Skipping Down Memory Lane. And Procrastinating with Paper!

So, I had this mega-brilliant idea, to make things. I tend to be pretty crafty, in general. I knitted a scarf for my mom once. But knitting takes FOREVER, and I've been meaning to learn to crochet, anyway. I have always enjoyed just doodling and making stuff and keeping my hands busy. I've made scarves out of t-shirts, and melted crayon art, and all kinds of other arts and crafts ideas from Pinterest, too. Boyfriend and I made chalkboard paint and painted a thing and now he has a really awesome framed blue chalkboard that we write stupid things and (I) draw mustaches on!

And if I can  waste time and procrastinate while I am making stuff, more power to ME!

  

Here is what I did today. You are welcome in advance for this trip through 7th grade.

Might not look like much yet, give it a minute!

REMEMBER???

Writing in random numbers....

BAM! Fake fortunes and random phrases that aren't fortunes (like those jerkface fortune cookies. PROVERBS ARE NOT FORTUNES, YOU MEAN, YET ODDLY DELICIOUS COOKIE!

Oh yes, you remember this.

Now the other way!

HOLY CRAP, A FORTUNE! (sort of). They weren't always fortune tellers. Sometimes they were random-tellers.

Then, I moved on from my epically awesome paper fortune teller. I had markers, and let me tell you, elementary-and-middle-school-me was super jealous of that sweet fortune teller. She WISHES she was as cool then as I am now! But, I played it a few times, got the good fortunes, and moved on to other paper pastimes.

LIKE DOODLING! Look at how cool my doodles are! This is just one long continuous line, too. Because that's how I roll, yo. It's 4 colors, one line, a WHOLE LOT OF COOL.

And then, after the doodling, I moved on to the most AMERICAN paper pastime of all...

Look! I even drew a little field and goalposts! I mean, I couldn't hold my fingers up as a goal AND take a picture...

Yeah, it's pretty awesome. And suddenly, I am a hand model. YESSSS! *insert '90s fist pump here*

I think what we should all take from this is 1) I have remarkable arts-and-crafts abilities, 2) More people should have markers on their desk and work, and 3) Fortune tellers were never NOT cool, we just stopped making them when we got super busy. Now is the time to bring those back, people!

Things I Learned From The Food Network

-Yeah, I could totally be on Iron Chef America. Bring it, Flay. But not against Morimoto. That guy is like a demi-god that Hulk would never maim. There is no way he is just a regular human. I superhate feet, but I would worship that guy’s food-loving magical umami toes!
-Stilton cheese is rich and smoky.
-Marc Summers is AS COOL now on Unwrapped, showing me all the gross/awesome ways all my favorite foods are made, as he was on Double Dare, back in the day. Marc Summers, I will always think you’re a little bit badass.

Go to: http://clutch.mtv.com/2010/08/17/where-are-they-now-nickelodeon-game-show-hosts/ It's worth it.

-Always clean shellfish properly.
-20 minutes is not enough time for a risotto. Also, risotto is a rice-y thing.
-You get points for creativity!
-Guy Fieri has ridiculous hair. And also, I hate him. I mean, frosted tips? Really? What, are you a Backstreet Boy now? COME ON.
-I FEEL like I could win Food Network Star...I am probably horribly, horribly, hilariously wrong.
-Desserts are hard.
-Apparently, cupcakes are “in” right now.
-I didn’t know, but in Italy, it is apparently a crime to put cheese on a seafood dish.

  -There is nothing Robert Irvine can’t do. Except maybe beat Anne Burrell, but I have a feeling that’s going to happen, too. That guy is like a machine. Half HGTV/half Food Network. Also, I don't see what flexing has to do with whisks.I might be missing the point here.








-Rachel Ray bothers me on a souldeep level. Not enough to hate her, but enough that she annoys what few nerves I have left when she is on. And I can’t pinpoint why, it just IS.
-Umami is totally a thing. It’s a big thing. It’s a whole flavor. Oh, Japan, I love you so. (also, Morimoto is from there. SIGH! Love him.)

Also, I think he's the only chef to be on both versions of Iron Chef.

