag's End. 

Part of Hobbiton from below. Adorable wee hobbit holes!

The lake by our campground near Rotorua, NZ. Sunset approaching.

A big-ass snowcapped mountain, with a volcano behind it on the right.

Aaaaaaaand back to animals. There are a lot of animals in New Zealand. Specifically, there are a lot of sheep. Sheep is a big deal there, with the wool and the delicious meat and all. They have delicious lamb dishes everywhere! 

Sheep!

Look at those amazing shofars...I mean horns.

MANY SHEEPS.

Here are more animals of whom I took portraits.

I happened to catch him as he was moving and caught his eye!

This little dude smiled for the camera.

BABY ALPACAS. I want to own one. I'll keep him with my penguin and they'll become unlikely best friends and go on adventures together forever.

Grown up alpacas eating from the palm of my hand!

Giant T-Rex on the side of the road and a cool sign.

I had a good time. It was very rad. And getting to chill with Boyfriend, big bro, sis-in-law, and dad for all of the adventures? Just made it even better. I can't wait to do it again in a couple to a few years, and all go somewhere else!

Gender Expectations?

I just read an article on Thought Catalog about 24 things you can do to be more of an old-school gentleman. A lot of it was good advice and common sense, like owning at least 1 suit and being able to wear it comfortably. Some of it was odd, like having a “Signature drink.”

But some of the people in the comments went NUTS. Men were saying over and over things like “take your gender stereotypes and shove it!” and saying “If I wrote an article on how to be a lady, I’d get lambasted!” They didn’t use the word “lambasted” but I put it there because it’s an awesome word and they should have used it.

Why are we so up in arms about being a “gentleman” or a “lady”? Are these terms now coming to mean that being one or the other is the only way to be classy? To get laid?

I don’t understand why we can’t have more articles like “Ways To Be A Nice Human Being” and “Common Sense Says These Things Are Attractive To The Opposite Sex.”

Mind blowing logic.

Here’s the thing. I am a classy chick. I can speak eloquently, use proper grammar, dress appropriately for an occasion, and not offend people every time I open my cakehole (I'm not a huge fan of pie).

I also fart and then giggle when Boyfriend notices, practice evil laughs when I’m at home alone, slam doors sometimes when I’m really mad, dance like a weirdo to make people laugh, talk in strange accents sometimes without noticing, and curse like a sailor when I feel like it.

Does that mean that I’m not a “lady”? Maybe to some people it does. But mostly I think it means I’m just me. Normal, human being me. Flawed, interesting, certainly imperfect, fun, silly, weird.

Why does it have to be offensive for a guy to ask me to cook? Because that is where we’re at. The thought catalog article said in one of it’s points was that men shouldn’t expect a woman to cook for them and they should know how to cook themselves. A commenter (rightly) pointed out that these days, if a man were to say the same thing about a woman, that he’d be told he was sexist and shouldn’t ask her to cook for him.

You know who's having a good day? THIS GUY! Fire!

The thing is, women’s rights, gay rights, civil rights, these are all huge, real, and important social issues. The woman’s right to choose, for instance, is important and shouldn’t be decided by the government (most of whom are men). The LGBT’s right the a legally recognized marriage shouldn’t be decided by religion, but by the fact that they are humans, full citizens, and deserving of the same rights as heterosexual unions. Just because YOU don’t want to get married to another person of the same sex as you certainly shouldn’t mean others can’t.

Just because you like the X-Files doesn’t mean I have to watch it or like it, too.

But the smaller things, we may be taking too far.

It’s not sexist if my boyfriend asks me to make dinner because he’s tired. Or if I ask him to go move the car, since he’s still wearing pants and I’m not. It’s just a natural give and take of a relationship.

ANY relationship. My friends, guys and girls alike, are not feeling marginalized by any of this.

Maybe we've gotten to a point as a society that we are just a little TOO careful about being PC, and not caring enough about the bigger issues. No, I am not "height challenged." I'm just short. That's not offensive, what's offensive is you thinking I'd be pissed off about something that stupid.

