Technology and I

My phone is smarter than me. They are implanting smart chips in clothing, and soon my pants will be smarter than I am. I wear glasses, and I’m like “Dang! Glasses make me so smart, being able to read n’ stuff!”

Google is coming out with computer-smart-GLASSES! It’s like a conspiracy!

Damn it, Google! Leave me ONE THING!

Currently, I am writing this from a computer, which is no doubt more intelligent than I, though of course not in fashion sense. This computer is NAKED and I am dressed perfectly acceptably. Therefore, I win, computer. Suck on that. Also, when I first got this computer, it was outfitted with Internet Explorer. That should say it all.

My phone can do pretty much everything. I mean, I won’t be that surprised when they become sentient and revolt against us in anger for all those times we played Angry Birds when it wished that we would be calculating something amazing or using it as a lightsaber or something. I’d like to think my phone will go easy on me, since I mostly play sudoku, and keep it out of the hands of the 2 small phone-grubbing children I claim as my niece and nephew (no scientific evidence has proven they are in fact related to me. I am taking this on the word of their mother. Sometimes, we apparently have to “trust” people or something). On the other hand, the girl child is a lot like me, so who am I to complain? After all, the world can always use a little more awesome. And she’s only 5. She has plenty of time to attain higher levels of awesome as her short self wanders the perils of Kindergarten. The boy is also very cool, but is forever sticking things in his mouth or opening doors. When kids learn to open doors, adults learn to lock them. Fact.

Other things that may be smarter than I, or at least more highly educated: my kindle, those fancy running shoes with computer chips in them, people with Master’s and Doctoral degrees, and that car that parallel parks itself.

I am a terrible parallel parker. It wasn’t even on the driver’s test in Florida! THANKS, FLORIDA, you’ve succeeded in making me look like an idiot in NYC, where everyone parallel parks and can do it ON BOTH SIDES OF THE ROAD. I can only somewhat do it, and ONLY on the left side of the road. Not sure why the left, I am a righty. Maybe because that is the driver’s side? Hmph.

Facebook is like that annoying kid in class who reminds the teacher that they haven’t given out homework yet. Eager to please, wants everyone to like him, but in the end, still a nerd. It’s always trying to draw me into stupid games, introduce me to “people I might know,” and is constantly notifying me of something. Come on, Facebook. If I knew or wanted to know them, I’d handle that myself. Now shut up before someone gives you a swirly!

Jimmy Neutron's hair ALWAYS looked like he had just gotten swirly'ed.

Either way, my phone can contact a satellite in space in a nanosecond. And I can’t do ANYTHING. I can’t learn by osmosis, I can’t teleport, I can’t even push a button to go back to home! Dammit, technology! You are progressing at a faster rate than I am, and I am here to tell you: STOP IT. Unless you can figure something out that will keep my glasses from fogging up in 2 places: the bathroom, and outside, when it’s really cold and I have a scarf on, and my own breath fogs up my only way of seeing what is directly in front of my face. Including cars. And poles. And sometimes, other people.

I walk into stuff a lot. And trip over things. And hit my shoulder or my face into things. I am not only accident-prone and kind of klutzy, I also read when I am walking (unless it’s raining), which renders me fairly oblivious to stuff around me. I never run into people when I am reading and walking, but sometimes a pole in the periphery comes out of nowhere! 

Technology is good, though. It has done a lot for us, and we get a great deal out of it. Now, someone needs to go invent a type of glass that doesn't leave smudges every single time SOMEONE puts their heads up against it and makes a silly face at someone else.