-You can pretty much make a sauce out of anything.
-Pineapples are actually berries.
-That guy on Sweet Genius is insane.
-Alton Brown is a magical genius of amazingness. I bet he has a pet unicorn. He’s so smart and science-y with food. I just love it. He could magic up a gourmet meal from a tree, and give you the history and science of it while he cooked. Amazing.
-I could never be a food judge. I’m pretty sure I’m too picky, and I’d feel like a GIANT asshole, attempting to say something like “Your use of seasonings has overwhelmed my palate and I feel the mustard seed is a bit too abrasive.” Oh, god. I felt like an asshole just typing that. THAT’S IT. I am officially a douchecanoe today, from that sentence alone.
-I saw Asian Pears on Chopped, and I went out and bought a couple, and I learned they are DELICIOUS. It’s an apple-pear hybrid. Better than a stupid hybrid smartcar. I always see smartcars and at first, I am jealous over the tiny parking spaces that they fit in, and then I am irrationally angry at them. Like “How can you be so tiny, car? I could lift you, and I lack sufficient upper-body strength for pullups! Though I am working on that, and my pushups have increased, at least. DON’T give me that look, smartcar! I will throw you into a puddle, and you will drown! I won’t accept your smartytires sarcasm, you jerk! You can’t even carry a trombone in your tiny hatchback! I can. I can competently transport a trombone from one place to another. SO THERE, Smartcar!” They are just so SMALL. I have no idea why it bothers me so much.
-Avocados are really, really healthy. I don’t care though, because they are also icky. And mushy. And pastel green.
-Presentation is important, because a lot of the chefs say “You eat with your eyes first.”
-Everyone likes macaroni and cheese. But most especially me.
-The judges on Chopped are among my favorite people ever (talking to you, Aaron Sanchez and Alex Guarneschelli ← I had to look up that spelling)
-There is a show called “The Best Thing I Ever Ate” and it turns out that there are a LOT of really cool and amazing foods that chefs love in NY. And every time they talk about something I really want, I NEVER EVER remember the name of the restaurant. Why do you hate me, Brain??

Alton Brown having a foodgasm on Best Thing I Ever Ate, courtesy of foodnetworkhumor.com

-Duff Goldman is awesome. I noticed his show, Ace of Cakes, which I love and the people are really cool, never talks about prices, though...you know the old saying, if you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it!

-Technically, I didn’t learn this from Food Network and he’s technically from Top Chef, BUT I am putting it in this list anyway. A few months ago, I got to see Tom Colicchio play guitar and sing in a band with a friend of mine, WHILE eating delicious barbeque, AND I got to meet him and take a picture. Oh, Tom Colicchio, thanks for making me swoon, and making my family (big Top Chef fans--I KNOW IT’S ON BRAVO, I do not care for the purposes of this statement) super jealous!

…...and in case you hadn’t heard, Paula Deen likes butter.

Cool & Not Cool: Important Information For Every Day Life.

Times no one ever looks cool: 5:43 am, when answering the ringing toy phone of the 6-and-under crowd, while carrying an umbrella (really, everyone is carrying around their own personal collapsible roof. It widens your personal bubble, which is nice, but have you ever been whacked in the face with an umbrella? Not pleasant. I even have permanent protective eyewear, and I still fear for my corneas at times), in rainboots, and when dancing the YMCA, the macarena, or the electric slide.

No matter what you think, this is what you look like. Sad.

Times everyone looks cool: Doing the locomotion, going to the Love Shack, and partying like it’s 1999.







Places no one looks cool: The gas station, riding behind someone on a vespa (unless you’re a really hot girl. Then our expectations of you are lowered, and anything you do becomes slightly more acceptable. Not saying I agree with it. Hey, take it up with Society.), the dollar store, sitting outside of any fitting room while waiting on a friend/girlfriend/neighbor/your mom/someone who suckered you into going shopping with them (don’t lie. Either you agreed to go, or you got “convinced” it was a good idea with the incentive of either food, alcohol, or sex. Maybe all 3, depending on how much you really hate shopping).

Places everyone looks cool: Driving a really big motorcycle, the very front of a big ship, riding a horse successfully, in a picture that also features a live shark, and when standing on a tank. C’mon, tanks are awesome.

You can't even pretend that guy isn't badass. Petting a shark WHILE SURROUNDED BY SHARKS.

Sounds no one looks cool making: forcing a fart, doing a fake farty sound with your hands smushed up against your face, karaoke when more-than-hammered (it’s hilarious, but you definitely don’t LOOK as cool as you FEEL), making fake beep-beep-boop robot-y sounds while attempting to dance the robot, talking in baby talk (most especially if it is towards an anklebiter dog and not a baby).

Especially if it's ugly.

Sounds everyone looks cool making: controlling the remote to a fart machine planted near someone who thinks farts are not funny/revolting/embarrassing/sad, playing the guitar or drums, even badly, using a badass vuvuzela, little girls in their first pair of dress shoes that click (trust me, it’s a big deal for a 9 year old), and using the buzzer during Taboo.

This guy knows cool.

