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Friday, March 23, 2012

I'm An Astrologer Now! No Training? No Problem!

So, I have this thing. I think it's hilarious. You look up a friends horoscope for that day, and then when you see them later, walk up behind them like a super creepy weirdo-dude. Like, one of those guys who wear skin-tight skinny jeans and a sleeveless t-shirt? And in as awkward and squeaky a voice as you possibly can, creepily start whispering their horoscope to them. Like *sneak sneak* "Heeeeeeey. Don't make any rash decisions today......!" The reaction is priceless. I find this hysterical to even think about! My roommate and I have actually started doing this to each others faces at random. You can't help but laugh.

Look at my horoscope for today! [I'm a Gemini. I don't care what you are. Deal with it. I AM A GEMINI. This is MY horoscope, so YOU deal! Tough cookies if you're something else. Just ask me, I'll give your yours. Maybe.]

You will be awesome, like most days. You will pass a mirror and may not at first realize it’s a mirror until after you wink and say “heeeeey, you lookin’ goooood.” People around you on public transportation may think you’re weird, and it may or may not be banana-related. Embrace the weirdness and do not change, for they don’t KNOW YOU and you won’t see them ever again anyway, so you might as well have some fun. Avoid 3rd Avenue today, it’s really traffic-y and there’s still a lot of construction. The elevator in your work building will have that weird grinding noise again around 1 pm, but don’t worry, I don’t see the “Death” card in your tarot today, so you’re good. Besides, 12 flights is a LOT of stairs, even when going down. You’re going to feel mildly contrite when you skip the gym to hang out with your boyfriend. It’s ok, you can blame Boyfriend. He won’t mind.

Today’s Weather Forecast:
Not as cold out as the temperature in your room or of the toilet seat might suggest, even though the window is wide open, letting in the outside temperature. In the afternoon, it will be sunny and bright, and you’ll have lost one of the lenses from your sunglasses in your bottomless, gigantic woman-purse-suitcase-thingy. Evening temperatures are set to rise when you see Boyfriend for the first time in several days, and then cool down almost immediately after you forget your jacket when you leave for the movies.

Work Forecast:
Your positive attitude and openness make people think they can ask you to take over a couple of their projects late on a Friday afternoon, but your hearty dose of sarcasm and some “don’t try me” body language remind them that your bite is worse than your bark. Your lucky numbers today are 5, 3, and 0! When together, they represent an escape to freedom. Based on the astral plane, it looks like you’re making tacos tonight. Congrats on an easy, yet amazingly delicious meal!

Movie Theater Forecast: Crowded, popcorn not buttery enough, the kid behind you didn’t turn off his damn cell phone, and it rings right in the middle of the biggest twist. Entire theater mutters under their breath about what a douche canoe that kid is. That kid is oblivious, but also embarrassed that everyone probably just heard his girlfriend’s ringtone, which is “Mine” by Taylor Swift. People notice, and they laugh.

Activity Forecast:
Playing pool: Mediocre, with occasional flashes of awesome just often enough to have your teammate be impressed, followed by mild disappointment and humor when you bank the yellow 2 ball off 3 rails and not hit anything else or come anywhere near the pocket. Your long shots will surprise and amaze many. Or, at the very least they will surprise and amaze you. Try to be solids, it’ll realign your chi.

At the Bar: The resident creepy old guy will assume you’re staring at him when you accidentally catch his eye while checkin’ out the scene on the dance floor. He’ll wink, and think about heading over, and you’ll immediately turn to your girls and whisper what just happened. Escape to the bar or bathroom if he decides he has a shot. Vodka is your lucky drink! Your friend’s heels are sparkly and amazing and you’ll have a momentary pang of jealousness, before you remember that you’re a dance-in-your-Converse type of gal, and that you’re also superklutzy and might die on the dance floor if you wore those hot shoes anyway.

At Karaoke: This weekend, the stars are all aligned in a random-looking but specifically amazing pattern that makes you the karaoke queen! Rock your heart out, girl. Do some Alanis, she needs the love. Rock out to the 80s, and don’t forget to do a classic all-friends rendition of something appropriately sappy, such as “Friends In Low Places.” Because your moon is in retrograde, try singing something like “Eye of the Tiger” or “We Built This City” for strong motivation.

Gym: Saturn has a buncha moons, and let’s face it, they are all in the wrong orbital planes and on a bad axis for forcing you to go to the gym after the Saturday night you’re about to have. You’re going to feel kind of guilty, and probably have good intentions about going “later today” but in the end, you’ll be at home watching Once Upon A Time when you could be complaining about jogging while actually jogging. Don’t worry, Pluto (which I will always consider a planet, no matter what THEY say) is in the right grade and you’ll be back in the gym and not feeling terribly guilty on Monday.

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