Texts From Cat

If My Cat Could Text

I love the Texts From Dog blog, I think it’s hysterical. But I don’t have a dog. I have a cat. Like most cats, he is random, launches off my belly sometimes, annoys me when I’m trying to sleep, is soft and warm and cuddly, and purrs like a tiny floofy motorboat when I get home after work.

He doesn’t knock things over, which is nice. But he does bite toes and fingers, which is not nice. He does not claw furniture, which is awesome. But he does wake me up before my alarm clock demanding breakfast, which is decidedly not awesome.

Sometimes I wish I could check in with him when I’m at work. Shoot him a quick text like “Hey, Dex, how is your day going?” Except he sleeps most of the day and then wants to play all night.

I looked up texts from cats, and the closest I could find was textsfrommittens.com, which is just not the same.

I love Dexter, that fluffy bastard. Here is what it would be like if he had opposable thumbs and figured out how to turn on the tablet while I’m at work:

Me: Hey, Mr. Fluffybutt! How is your day going?

Dexter: *selfie picture of his butt*

(I think he’s trying to say something about the nickname)

Dexter: You did not feed me, you tall sack of fleshy pale skin. I demand food.

Me: Yes, I did, Sweetie! Fed you chicken flavor before I left for work!

Dexter: It smelled gross, I stepped in it in disdain and tracked it across the rug in my room just to make you have to clean it. Give me food.

Me: I left your favorite toy in the living room!

Dexter: I played with it for 45 seconds. Time for a 13 hour nap.

Dexter: The door is closed and I want to go wander aimlessly in the building and sniff at other apartment doors.

Me: No.

Dexter: MROW MRRRRRROW MRRRRRROWWWWWWWW. (Followed by 170 texts with the same thing)

Dexter: *Picture of litterbox* Clean it, Human, or I will poop on your rug.

Me: I’ll clean it when I get home tonight.

Dexter: Damn right you will. WHO OWNS WHO?

Me: Stop snatching at my toes when I walk near you!

Dexter: I’m practicing my hunting skills.

Me: You’re an indoor cat in a one-animal house, there’s nothing to hunt!

Dexter: Practicing to hunt your toes harder when you LEAST EXPECT IT.

Me: What are you doing? I can hear you thumping around out there.

Dexter: A flying creature has invaded this home and I refuse to allow it to live.

Me: It’s just a fly, calm down. He can’t hurt you.

Dexter: IT SHALL DIE FOR OFFENDING ME.

Dexter: Are you eating cheese? I heard string cheese wrappers.

Me: Nooo, of course not.

Dexter: Give me some cheese, or kiss your shoelaces goodbye.

Dexter: You’re home, you’re home! Yay, I was so bored!

Me: Aww, I love you, Dex. I’m gonna keep scratching your chin and ears and love on you ALL NIGHT!

Dexter: That was fun, I’m done now. Mrow.

Me: You wanna treat?

Dexter: GIVE IT TO ME NOW.

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dexter: GIVE ME THE TREAT AND I’LL LET YOU LIVE.

Me: Did you eat my earplugs again?

Dexter: Yes.

Me: Stop it.

Dexter: No one tames Dexter!

Me: Move, you’re blocking the TV.

Dexter: Ok.

Me: No, no! Now you’re sitting right in my face!

Dexter: You knew the dangers of lying on the couch.