People who are ALWAYS cool: your best friend, your first crush, the people in the band in the first concert you go to, older siblings (especially during your teenage years), and that one guy at school who does not give a single fuck and walks around like he owns the place.

 He walks around all cool, and stuff. And you're left standing there like "why am I stuck with all these fucks to give??"







People who are NEVER cool: 
your parents during the entire tenure of your teenage years, any and all younger siblings during that same time period, the people in the bands your parents listen to (with the exception of the Beatles, Red Hot Chili Peppers, the Boss, and Simon & Garfunkel), Will Smith's mom in the Fresh Prince theme song, and your boss.

 Nope.







Things you don’t look cool doing that you might have thought your normal amount of awesomeness would cover: using a graphing calculator. No one is watching you thinking, “DAMN! LOOK AT THOSE BADASS OUTLIERS!” 

But I believe that I've developed a better system (I had help, thank you friends. Yes, I have friends.). Some people use a 1 to 10 rating scale for things, but the legendary Barney Stinson-like levels of cool need something a LIIIIIIITTLE better. Here, I present to you: 


MY BADASS SCALE of Forever Alone to Captain Awesome-o-saurus. That's right, if you're at the top of the scale, not ONLY do you get the honorary "Cap'n" title, but you also get to be what amounts to a really cool dinosaur. So, rawr.

10: Captain Awesome-o-saurus!
9: Flippin’ SWEET!
8: Banana!
7: You got mad skillz, yo.
6: At least you’re somewhat above average. *Slow clap for you*
5: Woo! Top of the bell curve! [At least you’re top at something...]
4: Just ok.
3: The Leader of the NerdHerd.
2: Junior member of a Geek Squad. [I love the idea of a squadron of geeks together.]
1: Forever alone.

Also, another scale I have recently invented, but there are no middle labels is the following, when I texted it to a friend:

"On a scale of a 4 year old to a dead guy, how good of a secret-keeper are you?"

Higher Expectations Of Pants.

I apparently expect too much from pants. I bought a new pair of jeans, and on the butt was a sticker that said “NEW! BACK POCKETS!” And I suddenly wondered, was I expecting too much, to have butt pockets on pants? Should I lower my jeans-standards? And then I realized that pants have had butt pockets for a long time. Was this particular pair so far out of touch that they thought they’d invented back pockets and started a revolution? Screw it. Viva la revolucion! 

I proudly carry things in pockets resting atop my tuchus! Well, not atop, so much as ‘near’ or ‘adjacent to.’ I don’t have much of a butt. Doesn’t bother me, actually. In fact, I can easily carry things in my fancy new incredibly revolutionary back pockets. And BF likes it, so I’m golden.

This caused me to look back and wonder what else I had ridiculously high standards for. After all, I am a highly confident young chick, and I attempt to keep fairly high standards in place. I expect my books to be interesting stories, my food to be delicious, TV shows to be at least mildly entertaining (and there are a lot that fail even those mediocre hopes and dreams), and the clothes I buy to fit at home the same way they did in the store’s fitting rooms.

And that may be the hardest standard for the Universe to meet. Every girl has been there. You’re at a store, you try something on, and BAM! You look FABULOUS! You get home, still excited and the reaction has now become “I...don’t know. I think I like it?” And of course, we go ahead and cut (rip) the tags off and hang it up properly, because of course it will look great, it’s just different lighting than the store. And I ate lunch. And also, these pants totally give me a muffin top after I eat, which wasn’t there when I was trying it on. I might have even tried it on with totally different pants! And in the closet it stays. Generally, I wear new stuff immediately. “Oh, we’re going to a movie? Hold on, I want to wear my new shoes! No, I don’t care that it will be dark, sticky and possibly not the best forum for silver glitter stilettos. Hello? I just got them an hour ago. I would wear them if we went to a beach barbeque right now. In December. In the snow. On a mountain.”

But if we aren’t as psyched about something as we THOUGHT we would be, ehh, I’ll wear it at some point, I’m sure. I’m not even entirely sure why I buy clothes. I pretty much wear the same 2 pairs of jeans and 5-6 tops all the time, anyway.

But have clothes standards been raised to the point of absurdity? I am expecting back pockets on jeans. There, I said it. I wasn’t amazed when I saw the sticker. I was confused and questioning my choice of jeans brands. Although, I don’t care about brands of anything. I am strictly on the “Oh, it fits and I can afford it” plan. Even so, maybe I should rethink that. I’ve already pretty well accepted that designers apparently think that the ability to carry things in any front pockets on women is unacceptable. Girl-pockets are so small that my whole HAND doesn’t even fit in them, much less a wallet or something.