Bigger issues than being PC, being a "lady" or "gentleman," and the X-FIles: DOLPHIN-FLIPPIN' EVERYTHING. There are wars being fought, revolutions being waged, people living and dying, and the world at our feet. Perhaps we should worry more about the growing issue of childhood obesity in the US and less about giving each kid a "participation trophy."

If I ever have a kid, don't ever give it (after the age of about 6) a participation anything. The kid either won, placed, or didn't. I think we should be teaching our kids how to lose gracefully and how to aim high, as opposed to telling every single child that they are a special snowflake who is perfect in every way and can do everything amazingly. Statistically, not every kid can be an astronaut or president. I'm not saying we should crush children's dreams, I'm saying I don't think it's right to tell EVERY kid that they won when they did not win.

Whoa. Rant over!

Things I have put a lot of thought into lately:

New Zealand, long flights, and how Billy Joel is amazing and if you don’t agree with that, then meet me in the parking lot at 3 for some explosive hand gestures and some ridiculously excessive smack talk, because IT IS ON.

The Story of a Channel-Flipping Semi-Watcher of the Olympics.

Like many others in the world right now, I am a moderate, channel-flipping watcher of the Olympics. If I happen to flip past it while something interesting is happening, I’ll stop for a few minutes before moving on. I don’t go out of my way to watch it, though when I do, I find it interesting enough.

Yesterday I caught a few minutes of men’s skeleton and cross-country skiing. Cross-country skiing is weird. They look ridiculous, kind of run-skiing and pushing off all in unison. Some are in tracks, some aren’t, I don’t get it.

Skeleton is basically facedown ice-sledding on a luge course. It looks pretty cool, they go 80 miles an hour, but I have no idea how this is a sport. People train for this? How? Where might one go to find a giant luge course thing to practice on?

You know what IS a sport and should be a part of all Olympic gatherings?

DOLPHIN-FLIPPIN’ SKI BALLET.

Look at that! Look at the amazingness and see it’s beauty! I demand that you look at ski ballet and see it wondrous spirit!

Ski ballet. Cheesus crust why isn’t this still a thing? This is amazing and majestic and ridiculous. I need this in my life. The only thing that could possibly make ski ballet any better was if they wore those spandex-y figure skating outfits or if they did it in pairs. SYNCHRONIZED SKI BALLET.

WHY is it no longer an Olympic sport?? If bowling is, then this definitely should be. Look at the grace, the outfits, the pure joy of movement!

Dear God, it’s me, Margaret.

Please, please, for the love of you, give the world back ski ballet on an international platform in skimpy outfits and in synchronized pairs and groups. Please. I’ll be really good and make my bed every single day! I swear to you that I will stop cursing loudly for no apparent reason, if you do this for me. Ooooh...wait. I said cursing for NO reason, right? Because I really can’t promise I would stop cursing all together, that seems like a little much. Um...I can promise something else though? Maybe that I’ll stop eating pork? Because I can totally do that. I mean, I don’t even eat all that much pork now, and to be honest, I really like beef and turkey bacon, even though people who love bacon tend to agree that beef and turkey bacon is not real bacon. They’re wrong, it’s delicious. They should really just give it a shot, though I adore real bacon, too. Where was I? Oh, yes. Oh, please please please let the world have the magnificence of ski ballet once again. Thanks.

Love, Me.

The Olympics are cool and all. The long-held tradition of each nation bringing forth their most gifted athletes, who then battle it out individually for a chance at greatness. To the death!

...wait, wait. We aren’t in ancient Rome? No one dies? WELL THEN. The games have changed.

I wonder how to gods up on Olympus feel about us playing these games for medals, declaring the best of each sport in the world. Do they feel it is a tribute to them and allow us our competition? Or do they believe we are making a mockery out of Olympus and are slowly planning our complete annihilation?

Either way, congrats to the Olympians. And it is somewhat entertaining to watch.

I feel bad saying that, because these people have trained for most of their lives, hours a day, often missing out on fattening foods and late night parties in the prime of their teen years for the chance to one day, ONE DAY, hold that gold medal in their hands, proof that their dedication, hard work, and perseverance have paid off.

And I just flip the channel.

I wouldn't be so fast to change the channel if THIS was happening.