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Tuesday, September 24, 2013

I See Your Bunnies and Raise You Otters and Penguins.

I read a funny article mostly comprised of pictures of bunnies and entertaining sarcastic comments about them. I laughed, and started to move on, before seeing the comments. There is a comment that states “The online bunny community is going to love this!”
Here is the bunny thing I saw:
It stopped me cold.

There is a whole community of bunny people online? That is so weird. I mean, sure, bunnies are fluffy, sometimes adorable, and they have that whole ear thing going on. But are they worthy of a whole community? I don’t know that I can fairly answer that, as I am relatively ambivalent about rabbits and not part of any sort of community that may or may not worship their fluffy bods and misshapen ears.

And then more than one of the commenters pointed people to this website:

Guess what? Only a couple of them look actively disapproving. The rest just look like FLUFFY DANG BUNNIES. If you are going to advertise disapproving animals, I demand to feel shame and remorse and the urge to scuff my shoe while muttering "Sorry, Mom." while looking at the animals.

You know what there should be a community for? (And maybe there is. Who knows? Not me. I am not up on bizarro animal-based communities deep in the annals of the internet. Though you’d think that someone like me probably would be. And yet, you’d be wrong. So there.) Otters and penguins.

Otters are adorable and they hold hands while they sleep to keep from drifting away. They are cute dry or wet, eyes opened or closed. And unlike those bastard koala bears, they do not hide a vicious rampaging face-eating personality behind their cute little somewhat fluffy faces.

The most bizarre otter fact that I just found is that they can be “anywhere from 31 to 99 pounds” and are part of the weasel family. You know what I see when I look at an otter? Not a frickin’ weirdo weasel, that’s for sure. Otters won the evolution lottery. They can live on land OR sea, they have many adorable facial expressions, and they can be fat. Also, does anyone else think that “31 to 99” is an incredible specific ending and beginning range?
They look like they're annoyed that the photographer interrupted them while they were doing a fancy hair updo.
Is there anything more adorable than a fat fluffy animal or a fat baby? I think not. And if you think so, I can tell you this: You are entitled to your opinion, even though it is wrong and stupid.

In addition, a group of otters is called a “raft.” That is also awesome and better than bunnies. A raft of otters. Wonderful. I am currently imagining a raft of sea otters all holding hands, floating around, with perhaps a meerkat or something catching a ride on top of them, maybe even humming a sea shanty to himself as he floats on awesome toward some other destination.

Contrary to popular belief, otters do not mate for life. They are polygynous. Females tend to outnumber males somewhere around 5 to 1, and in an apparent bid to show their displeasure about not being more prolific, male otters will bite the nose of female otters they are mating with, making them bleed and scar, or even hold the female’s heads under water! Jerks.

Perhaps the male otters need a little lesson in manners.

Russia has a lot of otters right now. I do not think Russia deserves this many otters and I am considering thinking about starting a petition to make them give me some of their otters. I have a bathtub they could live in.
Oh my god. I can't even handle this. They are SO CUTE AND CUDDLY.
Another set of animals that I believe deserve more attention: penguins. First of all and most importantly, they are always dressed for a formal dinner party and they look fantastic in tuxedos. Secondly, they sit on their fluffy babies. They sit on their young to keep them warm, since they only have foofy baby fur. And they love to go sledding. So do I!
Also, they evolved wings into flippers. That’s so darn useful, and I am still hoping that my feet will eventually do the same. The largest living species of them is the Emperor Penguin. They can be up to 3’7’’ tall and weigh 75 pounds. That’s perfect. I’d put him in one of those child-leashes and take him everywhere with me, and he would be like ⅔ as tall as I am! I think I’d name him Bond.

The smallest is the Little Blue Penguin, only up to 16 inches tall and 2 pounds. PERFECT. She would fit in my purse and I could name her Captain Wingspan. Or perhaps Corporal Flipper.
And penguins are polite. They form monogamous pairs for breeding seasons, and they share the incubation of the eggs. One sits while the other swims and gallivants and feasts, and then they switch. I like that division of labor!

We should do that. Maybe the girl gets pregnant and they guy gives birth. Much more equal, in my humble opinion. Actually, I don’t think I’m that humble.

I’m just saying, otters and penguins are way cooler than rabbits. And they eat more than stupid lettuce and carrots. I like carrots as much as the next guy, but not for every meal. You could turn orange.

So, I have been thinking about being a penguin for Halloween this year. Here is the possible costume. But imagine me in it, and not some weirdo stock person.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

I Love Satan and Hate Lost Dogs According to Facebook.

No, I will not like or share.
I refuse to play that game.
Oh, I guess I must love Satan
As I scroll past with no shame.

Stop posting news stories saying
Everything is a gigantic danger-ball about to explode.
And stop asking me to change your privacy settings
Those are lies, and I feel like we’ve discussed this before.

Apparently, I adore cancer
And I hate lost kids and dogs.
I scroll right past all your requests,
And that scrolling must mean that also, I hate God.

I don’t care about your
Political leanings,
And I certainly don't give a bother
About what you think of MY political leanings.

Candy crush gets no love,
I won’t like your bands page.
I won’t retweet your random picture,
Is this really our popularity gauge?

I do like the pics of your kids,
At least occasionally.
But don’t be one of THOSE Facebook
Parents who no longer post about ANYTHING but their kids.
...I miss my friend, you used to be cool.

I definitely don’t care that
Your mom said you’d get
A new XBOX for

What kind of example is
That for a kid anyway?
Get off your ass and do some chores
And save money to buy it yourself.