Hey, designers: I care less about the “line” of my pants and more about the functionality of said pants.

Screw it. Pants off. It’s time to go to my no-pants zone. And by “zone,” I mean whereever I happen to be. And by “no pants,” I MEAN NO PANTS! Wooo! Listen, I'm not expecting to form a sisterhood over one pair of pants that magically fits several different body types in multiple locations, ok? I just want a reasonably priced, well fitting, pockets-having, fully functional pair of pants! I am so alone.

Pictures That Make Me Laugh and Be Happy

Possibly my very favorite one in the whole bunch. What a face!

Damn right, you look FAB-ulous!

Bitches love well read bros.

Gargoylin': Level 9000.

Oh, hey there. 'Sup? You got a book? Whatcha readin'? Wanna play? Oh, ok, you're flying away now...

I bet this kid LOVED choose your own adventure books as a kid.

JOEY!

LOL NOPE!

Literally, my favorite and most amazing new insult-name. Say it out loud. It is AMAZING.

And I leave you with this adorable polar bear cub who just wants to love you and cuddle and has a heart shaped nose perfect for kissing. And is fuzzy. And warm. And sweet and adorable and I WANT ONE!!!!

Healthy Debates, i.e. Yelling At That Guy At The Bar

I love a good argument. I love to debate, offer my opinion, tell someone that they are unequivocally wrong, and dumb-looking to boot. I adore being right, and you know what they say...if you’re losing an argument, start correcting the other person’s grammar. And my mom is an English and Reading teacher. Grammar is my bitch! Take that, Grammar! Muahahhahahahah! (That was supposed to be an evil laugh. I have it on only sort-of-ok authority that I don't do a very good evil laugh, so maybe it comes across better in text? Sure, we'll go with that.)

There is one exception. I do like actually debating religion, in general, especially with my stepdad. But I don't like to with strangers anymore. It just too often turns into one side yelling "because G-d SAYS SO!" while the other side goes "Yeah, but WHY?!" repeatedly. And I'm not out to offend people, I just wanna have fun. Like all girls.

*Cough. I don’t believe in Jesus. Cough.*

I also like to argue with strangers! If someone at the bar is talking out loud in my vicinity, that’s fair game to join the conversation. I mean, hey, I'm still in the land of free speech, right? THAT’S RIGHT. So, if you are going to sit next to me at a bar, and suddenly launch into an awkward monologue about why women should never have gotten the vote, and how we’re screwing up everything, be prepared to throw DOWN. 

Verbally. I don’t do physical fights. Um....hello? I might break a NAIL. And then where would we be? I’d have to dig my nail file out of my bizarrely-overstuffed purse, even though it really isn’t that big and I don’t feel like I carry THAT much in it, and I will file down the ragged edge of my nail right there in front of your bloody face. And you know that scrittttttch-sraaaatch nail file sound is going to drive you nuts while you’re writhing on the floor in pain from my punch to your face. I mean, most likely, you probably have a piece of my fingernail stabbing you in the eyeball or something. You should really get that out, it might cause irritation. Much like your words cause on my brain, but in a more obvious-to-everyone-else sort of way.

Sometimes, when I’m arguing...or talking...or thinking about stuff...I somehow go off on an amusing yet random tangent that started out sort of having something to do with the original topic, but kind of morphed into a storyline that, in the end, had nothing at all to do with anything that had been discussed previously. It’s like a story within a story. STORYCEPTION! Moral of Storyception: I am either delightfully amusing, or I’m turning into my mother. I mean, technically it could be both, but she’s MY mom and I think I would know if she were delightfully amusing. Sheesh. This is a woman who actually wears white cotton socks with open toed sandals just because she knows it drives me insane. WHY does it drive me crazier than a mime in an actual box, you ask? Because it looks terrible! If you’re feet get so cold that you need socks under the sandals, wear different shoes! Arg!

….what was I talking about?  

Oh, yeah. I like arguing with people about almost anything. I feeling like it’s a good way to learn new things and points about stuff you are passionate about, and a good way to gauge people. If someone is really aggressive, or super passive, or fights dirty, or is just plain MEAN, or if they also enjoy intelligent debates about random topics, arguing with them will tell you that.

I don’t have a dog, so I need a different way to judge people’s character. Though, really, I don’t think that’s the best way anyway, because animals and small children REALLY seem to like me, and I am a terrible, lamentable, kind of deplorable, just really crapperific person. I’m also a big fan of synonyms. And remember when “bad” meant “good”? Yeah, it totally still does. I am awesome, dammit! :)

I'm An Astrologer Now! No Training? No Problem!

