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Wednesday, October 16, 2013

The Path to Halloween Greatness.

I feel like this should go without saying, but I love Halloween. Not just a little, I’m not mildly amused by it. I don’t feel like I could take it or leave it. Nope, I adore Halloween. I love the candy, the costumes, the parades, the parties, and the candy.
I have long held this theory about fireworks and Halloween. My theory is these are two of the only times that you’ll see adults, no matter their ages, get lost in something. Next time you’re at a fireworks show, take a moment and look around you. Everyone, from the smallest of 3 year olds to the oldest dude  in his 90s, are all looking up, usually in wonder, and taking it all in. People get lost in the beauty and noise of fireworks, especially if they are lighting the fireworks themselves. Then it’s even more fun! My family loves fireworks. We light them for hours on the 4th of July.

And then there’s Halloween. What other day of the year can an adult dress up as anything they want -- scary, creepy, funny, as an old person -- and it be not only ok, but encouraged? It’s the one day people don’t worry about being judged or criticized, because hey, it’s all part of the costume.

In any case, I love Halloween. I had my requisite slutty costumes in college, and that was ok. But the funny ones are so much better!

One year I was a whoopie cushion. The costume itself wasn’t that impressive, but then I bought a real self-reinflating whoopie cushion and used a belt to secure it to my stomach. Every time someone walked near me at work, I pressed it. Trust me, it was hilarious.
Told ya so.
Two years in a row, I went as a sumo wrestler. This one will always be a personal favorite. First of all, sumo wrestlers are awesome, and mine wore a red diaper. Secondly, it was a battery-pack-powered, self-inflating costume. It was humongous and amazing. Boyfriend once took a video of me wearing the sumo costume skipping down the street and trying to dance. Sumo wrestlers are excellent dancers, you know.
This one might never be topped. Could be a personal best.

This year, as every other, I started to contemplate my costume early, around August-ish. I like to be prepared, and sometimes I have to gather pieces to make the costume.

I’ve been a bit obssessed with penguins lately, so that is where I ended up, after dismissing several other costume ideas, including James Bond/Penguin (Wear a penguin suit, but carry a water gun and have spy gadgets), the Joker, the sumo wrestler, a girl Superman (not to be confused with the more lame Supergirl, or the amazing Wonder Woman. now THAT WOMAN CAN LASSO SOME TRUTH.), a ninja cat, and a transformer (too difficult to make).

I guess I can be a cat-ninja next year. Or maybe a ninja dog. Or a ninja dragon. Or a stealthy ninja penguin!

Anyway, I really frickin’ love penguins, so I went with that.

First order of business, I ordered my penguin costume online. Now, I thoroughly enjoy making a costume out of different pieces of clothing and such. Last year, I was Quailman, and it was not a store bought costume. But a penguin is different. By doing it on my own, I risk ending up looking like a girl in a tuxedo. Which is cool, but not really what I was going for.
If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'. I had the full Doug-hair, a belt, and white tightey-whiteys on the outside of my khakis. Suck it, Silver Surfer. Boyfriend was a mad scientist. For the 3rd year. No one was surprised.
Step 2: Clearly mark the shipping address as “commercial.”

Step 3: Mailman tries to deliver my package on a Saturday, and sends me a strongly worded email about how they attempted to do their job, but my silly little business wasn't open for them to deliver it.

Step 4: Try to call the mail people on Tuesday morning (because Monday was Columbus Day. There was even a parade.) and be on hold for 20 minutes, never once talking to a person or accomplishing anything other than wondering what was taking so long for USPS to die a slow, sad death.

Step 5: Be pleasantly surprised when, after no additional action was taken, package was safely and triumphantly delivered on Tuesday afternoon.

Step 6: Get very excited and rip open the package near the reception desk, and happy show off your awesome penguin costume, which includes orange penguin-foot shoe covers.

Step 7: Try on penguin-foot shoe covers at your desk. Covertly glance around to make sure no one else is watching you weirdly reenact Happy Feet at your desk.

Step 8: Almost fall over and break your face when you come to understand that penguin-foot shoe covers are not that easy to walk in. They should have some kind of warning label!
WARNING: Not for dancing, skipping, or clumsy people.

Step 9: Tell everyone that your penguin suit arrives. Strangely, none of them are surprised that you ordered a penguin suit online.

Step 10: Sadly and pout-ily realize that you can’t take your penguin suit home that day because you have a networking event after work, and you can’t be that weirdo who brought a penguin suit along to a work event. People may or may not want to do business with you after that. And it really isn't fair to judge someone’s business acumen and professionalism by a penguin suit. There should be some kind of rule about that.

Step 11: At work the next day, excitedly remember about the penguin suit and prepare to take it home with you.

Step 12: Send Boyfriend a text of a picture of your feet with the penguin-foot shoe covers on with the caption “Just a taste of the sexiness that will be waiting for you at home.” [Boyfriend later responds that he is laughing so hard that his actual butt is falling off of his body. Mentally brace yourself for attempting to not be weirded out by his butt-less form.]
Penguin suits are the new sexy lingerie.
Step 13: PARTY LIKE IT’S 1999!

