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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

You Clearly Don't Know What 'Breaking News!' Means.

Why are we so willing to forgive celebrities? Is it simply because they’re famous? We always seem to give them a level of benefit of a doubt that normal people don’t get.

Swear to God, I was at the gym last night, bopping and flailing along on the elliptical machine, and I was flipping through TV channels. Normally I watch Jeopardy!, but I worked a little late yesterday and sadly missed the new Jeopardy! episode. Anyway, I was flipping through the channels and E! News was yelling “BREAKING NEWS!” So, naturally, I stopped.

It continued. “BREAKING NEWS! Justin Bieber goes indoor skydiving in Vegas and is banned for life after not posting a positive review on social media. He and his entourage all got free entrance, in exchange for the promised posting.” Then the host starts speculating. “Well, maybe he has a dedicated social media person in his entourage that usually reminds him to do these types of things, and maybe he just wasn’t there that day.”

Seriously? Several things come to mind at this point:
1. E! News needs to learn what “BREAKING NEWS!” means. This was neither breaking nor particularly news.
2. No one over about 15 cares about Justin Bieber.
3. Why were they giving him this benefit of the doubt? Maybe he has someone to tell him to post to social media in exchange for free stuff? Come on. Was it someone ELSE saying “Yes, give me free stuff, sure I’ll post something, no prob.”

Why can’t the news be more like “BREAKING NEWS! Bradley Cooper did something he said he would do and seems like a decent guy. Stay tuned for more people who hold themselves accountable. In other news, Justin Bieber continues to act like a normal 19-year-old and is pissing off his parents and neighbors. When asked for a comment, he responded, ‘Whatever! I’m a grown up and you can’t tell me what to DO!’”

Although, on the other end of the spectrum, while we may be too forgiving for a lot of celebrities, I know we see the other side of that coin, too.

Right now there is an old, white southern woman who is being castigated in the media and shamed by the public because she shockingly admitted to having said some racist things in the past.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t agree with anything she said or think it is okay, but have you ever met anyone older in the South? They’re from a different generation, which does NOT BY ANY MEANS make it right, but does give some explanation.

People in older generations used to use negative racial language much more openly than people who still use it do today, and it's not okay, but it's part of the social learning curve that we all get as we and society ages and changes. A good example of this is the gay rights movement in this generation.

When I’m 70 years old, I hope that calling something “gay” in a negative way is not happening anymore, and that younger generations look back on the history of it and laugh at how opposed so many people were to gay rights. Just like we look back and see how many people were on the wrong side of history in the civil rights movement, opposing equality then, I truly hope that this new equality movement shows the same thing.
I love you, The Oatmeal.
Like I said, it doesn’t make it right or okay, but it’s more of an explanation, I suppose. We’ve all said stupid or offensive stuff and we aren’t individually shamed or hated

I’ve never cared much about Justin Bieber or Paula Deen, though I do have a secret love of tabloid magazines, so I am at least relatively informed about what’s going on in the celebrity fishbowl.

Not, like, every single day. Maybe once every other week or so, when I buy a tabloid mag at the drugstore.

I feel like we all get so offended by everything these days. Like, I can’t even say “I hate stupid people.” without people being all up in arms about it. Stupid people wouldn’t protest, because most of the time, they don’t realize they’re that stupid, but other people would start screaming “What if they can’t help being stupid?! What if it’s a DISEASE?” And then suddenly the Stupidity Association of America would be suing me for slander and defamation and internet trolls might release my personal information online and now I’m suddenly getting death threats and scared to leave my house and I have to get a bodyguard and a huge stupid-people-scaring dog.

And I just don’t have the money for all that, PLUS I don’t think my apartment is big enough for a giant stupidity-detecting dog. And I would want the Sherlock of slobbery four-legged friends.

I’m so blog-famous now, I just know that because I wrote the phrase “I hate stupid people” that all these terrible things are going to happen and I am going to end up with some huge hulking bouncer-bodyguard all up in my private bubble of space and all my food will be tasted by someone who would most certainly be my poison-tester, and I’ll have to get a huge furry dog, which I’ll insist on naming Dragon the dog, who will probably insist on sleeping in my bed, which will force Boyfriend and I to get a bigger bed, which will cost a lot of money, which I won’t have because I’ll be using it all to pay for my lawyers for defending me in the lawsuit that was filed by the Stupidity Association of American Stupid-heads, which will tie me up in court for years and years, and then Boyfriend will get sick of the bodyguard and the dog and the lack of privacy and will probably make me move away from it all, and then I’ll have to get my passport renewed so that we can go live on a deserted island somewhere far away, and I really super hate standing in line at the dumb post office to get my passport renewed.

Either that, or all those rabid humorless Justin Bieber fans will attack me on the streets. Oh, well!

P.S. Throughout this entire post, I apparently misspelled it as "Beiber." I didn't know the difference, but spellcheck does. Lol!

Friday, June 14, 2013

A Poem About Thieves In The Night

I lay my head down, 
To sleep, perchance to dream?
Nestled in cool sheets.
I wanted beautiful feet.
Free of callus, 
Free from dryness from sweating at the gym. 

