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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

An Incomplete List of Things That Cheese Me Off/Annoy Me/Cause Me To Rant Incoherently

So, I understand that everyone is different, everyone has different things that annoy them or piss them off, or cause them to make up brand new curse words, perhaps in different languages. I get that. But yeah...this is MY blog. Therefore, the below list is stuff that annoys me specifically. Some of it probably annoys you. Some might not and you may begin to suspect that I am in fact, a snobby jerk with too high of standards to be allowed to occupy the same space as you, or breath the same air.

In this, you would be wrong. I am a perfectly nice person. Well, most of the time, anyway! So, I am nice and I'm tolerant. In fact, I am one of those annoying people who preach tolerance and acceptance of everyone (side note: I'm still happy and excited about NY legalizing gay marriage!). That being said, there are annoying idiots everywhere, and here are the ones by whom I seem to be constantly besieged. As well as just things. Not all of the below are things people do, some are just things that exist. Yes, the very existence of these things bother me on a soul-deep level.

-People who eat crunchy chips/other foods with their mouth wiiiiiiiiiide open.
-When I’m super tired and I have a cup of coffee or 4 and it is still not enough to wake me up and I am still super tired.
-A flickering overhead light…I don’t know why, but I cannot handle that kind of flashing strobe-y annoyance. Seriously, I just want to punch that light in the face and scream “Make a decision, dammit!”
-People who leave voicemails that only say “Hey, it’s me. Call me back.” Totally got that from the missed call. (I’m talking directly to you, Mom.)
-Foods that are supposed to be crunchy and then are not, and vice versa! Who wants a mushy carrot? Or a sad, non-crispy potato chip?
-When my cell phone tells me I have new email and then I don’t. Now, that’s just mean. :(
-People who use text-speak in real conversation. I refuse to respond to you if you say “lawl” as if to say “LOL” out loud.
-Ooooh! Also, people who don’t use ANY grammar or punctuation when typing! Not using apostrophes or something is understandable, it does shorten it slightly, and if you’re typing on a cell phone, they can get annoying, what with the function-symbol-whatever-apostrophe keys. But no periods or capitalization? On a cell phone, you have to TRY to be that dumb. My cell automatically capitalizes the first letter of every sentence and all proper nouns, like days of the week. It automatically puts in periods if I hit space bar twice. How do you screw it up if it is automatically fixed for you as you go??
-Part B to the above. Even if you are on a computer, it is unforgivable to be using crappy grammar and weird-ass spelling. “an lyk it was dis n dat b crzeeee man.” Yyyyyeah…..I’m not reading that, responding to it, or accepting it as English. And trust me, that makes you look like the biggest idiot to anyone over the age of YOU. Or 12. Whichever comes first.
-AND people who tYpE LiKe ThIs A lOt. Really makes the voice in my head go berserk when trying to read it. Then I get confused, like why can’t my brain just register it normally and ignore the random capitals? This can then lead into a downward spiral filled with questioning myself. Am I really as smart as I think I am? Has everyone been lying to me this whole time, and I’m not intelligent, I’m simply a functioning retarded adult who is lucky enough to not need diapers every day? Do my parents partake in this ruse? Am I being observed by people who want to document functioning retarded adults and write articles about them for dry, boring science and medical journals? If so, will I get a byline, or am I simply “Subject A”? Are they watching me right now? I can feel their eyes boring into me RIGHT NOW.
-People who can’t or won’t laugh at themselves. I just don’t get it! Life is too short to take everything so seriously and get mortified every time something small or slightly embarrassing happens in public. Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Get mortified, and they’re all suddenly laughing at you.
-This one may not be universal. A personal pet peeve of mine is when people leave :10 on the microwave. I don’t get it! Just hit clear so I can see the clock! No one is coming behind you and using the last 10 seconds. You can’t just save it up for the future. Either put your stuff in there for the right amount of time and wait for the beep, or HIT CLEAR! I honestly have no idea why this drives me so nuts, but it really, really does.

What are your biggest pet peeves? Am I missing something completely obvious that should and probably does annoy the crap out of me and I just can’t think of it right now, but later it will occur to me (likely at 3 am and wake me out of my REM cycle) and cause me to slap my own forehead in disbelief over forgetting something so monumentally annoying that I curse it daily and vigorously?

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

In Yo’ FACE, Insomnia!

Insomnia totally and completely sucks.  I am one of the millions afflicted with this possibly hereditary disease. I say possibly, because though I would LOVE to blame this on my mother, she can sleep anywhere, dropping off in the middle of movies, books, conversations, you name it. She sleeps like a narcoleptic, but not quite as often.

I have come to find that there are certain things I can do to create my “optimum sleeping environment.” I can create a space that will, if everything goes perfectly and the planets are aligned, allow me to fall asleep in the fastest possible timeframe. This leads me to describing what I call 'my crypt.'

That’s right. In order for me to have the highest likelihood of falling asleep quickly, I need my room to be these 3 things: dark, silent, and cold. If any one of these things isn’t there, I am quickly lead into a spiral of sadness, awake-ness, and annoyance. However, of the 3, being cold is the MOST important. I cannot sleep at all if I am hot, but I can wear earplugs and squish my face into the pillow more for the others, if absolutely necessary.

One cool thing is that I fall asleep and wake up in the same position. I actually will kind of wake up, roll over, and fall back asleep, if I turn over at all. I’m telling you, I am a weirdo.

