When People Find Out...

...That I Live In NYC:

People from New York: “Oh? How long have you lived here? 2.5 years? YOU’RE NOT A REAL NEW YAWKA! I have been in the city since BIRTH. I was born on the TRAIN, and you know why? Because only sissy tourists need cabs or ambulances! Do you even know where Carnegie Deli is?! You’ll never be one of US! ...But, you know, welcome to NY.”

People not from New York: “Oh. My. GAWD. You live in New York CITY?! That’s so cool. I visited there once, when I was 9 and three quarters. I totally saw the Empire State Building. I could so live there. My cousin’s roommate’s brother’s grandma’s friend lives in New York! She’s blonde. Do you know her?”

My Jewish mother: “My daughter lives in NEW YORK. The US Jewish mecca! Maybe she’ll finally date a Jew!”


...That I’m From Florida:

People from Florida: “OK.”

People from Anywhere Else: “Oh god, isn’t it like, SO HOT there? How did you live there? Did you have alligators in your yard? Have you ever wrestled an alligator? Are there a lot of old people there? Hey, you know, my great-great grandparents live in Boca, do you know them?”

Yes. I know EVERY old person in a state filled with old people.

...That I Went To The University of Florida:

People from Florida: “Hell yeah! Par-TAY! Go Gators!”

People from Anywhere Else: “Hell yeah! Go Gators!”

Damn right!

...That I Haven’t Read ‘50 Shades of Grey’:

Men: “What’s that?”

Women: “No. Way. You totally have to read it! It’s so sensual and amazing and even though the writing isn’t that great, it is so SEXY! And Christen is SO HOT. You have to read it. I can’t believe you haven’t read it! You love to read! You HAVE to read it. And they’re making a movie, and we can go watch it together and if you read it, I’ll have someone to talk to about BDSM!”
(FYI: As soon as I hear that “the writing isn’t that great,” I lose whatever tiny bits of interest I had previously!)


...That You Hate Any Food They Love:

“What? Nooo! [food] is the best! You just haven’t tried it prepared the way I make it. You will love it. Just try it. Try it. EAT THIS BITE OR I WILL ATTACK YOU PHYSICALLY WITH ANYTHING WITHIN REACH! I WILL BOX YOUR EARS AND annoy you until you eat this amazingly delicious morsel that you’ve tried 5297 times in different ways and still think you hate.”

...and this is why I have found that it is easier to tell everyone I am allergic to nuts. I’m not. I just don’t like them. And everyone seems absolutely sure that I just haven’t had it in a Snickers, or in brownies, or roasted, or whatever way is their personal favorite.

Squash: one of the devil-foods that I hate the MOST.

I find myself doing the same thing, though. I love broccoli. It is my literally favorite vegetable, and I eat it several times per week. A few weeks ago, someone told me they didn’t like broccoli. And it was basically a personal affront. Like they were attacking not just my way of life, but somehow dishonoring my family’s name. I KNEW if they could just try broccoli sauteed on the stovetop with garlic, salt and pepper, the way I do it at home, that they would fall into the blissful broccoli love that I do. So, it is simply easier for me to tell people I am allergic to nuts.

Given how common of an allergy it is, no one really questions it. I am not lying to hurt anyone. It’s one of those little white lies that is just easier on everyone involved. because now you don’t have to waste your time trying to convince me of the awesomeness of almond-pecan-cashew butter and I don’t have to wrinkle my nose and say no, OR suck it up and try it, because you’ve made a mildly convincing or long-winded enough argument.

All in all, life is good. Broccoli and I are very happy together, Boyfriend and I are done decorating our completely awesome and incredibly attractive apartment, including the most amazing fluffy and comfortable couch ever, I have been doing the blog now for almost a year and a half, and I still enjoy thinking of new random and funny things to post for the 13 people who read it regularly, and BEST of all, my very bestest most amazing and coolest friends in the whole entire WORLD are coming tomorrow to visit! Love them, and we will be playing tourist.

Except in New York and not Paris.

If you see a group of people standing in the middle of the sidewalk taking pictures of buildings and talking 17 miles per minute, while one person tries to herd the rest out of the middle of the sidewalk and sighs exasperatingly but lovingly at their tourist-y antics, that’s us!