So, I have this thing. I think it's hilarious. You look up a friends horoscope for that day, and then when you see them later, walk up behind them like a super creepy weirdo-dude. Like, one of those guys who wear skin-tight skinny jeans and a sleeveless t-shirt? And in as awkward and squeaky a voice as you possibly can, creepily start whispering their horoscope to them. Like *sneak sneak* "Heeeeeeey. Don't make any rash decisions today......!" The reaction is priceless. I find this hysterical to even think about! My roommate and I have actually started doing this to each others faces at random. You can't help but laugh.

Look at my horoscope for today! [I'm a Gemini. I don't care what you are. Deal with it. I AM A GEMINI. This is MY horoscope, so YOU deal! Tough cookies if you're something else. Just ask me, I'll give your yours. Maybe.]

You will be awesome, like most days. You will pass a mirror and may not at first realize it’s a mirror until after you wink and say “heeeeey, you lookin’ goooood.” People around you on public transportation may think you’re weird, and it may or may not be banana-related. Embrace the weirdness and do not change, for they don’t KNOW YOU and you won’t see them ever again anyway, so you might as well have some fun. Avoid 3rd Avenue today, it’s really traffic-y and there’s still a lot of construction. The elevator in your work building will have that weird grinding noise again around 1 pm, but don’t worry, I don’t see the “Death” card in your tarot today, so you’re good. Besides, 12 flights is a LOT of stairs, even when going down. You’re going to feel mildly contrite when you skip the gym to hang out with your boyfriend. It’s ok, you can blame Boyfriend. He won’t mind.

Today’s Weather Forecast:
Not as cold out as the temperature in your room or of the toilet seat might suggest, even though the window is wide open, letting in the outside temperature. In the afternoon, it will be sunny and bright, and you’ll have lost one of the lenses from your sunglasses in your bottomless, gigantic woman-purse-suitcase-thingy. Evening temperatures are set to rise when you see Boyfriend for the first time in several days, and then cool down almost immediately after you forget your jacket when you leave for the movies.

Work Forecast:
Your positive attitude and openness make people think they can ask you to take over a couple of their projects late on a Friday afternoon, but your hearty dose of sarcasm and some “don’t try me” body language remind them that your bite is worse than your bark. Your lucky numbers today are 5, 3, and 0! When together, they represent an escape to freedom. Based on the astral plane, it looks like you’re making tacos tonight. Congrats on an easy, yet amazingly delicious meal!

Movie Theater Forecast: Crowded, popcorn not buttery enough, the kid behind you didn’t turn off his damn cell phone, and it rings right in the middle of the biggest twist. Entire theater mutters under their breath about what a douche canoe that kid is. That kid is oblivious, but also embarrassed that everyone probably just heard his girlfriend’s ringtone, which is “Mine” by Taylor Swift. People notice, and they laugh.

Activity Forecast:
Playing pool: Mediocre, with occasional flashes of awesome just often enough to have your teammate be impressed, followed by mild disappointment and humor when you bank the yellow 2 ball off 3 rails and not hit anything else or come anywhere near the pocket. Your long shots will surprise and amaze many. Or, at the very least they will surprise and amaze you. Try to be solids, it’ll realign your chi.

At the Bar: The resident creepy old guy will assume you’re staring at him when you accidentally catch his eye while checkin’ out the scene on the dance floor. He’ll wink, and think about heading over, and you’ll immediately turn to your girls and whisper what just happened. Escape to the bar or bathroom if he decides he has a shot. Vodka is your lucky drink! Your friend’s heels are sparkly and amazing and you’ll have a momentary pang of jealousness, before you remember that you’re a dance-in-your-Converse type of gal, and that you’re also superklutzy and might die on the dance floor if you wore those hot shoes anyway.

At Karaoke: This weekend, the stars are all aligned in a random-looking but specifically amazing pattern that makes you the karaoke queen! Rock your heart out, girl. Do some Alanis, she needs the love. Rock out to the 80s, and don’t forget to do a classic all-friends rendition of something appropriately sappy, such as “Friends In Low Places.” Because your moon is in retrograde, try singing something like “Eye of the Tiger” or “We Built This City” for strong motivation.

Gym: Saturn has a buncha moons, and let’s face it, they are all in the wrong orbital planes and on a bad axis for forcing you to go to the gym after the Saturday night you’re about to have. You’re going to feel kind of guilty, and probably have good intentions about going “later today” but in the end, you’ll be at home watching Once Upon A Time when you could be complaining about jogging while actually jogging. Don’t worry, Pluto (which I will always consider a planet, no matter what THEY say) is in the right grade and you’ll be back in the gym and not feeling terribly guilty on Monday.