Get widget

Friday, March 23, 2012

I'm An Astrologer Now! No Training? No Problem!

So, I have this thing. I think it's hilarious. You look up a friends horoscope for that day, and then when you see them later, walk up behind them like a super creepy weirdo-dude. Like, one of those guys who wear skin-tight skinny jeans and a sleeveless t-shirt? And in as awkward and squeaky a voice as you possibly can, creepily start whispering their horoscope to them. Like *sneak sneak* "Heeeeeeey. Don't make any rash decisions today......!" The reaction is priceless. I find this hysterical to even think about! My roommate and I have actually started doing this to each others faces at random. You can't help but laugh.

Look at my horoscope for today! [I'm a Gemini. I don't care what you are. Deal with it. I AM A GEMINI. This is MY horoscope, so YOU deal! Tough cookies if you're something else. Just ask me, I'll give your yours. Maybe.]

You will be awesome, like most days. You will pass a mirror and may not at first realize it’s a mirror until after you wink and say “heeeeey, you lookin’ goooood.” People around you on public transportation may think you’re weird, and it may or may not be banana-related. Embrace the weirdness and do not change, for they don’t KNOW YOU and you won’t see them ever again anyway, so you might as well have some fun. Avoid 3rd Avenue today, it’s really traffic-y and there’s still a lot of construction. The elevator in your work building will have that weird grinding noise again around 1 pm, but don’t worry, I don’t see the “Death” card in your tarot today, so you’re good. Besides, 12 flights is a LOT of stairs, even when going down. You’re going to feel mildly contrite when you skip the gym to hang out with your boyfriend. It’s ok, you can blame Boyfriend. He won’t mind.

Today’s Weather Forecast:
Not as cold out as the temperature in your room or of the toilet seat might suggest, even though the window is wide open, letting in the outside temperature. In the afternoon, it will be sunny and bright, and you’ll have lost one of the lenses from your sunglasses in your bottomless, gigantic woman-purse-suitcase-thingy. Evening temperatures are set to rise when you see Boyfriend for the first time in several days, and then cool down almost immediately after you forget your jacket when you leave for the movies.

Work Forecast:
Your positive attitude and openness make people think they can ask you to take over a couple of their projects late on a Friday afternoon, but your hearty dose of sarcasm and some “don’t try me” body language remind them that your bite is worse than your bark. Your lucky numbers today are 5, 3, and 0! When together, they represent an escape to freedom. Based on the astral plane, it looks like you’re making tacos tonight. Congrats on an easy, yet amazingly delicious meal!

Movie Theater Forecast: Crowded, popcorn not buttery enough, the kid behind you didn’t turn off his damn cell phone, and it rings right in the middle of the biggest twist. Entire theater mutters under their breath about what a douche canoe that kid is. That kid is oblivious, but also embarrassed that everyone probably just heard his girlfriend’s ringtone, which is “Mine” by Taylor Swift. People notice, and they laugh.

Activity Forecast:
Playing pool: Mediocre, with occasional flashes of awesome just often enough to have your teammate be impressed, followed by mild disappointment and humor when you bank the yellow 2 ball off 3 rails and not hit anything else or come anywhere near the pocket. Your long shots will surprise and amaze many. Or, at the very least they will surprise and amaze you. Try to be solids, it’ll realign your chi.

At the Bar: The resident creepy old guy will assume you’re staring at him when you accidentally catch his eye while checkin’ out the scene on the dance floor. He’ll wink, and think about heading over, and you’ll immediately turn to your girls and whisper what just happened. Escape to the bar or bathroom if he decides he has a shot. Vodka is your lucky drink! Your friend’s heels are sparkly and amazing and you’ll have a momentary pang of jealousness, before you remember that you’re a dance-in-your-Converse type of gal, and that you’re also superklutzy and might die on the dance floor if you wore those hot shoes anyway.

At Karaoke: This weekend, the stars are all aligned in a random-looking but specifically amazing pattern that makes you the karaoke queen! Rock your heart out, girl. Do some Alanis, she needs the love. Rock out to the 80s, and don’t forget to do a classic all-friends rendition of something appropriately sappy, such as “Friends In Low Places.” Because your moon is in retrograde, try singing something like “Eye of the Tiger” or “We Built This City” for strong motivation.

