Everything is Terrible and Life is the Worst.

Do you ever have one of those days? Weeks? Months?

I am having one right now.

I have always been an optimist, a look-on-the-bright-side, silver linings, glass-half-full, look-how-great-life-is kind of gal. I think for the most part that is still in me.

But honestly, right now everything is terrible and life is the worst.

4 weeks ago tomorrow I quit smoking. This is an awesome, long time coming decision, and I actually feel really good about it. I am not really craving the cigarettes, and they smell bad to me outside now. This is a huge deal, for me. Everyone who knows me knows I have been a smoker for a long time (almost half my life) and I always enjoy those few minutes alone that smoking provided. The social crutch, the stress-reliever, and the habit of it.

So, I quit smoking.

And immediately started eating everything in sight.

So, I decided to go on a low carb diet. I'm still eating everything, but now I am eating only low carb snacks. There have never been more eggs in my life than there are right now, which is awesome, because I love eggs. 

I have still managed to gain a couple pounds (damn snacking!), but I'm eating healthier and I'm making myself go to the gym more, so I'm hoping that will even out soon. My insomnia has been acting up and I've had issues sleeping.

I am genuinely upset over the presidential election and the state of the world. I have never been more concerned for myself, my fellow man, or my country. I am having a difficult time reading the news, just to see another innocent person shot and killed, another person in authority who has done something wrong and faces little to no consequences. To see another ridiculous thing Trump has said. To see people parrot Trump, or refuse to listen to any facts, or clutch on to the email server of Clinton and never let go, unlike Jack in Titanic, who did eventually let go (spoiler) as opposed to the literally almost unending parade of terrible things the orange toddler has said (yelled) and done.

This is a guy who openly cheated on his first wife and is now trying to say that Clinton has un-presidential, bad judgment for staying with her husband after his scandal. And something like 40% of people polled is ok with that?

It's like arguing with an anti-vaxxer. I did an article on it before, about how people form and cling to false beliefs despite overwhelming evidence, the phenomenon is labeled as “motivated reasoning.”

As explained in an excellent Newsweek article, “rather than search rationally for information that either confirms or dis-confirms a particular belief, people actually seek out information that confirms what they already believe.”

The thing is, terrible things happen all over the world all of the time, every single day. But for some reason, right now, I am feeling just completely overwhelmed by it all.

Everything that is happening, the nonsmoking, the whole diet change, the world, and more, it is all coming together to make me feel bad. I am moody, frustrated, lacking in willpower to stop snacking, which makes me more upset with myself, I find myself get annoyed over things people do and say that last month (and the 30 years prior) would have just made me laugh and roll off my back.

I feel more disillusioned and reactionary than ever in my life. I feel controlled by food, by my thoughts about everything, but how judgemental I feel over other people right now. I feel unmotivated, writing less in the last few weeks than in the months prior. I feel useless at work and like a moody wife.

I feel like my cat prefers my husband.

Sometimes it all goes away. When I'm joking around with my guy, hanging with a friend, being silly, reading a good book. But then something (or nothing) happens and it comes back and I feel yuck again. It's hard to explain, honestly. 

I'm sure I'll get over it at some point, and stop feeling like there is no way you could ever bring a child into the world the way it is right now. I hope it happens soon and I go back to normal. It's very emotionally and physically draining to feel like this every day, all the time.

I know it's a combination of everything happening in my life right now, and I am just dealing with it the best I can. I have an excellent support network and people I love, which definitely helps.

And I am definitely not going back to smoking! I can't imagine having to go through all of this again!

It's hard to explain.


But for now, everything is terrible and life is the worst. And so are people. And my cat. And this article. And my pants, which have an itchy tag. And my coffee, which I drank and now it is gone forever.

At least I get to sleep in because it's about to be the weekend! I swear, my husband is so nice and supportive and sweet and so very long suffering, for dealing with me like this. I don't know where this all came from, but I hope it leaves soon.