Deep Thoughts I've Had On The Train

I ride the train every day to and from work. So do most people who live in NY. That is probably where the similarities end. I am weird, and I have weird thoughts. And thanks to the invention of the smartphone, I no longer have to jot down ideas on my hand or a scrap of paper in my purse.

I have a nice long note in the “note app” on my phone, where I type in random thoughts and ideas I have while on the trains. It’s convenient, since I don’t have to dig around my purse, and it only takes a moment. But, and here’s the most important part, I’m weird.

I never know if I am jotting down something as an idea for some random thing later, could be song lyrics, might just be a funny quip I want to remember to tell someone later, or it could just be an observation about people I see on the train and the inexplicable things they do. Here is what it’s like in my head (you're welcome for this):

-Trains are not for people who get motion sickness.

-Flying is way better than invisibility. I mean, you’re not a ghost, you can’t go through walls, and it isn’t a mode of transportation. So, what? You may be invisible, but you’re still a guy on the bus. At least flying is way awesome and gets you to the crime scene. Or home in time for your favorite show, and without running into traffic, because it’s not like there are millions of other flying people up in the skies, clogging my way home.

-In some people, clearing their throat sounds incredibly similar to a cat hacking up a hairball. And it is probably inappropriate to wince.

-Spandex is not for everyone.

-Wearing workout (or yoga or spandex) pants does not necessarily mean you need to be working out at all times while wearing them. (There was an older lady doing lunges and squats. On the train. With other people around. I should mention there was no music, and it was the middle of the day. I guess I am just thankful she wasn’t wearing a Jane Fonda leotard...)

-Even if it is just water, no one wants to stand near the wet spot. We will actually invade each others personal space to avoid it. And as other train riders will attest, not too much will make us invade one another's personal bubble.

-It is eerily silent on the train during rush hour. In a very weird way. A couple hundred people all occupying the same space, and nothing is said. When you think about it, it's a little creepy.

-I think I might make it a thing, to be call people "Chief" in a somewhat condescending way, but do it with a smile on my face. This will cause maximum confusion-slash-annoyance. I don’t know why I thought of this while I was on a silent 8 am train ride.

-People have weird arguments. It’s like a little window of observation into other people’s lives. One you normally wouldn’t see, but for some bizarre reason, they think a train platform or a crowded seat is the best place to discuss whose fault it is that Tara doesn’t come over to the house any more, and maybe she doesn’t like us, or I think it’s because you didn’t compliment her shoes last time she was there and now I am going to call her and MAKE her tell me why she hates us, and I bet you anything it’s her deadbeat boyfriend who doesn’t want her hanging out anymore, ever since we took her to that strip club last month, and that was SO FUN. We should totally do that again sometime.

-”Holy cannoli” and “holy carp” are both so much more fun to say than “holy crap."

-If you are wearing headphones, why do I still need to hear your music? Is it for validation? Proof of your crappy taste in music (unless it's something I like)? Doesn't it hurt your ears for it to be so loud? 

-Have you ever just looked at someone and thought “Now there’s a person who types in all caps.”? (I know it’s weird. But I have had that exact thought about people. More than once. Think about it.)

(and speaking of caps lock...)
-Caps lock is like the “irrational screaming at hobos” button. That's what I imagine you are doing when you pointlessly write everything in all caps. That you are a crazy person who screams at hobos on the street while getting all red in the face and starting to sweat. And steam starts to shoot out of your ears. And then you are hilariously crushed by a falling ACME safe.

-I think my body is out to get me. I swear, if I am anywhere else in the whole world, I am totally fine, but the second I get on a train, my body starts taunting me, like “I wonder how far away a bathroom is.” and “You know what would be hilarious right now? A fart!” And I am just like “Quiet down, self! I am trying to read my Kindle here! Give us some time alone, we are in love! Kindle and I are IN LOVE and we want to be left alone and not argue about bathrooms. Oh man, I totally have to go to the bathroom.”

-Happened on the train one morning, which prompted me to make a fb status about it:
There was a bum on the train this morning, but she was overly aggressive. Like, "What! So I don't have no money! WHAT!" in one guys face and then a few seconds of quiet, and then "So, anybody got a dime or somethin'?" And I'm like "Whoa. Check your approach, you catch more flies with honey, dude."

-I wonder if pregnant ladies get sick on the train?

-There may or may not be a preacher on the this train. I am hearing occasional outbursts, at least one or 2 “Jesus!” claims, but it isn't loud enough to disturb me. Win. Or lose, if you're talking about the caliber of preacher this guy is.

-My life revolves around whether or not I get a seat on the train.

-This happened just this morning!
Some woman was listening to "Call Me Maybe" on her headphones, but it was so loud that several people away, I could clearly hear it. So I caught her eye, then started bobbing along and mouthing the words (I clearly wasn't wearing headphones). If looks could kill....but I dont know if she was embarrassed at being caught out listening to that song, or mad that I danced better than her.

And now, I leave you with this awesome comic from XKCD:

http://xkcd.com/152/ This is me.