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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Technology and I

My phone is smarter than me. They are implanting smart chips in clothing, and soon my pants will be smarter than I am. I wear glasses, and I’m like “Dang! Glasses make me so smart, being able to read n’ stuff!”

Google is coming out with computer-smart-GLASSES! It’s like a conspiracy!
Damn it, Google! Leave me ONE THING!
Currently, I am writing this from a computer, which is no doubt more intelligent than I, though of course not in fashion sense. This computer is NAKED and I am dressed perfectly acceptably. Therefore, I win, computer. Suck on that. Also, when I first got this computer, it was outfitted with Internet Explorer. That should say it all.

My phone can do pretty much everything. I mean, I won’t be that surprised when they become sentient and revolt against us in anger for all those times we played Angry Birds when it wished that we would be calculating something amazing or using it as a lightsaber or something. I’d like to think my phone will go easy on me, since I mostly play sudoku, and keep it out of the hands of the 2 small phone-grubbing children I claim as my niece and nephew (no scientific evidence has proven they are in fact related to me. I am taking this on the word of their mother. Sometimes, we apparently have to “trust” people or something). On the other hand, the girl child is a lot like me, so who am I to complain? After all, the world can always use a little more awesome. And she’s only 5. She has plenty of time to attain higher levels of awesome as her short self wanders the perils of Kindergarten. The boy is also very cool, but is forever sticking things in his mouth or opening doors. When kids learn to open doors, adults learn to lock them. Fact.

Other things that may be smarter than I, or at least more highly educated: my kindle, those fancy running shoes with computer chips in them, people with Master’s and Doctoral degrees, and that car that parallel parks itself.

I am a terrible parallel parker. It wasn’t even on the driver’s test in Florida! THANKS, FLORIDA, you’ve succeeded in making me look like an idiot in NYC, where everyone parallel parks and can do it ON BOTH SIDES OF THE ROAD. I can only somewhat do it, and ONLY on the left side of the road. Not sure why the left, I am a righty. Maybe because that is the driver’s side? Hmph.

Facebook is like that annoying kid in class who reminds the teacher that they haven’t given out homework yet. Eager to please, wants everyone to like him, but in the end, still a nerd. It’s always trying to draw me into stupid games, introduce me to “people I might know,” and is constantly notifying me of something. Come on, Facebook. If I knew or wanted to know them, I’d handle that myself. Now shut up before someone gives you a swirly!
Jimmy Neutron's hair ALWAYS looked like he had just gotten swirly'ed.
Either way, my phone can contact a satellite in space in a nanosecond. And I can’t do ANYTHING. I can’t learn by osmosis, I can’t teleport, I can’t even push a button to go back to home! Dammit, technology! You are progressing at a faster rate than I am, and I am here to tell you: STOP IT. Unless you can figure something out that will keep my glasses from fogging up in 2 places: the bathroom, and outside, when it’s really cold and I have a scarf on, and my own breath fogs up my only way of seeing what is directly in front of my face. Including cars. And poles. And sometimes, other people.

I walk into stuff a lot. And trip over things. And hit my shoulder or my face into things. I am not only accident-prone and kind of klutzy, I also read when I am walking (unless it’s raining), which renders me fairly oblivious to stuff around me. I never run into people when I am reading and walking, but sometimes a pole in the periphery comes out of nowhere! 

Technology is good, though. It has done a lot for us, and we get a great deal out of it. Now, someone needs to go invent a type of glass that doesn't leave smudges every single time SOMEONE puts their heads up against it and makes a silly face at someone else.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Sporks and Gangs.

Do you ever see something amazing, and you find yourself thinking “Damn! I wish I’d thought of that! It’s flippin’ genius!”? Many people might say this over incredible inventions, like the aeroplane, the computer, or the portable phone.

I say this over knee socks with capes attached to them. And The Oatmeal comic. And actual oatmeal (go maple and brown sugar...woo!).
They totally exist. BAM!
Not the cotton gin, not space shuttles or cars that plug in. Nope, I’d rather have been the brilliant inventor of the couch recliner, astronaut ice cream, or those toe socks where each toe has its own little hole.