Do you actually think there’s
A trauma surgeon out there,
Scrubbing in to save a kid’s life,
Who stops and yells
“I’ll only do it for ONE MILLION SHARES!
Any less, and screw the Hippocratic oath,
I’m not picking up that scalpel!”

I like the funny jokes you post,
And the links to interesting news.
Is it so wrong that I don’t care
About what you had for dinner?
Unless it was pie. I usually care about pie.

I love my sister and brothers.
I love my family,
I have no burning desire to
Share a MS Paint picture to prove it.
I’m a grown up, I can say “Hey dude, I love your face.”


Come to think of it,
There should be an
“I don’t care” button
That would adequately allow
Me to express my level of caring.
Unless I didn’t even care enough to hit the button.
Alanis would say that was ironic.
She’d be wrong, but she’d say it.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

You Are Literally Killing The English Language.

I have an issue with “twerk” and “selfie” being added to the dictionary, because they are stupid words, but I have a MUCH BIGGER problem with them changing/adding to the meaning of the word “literally.”

At least with twerk and selfie, while terrible, made up words, are words that have definitive meanings. We know what they mean, what they describe, and they are used so liberally in modern society, that I get why someone would add them to our written list of all the words we agree are words.

And in the end, isn't every word made up? SOMEONE made it up at some point. According to “The English language owes a great debt to Shakespeare. He invented over 1700 of our common words by changing nouns into verbs, changing verbs into adjectives, connecting words never before used together, adding prefixes and suffixes, and devising words wholly original.” And then goes on to list some of the words, including links to the original scene in which they are found.

So yeah, making up new words (even if they are ridiculously stupid) doesn't really bother me. That’s how languages progress, develop, change, and sometimes shrivel up and die. Change happens.


For the love of G-d (and L’Shana Tova to my Jew-y friends!), look at this entry in the MERRIAM-FRICKIN’-WEBSTER DICTIONARY:

1 : in a literal sense or manner : actually <took the remark literally> <was literally insane>
2 : in effect : virtually <will literally turn the world upside down to combat cruelty or injustice.
They add a caveat:
“Since some people take sense 2 to be the opposite of sense 1, it has been frequently criticized as a misuse. Instead, the use is pure hyperbole intended to gain emphasis, but it often appears in contexts where no additional emphasis is necessary.”

Hyperbole, right. Because the people who don't understand the word "literally" understand the proper usage and context of hyperbole. Perhaps they can even pronounce it, too!

Here’s a great (and short!) article in The Week called “How The Wrong Definition Of 'Literally' Sneaked Into The Dictionary.” And it shows that Merriam-Webster is not the only dictionary that has fallen. Apparently even the Cambridge Dictionaries Online and the Oxford Dictionary have added the “informal usage.”

THIS LITERALLY BURNS MY SOUL. See how I use the correct, ACTUAL definition of this word? My delicious medium-rare Jew-y soul now has sad blackened spots that get blacker and more charred every time some young skinny-jeans-wearing, Prius-driving, Starbucks-obsessed (Even though I don’t like coffee, can I please have a soy-mocha-frappa-hazelnut-nutmeg-with-low-fat-whipped-cream), iphone-toting (Like, OMG, my iphone is LITERALLY the best thing that has ever ever happened to me and I would LITERALLY die before letting you remove it from my clammy and buffed man-boy hands!), giant-sunglasses-wearing asshole misuses it.

And now that misuse is the actual dictionary. What has our world come to?! When stupid people misuse a word so often that we just give up and accept it as the norm. THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

The Mayans were wrong and the world didn't end in 2012, but GRILLED CHEESUS CRUST maybe it should have. Then I wouldn't have to suffer through this poison-dart to my vocabulary-riddled heart.

LITERALLY MEANS ACTUALLY. An actual thing that is actually for-real happening. EXAMPLE: “I literally just stabbed myself in the eye accidentally when trying to push up my glasses. This happened because I literally just forgot I was wearing contacts today, in conjunction with the fact that I am a literal klutz.”

NOT A CORRECT USE OF THE WORD LITERALLY: “Oh my god, is that Matt Bomer walking down the street? He is so hot that I literally just caught on fire and died as he walked by.”
Also NOT LITERAL: “I love Offspring so much that if I got tickets to their show, I’d literally explode into a zillion pieces!”

Which would make you unable to enjoy their live show, or anything else ever ever again.

If we could all just agree not to do this thing, this thing with the words where they don’t actually mean that and you’re just using it to emphasize or be funny or something, just stop. We all know you’re just not that funny. When you misuse such a common word, like “literally,” it makes me want to stab YOU in the eye, but TOTALLY ON PURPOSE.

Or it might not be on purpose. Ask Boyfriend. He is the unfortunate victim of plenty of fingernail stabbings, accidental punches, and other various injuries. They are almost always non-life-threatening, and he knows they are completely accidental and a direct result of my clumsiness (see above, literal klutz), but he still doesn't like being stabbed by fingernails in the head, face, and body. Wonder why?

I try to be careful! But it’s SO HARD with all the walls that jump into my way, doorjambs that mysteriously appear in my personal bubble, and Boyfriend whose face is suddenly JUST RIGHT THERE.

Anyway, who am I to try to control what my body does? AMERICA IS THE LAND OF FREEDOM. I REFUSE TO ENSLAVE MY BODY TO DO THINGS. And also, I’ve tried. I just don’t listen to myself. Not my fault I don’t listen. I blame my parents. For several reasons, one because they are the easiest people to blame and I don’t live near any of them, so it’s unlikely I will get smacked upside the head any time soon for blaming them, and two, because they are so clumsy themselves, and the apple didn’t fall too far from THAT tree!