Gym: Saturn has a buncha moons, and let’s face it, they are all in the wrong orbital planes and on a bad axis for forcing you to go to the gym after the Saturday night you’re about to have. You’re going to feel kind of guilty, and probably have good intentions about going “later today” but in the end, you’ll be at home watching Once Upon A Time when you could be complaining about jogging while actually jogging. Don’t worry, Pluto (which I will always consider a planet, no matter what THEY say) is in the right grade and you’ll be back in the gym and not feeling terribly guilty on Monday.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Coming THISCLOSE To Saying The Right Thing

Sometimes I think of a hilarious insult or comeback, and then I completely and totally, without meaning to, ruin it. My sister was bragging about something once, and a bunch of us were sitting in the living room, and I looked at her and said, dead serious, “Even a blind nut finds an squirrel sometimes.”

The entire room bursts into guffaws, even though I SWEAR I MEANT “Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn sometimes.” Which, really, would have been the perfect response and everyone would have been laughing WITH me, instead of AT me, as is more usual. Oh, well. This was a year ago. I wasn’t a kid, I was a fully grown, mostly functional adult when this happened. Fully capable of stringing together a coherent sentence...sort of.

I guess you had to have been there, because it was seriously hilarious. The thing is, I love funny insults and jokes. Sadly, I sometimes ruin them in the retelling. It might be a family thing. My brother Charlie can’t finish a joke correctly to save his life, even though he’s a fairly funny individual in regular life. No matter how long or short the joke is, he mangles the punchline, which either makes the rest of us laugh at him, or just stare blankly in confusion, because HE is laughing hysterically and the resyt of us have no idea why or if that was funny.

Also, I hate those times when you are arguing with someone, or being teased, and you just end up mumbling “oh...YOUR MOM!” because you can’t think of anything, and then 3 minutes later, you think of the most spectacularly perfect thing to say, but the moment has passed and it’s too late. Arg, that’s such a frustrating feeling!

Or when you’re going over the conversation in your head later, and you craft a wondrous speech full of excellent points and subtle sarcasm, that lightly hints at your adversary being an overgrown puppet with a hand up their ass that dances to the tune of THE MAN, but of course, you’ll never get to say it. By the time you see them next, the time to have given your oratory masterpiece is over, and that person will never realize how close they came to being auditorily eviscerated by your words.

Effective AND annoying. What more could you want??

Friday, March 2, 2012

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!

So, I recently told everyone that I was tired of the rightleaning politicians that base things on religion and not fact. I don't care what you believe, I have no desire to change your mind, or convince you one way or the other. 

What does bother me is when people use and twist religion to suit their needs, their prejudices, and fuel their hate. Oh, God hates gays? Well, the Bible also clearly states that marriage is only valid if the woman is a virgin, that divorce is prohibited, that stoning is an acceptable form of punishment, as is execution (for a non-virginal bride and other crimes), premarital sex is a sin, it prohibits tattoos, and apparently Leviticus has a passage about forbidding people from playing with the skin of a pig. The Bible also tells the story of Adam and Eve, who had children, mated with their children, who mated with each other and their own children, and so on, to create the population. So, according to the Bible, incest is probably ok, too. There's also a virgin birth mentioned in there. If a married woman stepped up and said she was a pregnant virgin now, would anyone believe her? Even though, technically, there is a precedent for this sort of thing?

Personally, I think of religion as a moral code. A basic ideal of right and wrong, and I also believe that we have to live as good people in order to be closer to God. You can't pick and choose what you want to be righteous about, and then condemn others for not agreeing with your nitpicking. That makes you judgmental and the Bible clearly says to judge not, shall ye be judged. But, oh, you want to tell everyone how God hates whole groups of people? How do you know, did you ask?

Either way, a much more fun, rhyming, honorary doctor is a wonderful person to follow and believe in! And so, I present to you, the new religion I am founding, Seussology. We follow the teachings of Dr. Seuss, and we pray to the Magical Cat in the Sky. Here, check out this awesome collection of Dr. Seuss quotes, in which he reminds us to smile, to be good people, to go places, and to dream big. Worship him! All hail Dr. Seuss!

Thanks to Sylvia Martinez over at
Dr. Seuss said “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and who matter don’t mind.” And I definitely agree. He was a man who pushed kids to have their own voice, to use their imaginations every day, and to dream big, knowing you can be anything you want to be. 

I saw this quote on Facebook, as a response to someone asking why another person wouldn't believe in God. “Because I find the idea of worshiping an unelected, unaccountable celestial dictator with a history of genocide morally appalling.” [Will add name when I can find it on FB]

I may not agree with what he believes, as I am Jewish, myself, but I can absolutely, 100% see where he is coming from.

So, hey. If you have to believe in something, believe in Dr. Seuss! His real name is Theador Seuss Geisel, and went by Ted. 

Seuss is actually pronounced as "Zoice" and not "Soose." According to his website
I'm not changing! I will continue saying "Soose!"