Fun Ways To Let People Know You’re Looking For A Job.

aka Helpful Hints for The Job Searching Public.

Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. I mean, I’m employed, right? I'm also a blogger. Therefore, I am a winner and you should totally listen to me.

1. Make your LinkedIn status “Job-single and ready to career-mingle, baby!” That way, they know you’re serious about a job, friendly, looking for a good time, and only slightly drunk at 10 am.

2. Walk around wearing a sandwich board that says “Hire me, and I’ll bring sandwiches for lunch!” Employers need to know that you care about the team and are willing to buy them some lunch to bribe them to do your work sometimes. Everyone loves a free lunch!

3. Make sure your resume is updated. Remove any references to your “illegal side-job” and your “crappy boss who always tried to make me do stuff that wasn’t in my job description!” Bad idea. First off, your job description was left vague for a reason, and there was a line there at the end that said “and any additional tasks deemed necessary.” Secondly, shut your cheese-hole about me. I am not crappy.

4. Wear a T-shirt that claims “If you hire me, I’ll wear low-cut shirts everyday!” But only if you are a girl or a not-so-hairy guy, and definitely not if you’re super old. No one wants to see that! Well, maybe some people do, like other equally old people, but I can’t even verify that with a statistic.

5. Pass out your resume on the street! There are all kinds of potential employers out there, and they are passing you by right now! Hop to it! Make sure to include your address, phone number, and email, so that they can contact you with opportunities. Or stalk you. Either way, new friends! Yay!

6. Create a Youtube channel and do a video diary every single day about how great and awesome and star-tastic you are, including all of your accomplishments (Rizzo from Grease! It proves I can sing and am just slightly slutty!) and aspirations (Someday I hope to accomplish the most amazing, happy-riffic thing I could ever do! Get married to my SOULMATE.). Make sure you wear your oldest sweatshirt and don’t bother to shower. Employers like knowing the real you.
(In my head, this is how an overly-bubbly Legally-Blonde-esque 21-year-old sounds)

7. Tell everyone about that screenplay/novel/script you wrote, and make sure to give them a very detailed description, including that sweet love scene between the alien-headed half-boy and the female minotaur, who cross the boundaries of time, space, and species to be together one last time, before the girl has to leap off into the rainbows to find her way home and to the arranged marriage her parents set up with the neighborhood butcher’s son, who is one-quarter pig. It's incredible, since his father is a butcher and all, that he is even still alive today with all of his bacon-y goodness.

8. Prepare for interviews by watching a lot of cop shows and movies. Criminal Minds, Bones, Law and Order, some NYPD Blue. After all, what is an interrogation other than a slightly aggressive interview?

9. Aggressively call, email, fax, shout out on social media, and write physical letters to the company of your dreams. Trust me, those guys at Google love getting your resume and cover letter and expressions of excitement from every available technology, and will perceive your stalking as persistence. Who doesn’t want a persistent and technologically advanced employee?

10. Pursue another college degree. Did you realize that the government will just GIVE you money to pay for school? You can be a student forever! And student loans don’t start getting paid off until about 6 months after you graduate. So, if you are a student forever, then when you die with $1,345,652 in student loans, you will have gotten a free life-long education! And I am pretty sure they release the debt when you die, not going after your family for the money. Just saying--loophole!

There you go, my knowledge of the job market, in a helpful list format. And with correct grammar, punctuation and spelling! Take that, internet!

If you can’t find a job now, I am pretty sure you’re doing something wrong. After all, who wouldn’t want a person who is clever, witty, entertaining, buys lunch for the office, dresses mildly provocatively, has a spectacular education, AND knows all about today's advanced technology, such as robots and fax machines?

YOU ARE WELCOME, WORLD.