So I draw a fresh sock
Upon each foot,
After wondrous moisturizing cream,
To make them beautiful.
Feet, be warm, 
Be moisturized and soft and lovely!

And to sleep I went, 

Softly floating,
Vaguely dreaming,
Dawn not yet a hint on the horizon. 
Stars shone bright, 
The night grew weary,
Pushing back the day.

Eventually, morning broke

Not to be held back any longer.
And me, waking
To the blaring of a rude alarm
That intruded on my bliss.

I reach, I snooze,
I stretch and smile.
I wake, reluctantly,
Before reaching for the day.

At first, I did not notice.
Just started to go about my morning.
Then, suddenly, I realized
I was no longer wearing socks!

What mystery! 
What defeat!
What trick of thieves of
Night is this?

Who would dare disturb my slumber
And take from me my socks?
Even the dryer waits until 
I am no longer standing next to it!

Thieves in the night,
You will not prevail!
I will avenge my stolen articles!

I will not stand for your rudeness, 
Your coarseness, your uncivilized, offensive ways!
You will stand trial for your crimes,
For I am nothing if not vengeful,
And adorable and polite and nice to have around. 

On the other hand, 
Though they were taken from my person
And my bubble of space was clearly breached,
At least you didn't run away with them
And hide them in your secret dungeon
Stuffed full with the possessions that 
You've stolen from the innocent while
They sleep their unknowing slumber. 

Whatever nefarious things you did,
Whatever the things you put those poor socks through,
For some reason, 
You left them neatly folded next to my side of the bed.
I suppose it would've been even more
Befuddling if you'd left them somewhere else.
Like the bathroom, or hanging on the ceiling fan. 

I suppose I should appreciate
That at least you recognized that they were not your socks to keep, 
Oh, Thieves of the Night, and 
At least allowed me to retain possession 
Of my own stolen socks.

Yet, there will be no forgiveness!
For I am still the vengeful sort!
Perhaps I'll find your secret dungeon
And start some thieving of my own!
And then you'll see.

And then you'll learn
What type of person you have messed with. 

You'll know not to take
What isn't yours, before
Oddly bringing them back to the scene of the crime,
Neatly placing them near the person you'd stolen from. 
I'll show you how it feels!
To have your innocence so shattered!
You'll think twice next time, 
Perhaps you'll have learned your lesson!
Vengeance shall be mine!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Gonna party like it's my birthday!

...and you know we don't give a *&#@ it's not your birthday! Party in the club...!

Woohoo! I am officially 27! I am so excited and pleased and smug in my knowledge that unlike many others in this world, I LOVE getting older, and don't feel the least bit "old."

I'll be that girl turning 50, screaming "WOOHOO! 50! YEAH!" out of the open sunroof in the limo my friends and I have rented so that we can go terrorize the streets of Las Vegas.

You know, it's just how we roll. :)

Getting older is going to happen whether you go kicking and screaming, or gently into the good night. So, I figure since there is no point in fighting it, I might as well enjoy the heck out of it! 

Every year, I get to go on new adventures, meet new people, and see new places. 

And in my quest to see the world and make a small mark of my own, I need the age, the wisdom, and curiosity to thirst for it all. 

At 23, I moved to NY alone. 

At 24, I met Boyfriend. 

At 25, I jumped from a perfectly good airplane, on purpose, with one of my favorite people in the world.

At 26, I both moved in with aforementioned Boyfriend, and got the job I'd been looking for, for what seemed like forever!
My coworkers decorated my desk!


Who knows what 27 will hold? TELL ME YOUR SECRETS, 27! OR I SHALL BEAT THEM OUT OF YOU! 


Apparently I may be getting sort of aggressive at my ripe old age of 27. Perhaps I should ask some of my friends, who are already 27 or have been before. After all, I should learn the ways. Am I supposed to be all grown up now or something?

The best part about turning 27 in 2013 is that 7 and 3 are my very favorite numbers EVER and they are right there in both numbers! That's so awesome. This will probably be an incredible, magical, wonderful, or at least fun year. 

3 and 7 are both prime numbers. They add together to make a perfect round first-double-digit number, and they are so attractive. 3 with her crazy curves, 7 with her angles and the little line I put through the center when I write it. 

Call me crazy,
Call me weird.
Call me whatever.
At least I'm getting calls!

Lines I wrote yesterday:
I have, I have, I have sunshine to find. 

I want, I want, I want to jump off of the grind and fall into, into, into that sunshine state of mind.

We can only be so refined. 
We can only be so defined by that one part of us that yearns for freedom and stays stuck behind.

I have, I have, I have been too long blind. 
I need, I need, I need to learn to unwind, and fall into, into, into that sunshine state of mind.

And then look, today, the anniversary of the day I graced the world with my presence, the day is full of sunshine and life and people and cheer. :)

...also, I have noticed that I have a lot more friends on fb than in real life! Even though everyone on fb are people I actually for-realz know in real life. Life is strange, my friends.

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes and thoughts! In the words of George Feeny: I love you all.