In regards to sleeping, I always fall asleep the same way. On my stomach, one arm under my pillow, right underneath my face, the other arm tucked right into my chest, and one leg kind of bent towards whichever direction I am facing.

In addition to all of that completely exciting and necessary information above, I have drawn (via sharpie) the following. I understand the comic below illustrates a certain level of crazy, but I happen to think many people will see it and know what I mean. 
(Click on any picture to make it bigger and to be able to read some of the writing. Sorry 'bout that.)

***Zoomed in shot, so you can read the writing on the pillow:
Aaaaaand last frame!

And there you have it. My slice of illustrated crazy, and my sharpie-comic debut! :)

Thursday, September 8, 2011

In Preparation Of The Greatest Holiday of the Year!

It is that time of year again. It is September, and I am officially getting a late start on thinking about Halloween costumes. I am usually thinking about this in July! In fact, I gave it some thought off and on over the last month or so, but not really, and I haven’t made any firm decisions.
The boyfriend said my penguin/james bond idea was dumb. WELL! I’ll have you know that penguins are adorable and always in their formalwear, and Bond is always in a tux…perfect combo! But he’s right in that if I am that costume, then it would be difficult for everyone else to see both. They’ll see one or the other, most likely penguin, because I like to waddle around and make squeaky penguin-y sounds. And then people will just get confused when they see the gun.
“Are you a homicidal penguin?”
“Noooo…..but I guess that’s one option.”

So, I have this theory about Halloween and fireworks. They may seem unrelated…just give me a second, you’ll see where I’m going with this.
These are the only times that some adults really allow themselves to let loose and enjoy, like they did when they were kids. Next time you are watching a fireworks show, take a second and look around. Everyone, from little kids to really-super-old people, is looking up, openmouthed in wonder and enjoyment.
As for Halloween, my favorite holiday, it is the perfect excuse for those same people to let loose, and dress up and act silly and be someone else for a day. It is the one day a year that this is more than acceptable, it’s encouraged! You can be anyone, evil or good, villain or hero, real or imaginary, inanimate or a character. It doesn’t matter, everyone is doing it! In fact, you would look weird and out of place if you DIDN’T dress up and act silly.
And though it pains me to know that there are a lot of people out there that care so much about what strangers think that they actually restrict themselves while going through normal daily life, I understand how and why it happens.
I am not one of those people. I love to be silly! And as for Halloween, I use it for fun. It is not an excuse to be half-dressed as some “sexy bumblebee” or “sexy Astroturf Installer.” No, I would almost always rather be funny than sexy. Besides, I think making someone laugh IS sexy! So there!
Last year, I was a sumo wrestler. IT WAS AWESOME.

It was a fully self-contained self-inflating costume, that ran on a battery pack in my pocket. How do I add pictures to this thing? I have a picture of me in the sumo costume! [edit: I googled how to add pictures! Way easier than I thought...] Trust me, there is nothing sexy about a woman in a suit of a 600 pound man in a thong (the thong on my costume was red).
The year before that, I was a whoopee cushion. And not just ANY whoopee cushion, a working one. I had gotten a real self-inflating whoopee cushion, and belted it to my stomach underneath the costume, so when people walked by, I could press it and make the fart sound! It was a huge hit at the office…

Now for costume ideas for this year. So far, I’ve only come up with a few.
-Penguin/James Bond
-Thomas the Tank Engine
-The Sun (self-made out of Styrofoam and felt, and maybe find someone to be the moon. And then we can align and shout “TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART”)
-Pac-Man (this also includes other people, as I would need people to dress up as ghosts, perhaps on rollerskates, and then we’d chase each other around)
-Use the actual mat from Twister to make a dress/toga and then use board as a hat.

And that’s all I have so far. I usually have more ideas by now, though. Oh well, luckily there is still time. Feel free to leave suggestions, though! What were your greatest Halloween costumes?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

A Poem That Starts Out By Discussing Waking Up In The Morning For School

School day,
Late night,
Morning comes rapidly,
Though I put up a valiant fight.

That damn alarm
Ringing persistently
Ruins dreams, and
Garners glares from me.

On weekends,
Waking up feels
Natural and pure.

On weekdays,
Waking up feels
Painfully like torture.

Why, Gods, do you hate me?
Oh, Karma, why are you kicking my ass?
Is it because I stayed up super-late
In the hopes I'd sleep through class?

Prof, your lectures are quite stimulating,
I’m sure others would agree, and
The way you spit when you say “Sesquipedalian”
Totally terrifies me.

Your homework orders are quite titillating,
And I cannot wait to start.
The way you tell me what to do
Practically tears my brain apart [with glee].

I dance in anticipation,
Can’t wait to begin each day,
School is fun and the homework funner,
Glorious in every way.

Oh, Teacher, the way you guide my study
With books and syllabi,
And the way you read right from the slides,
Which you refuse to put online

Tantalizes my brain stem
And makes my neurons sing.
And that way you go off on a 20-minute tangent that has nothing to do with the lecture
Leaves my brain cells tingling.

What do they want me to know?
Will this be on the test?
That rant about the foods you hate?
I couldn’t even hazard a guess.

I don’t care that you hate Nixon
Or that strawberries give you a rash.
Is there any way to stay on the subject?
Considering the large amounts of cash [you’ve forcibly taken from my parents]?

In the end, I graduated
Though I'm not quite sure how
And now I'm out in the real world.
You should probably be scared now.