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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Uniquely Normal

Why do people say stuff about being normal? Like, “Why can’t our family be normal?” and “Normal boyfriends don’t DO THAT.”

Why is “normal” something to strive for? I am weird, and strange and sometimes incomprehensible, definitely irrepressible, overly energetic, and I come from a family that puts the FUN in dysfunctional. I mean, why the hell would I give all that up? It's fun.

I love myself, my life, my family, and my completely weird boyfriend, too. He tries to hide it. When people first meet him, they think he’s pretty normal, and likely wonder how he ended up with weird ol’ me. But in truth, he is as bizarre as the rest of us, and funny, too! He just hides it better than others. I don't even bother trying to hide it. Take me as I am, world!

And what is “normal” anyway? says:
Adjective: Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
Noun: The usual, average, or typical state or condition.

Yeah, because that sounds like a fun way to live your life and experience adventure and excitement and emotions and be happy with who you are as an individual.

Take it from me. Whatever you think of as "normal" isn't even real! The ideal you think of as “normal” is simply a social construct of the present society, and that changes with each generation. What I, a 26 year old, may think of as normal, a 16 year old would think was something completely different, as would a 36 year old. By the same token, what I think of as normal now may be something completely different a few years down the line.

But what’s so great about it? Why do so many people think “If only my family/friends/job/life were normal, everything would be so much better!”

No, it wouldn’t.

Come on. Normal is overrated and in a large extent, doesn’t actually exist. Because what you think of as typical or usual will be completely different than what your cousin, or best friend, or sister may think of.

That’s it! Normal DOESN’T EXIST. There is no such thing as the “typical person” or “usual life experience.” Life, your life, is what you make it. Be yourself, be proud of the quirks that make you different, because if everyone were the same, we would be incredibly, unnaturally, wholly boring.

You’re unique! Just like everyone else in the world. :)

Here is a poster demonstrating that.

And here is a poster to remind everyone that just because you ARE unique, still doesn't mean you are all that and a bag of cheddar and sour cream chips, mmmkay?

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Short Funny Poems. Yay!

So, I started out this post by toying with children's nursery rhymes. Tweaking them slightly, making it a bit more fun (for me, anyway!) Here are the ones I messed with. :)

Rain, rain, go away,
Come back when I’m sleeping.
If you endure,
I will lure
All the rainbows into my keeping.

^^That was not as menacing as I thought it was going to be when I first started writing that little stanza. I was planning to go with something more about getting revenge against the rain...but this is what came out, so okay, then.

Star light, star so bright,
So many stars I see tonight.
I wish I may, I wish I might
I’m trying to sleep, could you turn off the darn light?!

^^This could also be acceptable to shout at that ONE random lamppost that somehow ALWAYS manages to shine into my window. No matter where I live. I think it’s stalking me. Creeping in shadow, following my path, learning my habits, then BAM! Light in the face.

One, Two
Tie my shoe.
Three, Four
Lock the front door.
Five, Six
Picking up tix,
Seven, Eight
Jamming to the band ‘til late.
Nine, Ten
Encore! Do it again!

And then I somehow got into doing some haikus. And not just ANY haikus, but ones about life, and other random stuff! These were pretty fun. I will say, though, that perhaps I am WAY too into haikus today... 

A haiku for Monday mornings:
Buzz buzz buzz buzz SLAP.
I hate you, I hate you. Ugh.
Fine. I am awake.

A haiku for Thursday mornings:
Woo! I am awake!
Yay, thank god it’s Friday now!
Crapit. Wrong again.

A haiku on coffee:
Brown muddy liquid
Gold, you make my brain happy.
Want you in my blood.

A haiku for Sunday afternoons:
Laundry: Do yourself!
So selfish, with your demands!
Wash, dry, fold, hang, wear.

A haiku for Thanksgiving:
I love family!
So much food, so little time.
Turkey coma nap.

A haiku for shopping on Black Friday:
Give me that shirt, Bi**h!
These shoes belong to me now!
Giiiiiiiirl, I will cut you!

A haiku for a sunny day in NYC:
Sun shines down on me.
Napping under shady tree.
Do not steal my purse.

Haiku-ing at work:
Computer, don’t die!
I need you! I love you, please!
Do not fail me now.

A haiku about my lack of patience:
Get out of my way!
I hate waiting, long lines suck
I have no patience.

I miss hand-written
Letters, so personal, and
I love getting mail!

What my cat thinks about:
I am the king here.
That girl is my serving wench.
Feed me, wench! Purr purr.

What the dog thinks:
Oh my god, you’re home!
I missed you so very much!
Let’s go play outside!

New twist on an old joke :)
Knock, knock, who is there?
Interrupting cow out here!

Holy cow, there are more haikus there than I originally thought. Oh, well! Go, write some haikus! Feel free to share them with me, especially if they are either really funny or horrifically terrible. Those 2 general categories are my favorite kinds of categories! You know what else is fun? Sometimes, when I am at the gym working out, I do the workout in time to whatever song I am listening to. And sometimes, I think about how I would change a lyric here and there to make the song COMPLETELY different. Perfect example: In the song "Grenade" by Bruno Mars (more on my thoughts on that song found here), if you change "catch" to "throw," then he is singing about how he is going to get back at a girl who didn't love him and kissed with her eyes open (still weird) by throwing grenades at her. Also, he could add some stuff about napalm and guerrilla warfare. Could be verrrrrry interesting!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Deep Thoughts I've Had On The Train

I ride the train every day to and from work. So do most people who live in NY. That is probably where the similarities end. I am weird, and I have weird thoughts. And thanks to the invention of the smartphone, I no longer have to jot down ideas on my hand or a scrap of paper in my purse.