Heck yes. Halloween is almost here again! Can’t wait. Party time! Excellent!

Thursday, October 10, 2013


October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and how better to celebrate than to talk about breasts?

Breasts are great! There are about a million fun ways to refer to them, there are a bajillion studies about them, and about 83% of time, we can render the object of our desire speechless with them. Being that it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, we have the perfect excuse to talk about chest-melons, knockers, tatas, and yahoos. However you want to refer to them, this post is dedicated to them!

Fun fact: Squeezing the boobs can help prevent cancer!
An actual study was done, and researchers at the UC Berkeley and the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory found that “mechanical forces and applying physical pressure on the breasts can stop the rapid growth of cancer and prevent out of control cells from turning malignant.”
Read about it here.

I think we all know that research grant money is being well spent. here, enjoy a couple more random and odd reasearch studies I came across!

Canada and Britain once teamed up to do a study on whether or not herrings (yes, fish) communicate via farts. Intriguing.
The answer is somewhere between “probably” and “yes.” At least, that is what the scientists seem to conclude from their rigorous studies.

A Russian physician and cosmonaut once ran a study where 11 men lay down in bed for over a YEAR. He actually has a really good reason for doing the study (namely to find out what happens to a person during a long journey in weightless conditions), but it’s still kind of weird. RUSSIANS.

Babraham Institute researchers figure that sheep can recognize faces. They found this out by training selected sheep (Who selects these sheep? Did the sheep consent to this??) to associate other sheep and humans with food rewards. Apparently 20 sheep were presented with pictures of 25 pairs of sheep faces and from this they found they could recognize individuals associated with a reward by even just their profile.
I can't decide if it's creepy or cool that sheep recognize faces. When it's birds, it's definitely creepy. When it's dolphins, it's adorable. I want to go with adorable for sheep. Because baby sheep are fluffy and cute. But have you smelled adult sheep? Less cute.
Read more here.

Breasts are great. They are fluffy and are good pillows, they provide more fat to protect your tender and easily-hurt lung and chestal region, and they bounce, which can be either fun or painful, depending on the situation. Example: trotting while on horseback without wearing the proper support: OUCHIES (learned THAT the hard way). Jumping on a trampoline: meh, not really painful.

More fun facts about bazoombas!:
-No one knows why, but humans are the only primates or mammals to have full breasts without actually having ‘suckling young.’
Read more here, because you know you want to.

-All women know that it’s completely normal to have one twin bigger than her sister. However, interestingly, in 65% of women, it’s the LEFT one that is bigger.

-There are FOUR different types of nipples. Plus “unilateral,” which is when each of your two are different types. ONE TYPE IS AN INNIE.

-Up to 85% of women are wearing the wrong bra size. WHOA. We should all go get measured and make sure our fluffy twin companions are as comfy and supported as possible.
I support my boobs! I support their thoughts and feelings, their names, their hopes and dreams, themselves so they aren't saggy, and I support their right to well-fitted support!

-70% of women are are down on their girls’ size, according to research published in the International Journal of Sexual Health.
That is an insanely high percentage of women who don’t like their size. On the one hand, there is surgery to fix that. On the other hand, that surgery is expensive and scary. And sometimes you end up with weird rock-hard boobs, which is offensive to all hands that like squishiness. Don't be down on your girls, ladies! Love them, be proud of them! Walk tall and thrust them forward with confidence! You are gorgeous the way you are, and you should give them a pat of appreciation occasionally, so that they know you care.

-Current sizing standards in bras were created by Ida Rosenthal and her husband William, founders of Maidenform, in the 1920s.
Way more recent than I would have suspected for standard-sizing of over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders! Although, as I wrote that, I am wondering why we are STILL NOT ON A STANDARD CLOTHING SIZE CHART. A medium at one store is a large at another, a size 8 pants in one brand is a size 4 in a different brand. Complete and utter crap. That is ridiculous and annoying and the exact reason why I don’t buy clothes online, because I always have to TRY THAT CRAP ON before I buy it. Standardized sizing would help the e-commerce industry! (Does that fit on a picket sign? Where would I picket about this?)

-Men’s Breast Fact Time! Men who are longdistance runners have to put special tape over their nipples. This is because the friction caused by rubbing against the (gross, sweaty) shirt chafes their tiny flat man-nipples.

A SPECIAL BOOB FACT JUST FOR THE MEN (consider this a thank you for reading this far into this post, which turned out to be very different than what you thought when you saw the title.)
-Staring at boobs extends a man’s life by five years!!!
Apparently it might be a hoax and not a real study, but I think we can all agree that this should be real. YOU’RE WELCOME, MEN OF THE WORLD, AND LADIES WHO LIKE BREASTICLES.

So, we have reached the conclusion of my facts about boobles. I hope you enjoyed this post, and I urge you to give your lady friends a squeeze now and then. After want to help them prevent breast cancer, don’t you?! C’mon, ladies. It’s a boobshake instead of a hello handshake. I think we could really make this catch on! It can be our lady thing, like men have that stupid-looking chest bump that always looks awkward, sometimes ends in hilarious tragedy, and is even weirder when one dude is significantly taller than the other dude.