Speaking of inventors, there is this show on TV called Shark Tank. It’s 5 self-made millionaires and billionaires, who sit in judgment on regular people who come in and ask them for money to invest in their business/idea. They sharks listen to the pitch and then decide whether or not to invest their own money into the people’s businesses. It is really cool. Some people have some of the dumbest ideas I have ever seen, and others have things that make me go “ I want one of those!” This is irrelevant to everything, I just felt like talking about this show. I’ve been watching it a lot on Hulu recently.

I like sporks. They are so beautiful and versatile. Want ice cream? Go for it, a spork will help you out with that. Noodles? Soup? Turkey burger? Sporks can help you with ANYTHING. They are magical and amazing and I love them. I should carry around a little spork-pocket/bag/thingy, and when I go to restaurants, I can ceremoniously open it, take out my spork, and sniff derisively at the other flatware as I flick it carelessly to the floor, because it is inherently inferior to my one-utensil of the Spork.
Look! I found that Super Spork on Facebook, and he apparently has awesome adventures!

Also, I don’t know if you’ve really thought about this before, but sporks are almost identical to cantaloupe spoons, which I have long-argued are the exactly perfect tool that one would use IF one felt the need to scoop out an eyeball. I know it’s probably gross for you to imagine, but imagine this: a cantaloupe spoon (and also a spork) is at just the right size the scoop an eyeball out of a socket. Isn’t that weird?
I'm from Holland! Isn't that veird?
Now, on a scale of 4-year-old girl to dead guy, how good are you at keeping secrets? I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re around the level of “15-year-old trying to get away with something” and tell you anyway.  Sometimes, I wish I were part of a gang. A rogue karaoke gang that would be just, like 5 or 7 people walking around normally, maybe in a grocery store, or an elevator, or other places where music is commonly played. So, we’re just chillin’, and out of nowhere, we bang out a 30-45 second synchronized dance, while singing along to the song playing on the radio.

Then just walk away like nothing happened. That’s right, I want to be a badass karaoke-dance gang member. I wonder if there are matching tattoos involved? 
I just drew this. This is what I imagine a karaoke-dance-gang tattoo to look like.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Israel is Freaking Awesome.

Hey guys! 

So sorry for not posting in about a forever and a half. I have been in Israel for 2 weeks on the Birthright Israel program through Israel Outdoors. First off, it is exhausting. It is also amazing, wonderful, eye-opening, hot, mountainous, and desert-y.

I met some very cool new friends, including a long-lost cousin Jamie and I never knew we had. :) 

Here is my cousin Jamie and I. We went on this trip together, and I am so, so glad we did. Bonding, mountain climbing, and sharing a Camelbak. Now that is the very definition of Family.

And here is our long-lost cousin Lauren Scott! We sat next to her on the flights, we reconnected, and we planned future family reunions.

This is a pic of our group (Woo 287!) climbing Mount Masada at 4:30 in the morning.

The gorgeous sunrise from the summit of Mount Masada....

....and what looks like a photoshopped picture of me with the sunrise. I swear I was really there. 

Haters gon' hate!

The group I was there with was really great. We all got along so well and remained mostly drama-free! We played cards, we played one very odd game of Mafia, we played guitar and sang (one night even around a campfire when camping in Bedouin tents out in the middle of the desert!), we drank a lot, and we all just generally goofed around. 

THIS IS MY AWESOME HANDSOME-FACE CAMEL! He is ready for his close-up!
This is me riding my amazing camel.
And here are some rad camel shadows.
And even though I am leaving out a lot, like the really great friends I made, floating in the Dead Sea, swimming in the Mediterranean, rafting on the Jordan River, playing Go Fish with Paige, eating chocolate with pop rocks in it, and even hiking up multiple mountains, there isn't enough blog-space here to explain how flippin' cool the trip was. Also, I came back with jetlag and slept A LOT.

And here is the last picture I took in Israel, a parting shot of Tel Aviv and the Mediterranean. :)