I have a nice long note in the “note app” on my phone, where I type in random thoughts and ideas I have while on the trains. It’s convenient, since I don’t have to dig around my purse, and it only takes a moment. But, and here’s the most important part, I’m weird.

I never know if I am jotting down something as an idea for some random thing later, could be song lyrics, might just be a funny quip I want to remember to tell someone later, or it could just be an observation about people I see on the train and the inexplicable things they do. Here is what it’s like in my head (you're welcome for this):

-Trains are not for people who get motion sickness.

-Flying is way better than invisibility. I mean, you’re not a ghost, you can’t go through walls, and it isn’t a mode of transportation. So, what? You may be invisible, but you’re still a guy on the bus. At least flying is way awesome and gets you to the crime scene. Or home in time for your favorite show, and without running into traffic, because it’s not like there are millions of other flying people up in the skies, clogging my way home.

-In some people, clearing their throat sounds incredibly similar to a cat hacking up a hairball. And it is probably inappropriate to wince.

-Spandex is not for everyone.

-Wearing workout (or yoga or spandex) pants does not necessarily mean you need to be working out at all times while wearing them. (There was an older lady doing lunges and squats. On the train. With other people around. I should mention there was no music, and it was the middle of the day. I guess I am just thankful she wasn’t wearing a Jane Fonda leotard...)

-Even if it is just water, no one wants to stand near the wet spot. We will actually invade each others personal space to avoid it. And as other train riders will attest, not too much will make us invade one another's personal bubble.

-It is eerily silent on the train during rush hour. In a very weird way. A couple hundred people all occupying the same space, and nothing is said. When you think about it, it's a little creepy.

-I think I might make it a thing, to be call people "Chief" in a somewhat condescending way, but do it with a smile on my face. This will cause maximum confusion-slash-annoyance. I don’t know why I thought of this while I was on a silent 8 am train ride.

-People have weird arguments. It’s like a little window of observation into other people’s lives. One you normally wouldn’t see, but for some bizarre reason, they think a train platform or a crowded seat is the best place to discuss whose fault it is that Tara doesn’t come over to the house any more, and maybe she doesn’t like us, or I think it’s because you didn’t compliment her shoes last time she was there and now I am going to call her and MAKE her tell me why she hates us, and I bet you anything it’s her deadbeat boyfriend who doesn’t want her hanging out anymore, ever since we took her to that strip club last month, and that was SO FUN. We should totally do that again sometime.

-”Holy cannoli” and “holy carp” are both so much more fun to say than “holy crap."

-If you are wearing headphones, why do I still need to hear your music? Is it for validation? Proof of your crappy taste in music (unless it's something I like)? Doesn't it hurt your ears for it to be so loud? 

-Have you ever just looked at someone and thought “Now there’s a person who types in all caps.”? (I know it’s weird. But I have had that exact thought about people. More than once. Think about it.)

(and speaking of caps lock...)
-Caps lock is like the “irrational screaming at hobos” button. That's what I imagine you are doing when you pointlessly write everything in all caps. That you are a crazy person who screams at hobos on the street while getting all red in the face and starting to sweat. And steam starts to shoot out of your ears. And then you are hilariously crushed by a falling ACME safe.

-I think my body is out to get me. I swear, if I am anywhere else in the whole world, I am totally fine, but the second I get on a train, my body starts taunting me, like “I wonder how far away a bathroom is.” and “You know what would be hilarious right now? A fart!” And I am just like “Quiet down, self! I am trying to read my Kindle here! Give us some time alone, we are in love! Kindle and I are IN LOVE and we want to be left alone and not argue about bathrooms. Oh man, I totally have to go to the bathroom.”

-Happened on the train one morning, which prompted me to make a fb status about it:
There was a bum on the train this morning, but she was overly aggressive. Like, "What! So I don't have no money! WHAT!" in one guys face and then a few seconds of quiet, and then "So, anybody got a dime or somethin'?" And I'm like "Whoa. Check your approach, you catch more flies with honey, dude."

-I wonder if pregnant ladies get sick on the train?

-There may or may not be a preacher on the this train. I am hearing occasional outbursts, at least one or 2 “Jesus!” claims, but it isn't loud enough to disturb me. Win. Or lose, if you're talking about the caliber of preacher this guy is.

-My life revolves around whether or not I get a seat on the train.

-This happened just this morning!
Some woman was listening to "Call Me Maybe" on her headphones, but it was so loud that several people away, I could clearly hear it. So I caught her eye, then started bobbing along and mouthing the words (I clearly wasn't wearing headphones). If looks could kill....but I dont know if she was embarrassed at being caught out listening to that song, or mad that I danced better than her.

And now, I leave you with this awesome comic from XKCD: This is me.