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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Following Fish and Being Followed

Swedish fish are jelly fishies full of crack. They are amazingly epic and chewy and awesome. I don’t think I have ever met anyone who was like, “What? Swedish fish? Get that crap away from me, its gelatinous floppy shape bothers me, and it tastes like deflated implants.”

No one says that because Swedish fish are great.
Found on

I know it’s weird, but I am not a big chocolate person. Boyfriend loves chocolate, my mom is all up IN chocolate’s grill, my friends all seem to like it well enough. I mean, I don’t HATE it or anything, but if given the choice, I’ll always choose my crack-fishies or twizzlers or starburst over it. What can I say? Apparently I am a fruity gal.

 I love fruit. I will eat the HECK out of some pineapple. Dang, now I wish I had some pineapple right now! Mmm, or some cantaloupe. That is such a fun word!

In other news, I think I am a figurehead of some sort. I’m not sure for what, yet. Maybe for a new religion, or a cult-like thing? I don’t know yet, but I know I’ve got followers! According to twitter, 27 people follow me like puppies and listen to the words that are coming out of my face. Well…my fingers, anyway. They’re probably hanging on my every tweet! Which could be awkward for them, seeing as how I don’t tweet that often. Is it difficult to be a minion to a leader who doesn'toften lead? Hmm…perhaps I should be giving my minions something more to see and hear and love about me? I wouldn’t be a very good religious figurehead. I bet I would make a superbadass boat figurehead, though.  

I have just been informed that "figurehead" might not be the right term for the lady on the front of a boat. Darn! I guess I will have to settle for being a pretty okay religious figurehead with a small, yet devout set of followers. But I really like boats!

But yeah, I really like Swedish fish. Those Swedes, they have a lot going for them. Cheap furniture with Swedish instructions, which thankfully include pictures, delicious meatballs, lingonberry jelly. And those crack-fish. I wish I had mailed myself a bunch of staggered envelopes full of Swedish fish, and then forgot about doing that, and then randomly received Swedish fish in the mail from myself. I’d be so excited to get the mail! The only thing that is more fun to receive in the mail is a friend, or a check. When my friends mail themselves to me, it is possibly the heaviest box I will ever get, but also the most exciting.

Unrelatedly, stamps are getting expensive these days!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Fall and Rise of Monday

I would like to go on record here as saying that I COULD HAVE easily made this entire blog post out of nothing but random pictures of adorable kitties. I have spared you from that, but only with my incredibly excellent willpower and a subtle nudge from common sense. I do like kittens, who doesn’t? But this is not a story about adorable baby animals, it is a story about Monday.
Oh, FINE. Here is one incredibly cute picture of a baby animal, to get you started. Jeez. But it is NOT A KITTEN! 
Told you it wasn't a kitty. It's EVEN BETTER!

Anyway, I have decided to use random and mostly funny pictures that the magical computer box thingy has helped my to find from ALL across the internets, to tell you a probably mostly visual story about one of my Mondays.

First, I wake up. Not happily, not easily, not always on time. But, I do wake up.

After that initial shock of having to be awake in the A.M. on purpose, I somehow get to work. On the way to work, I try to have a force field around me, so that no one talks to me. I wake up with just enough time to shower and dress. Which is about 15 minutes. So, I leave the house 15 minutes after waking up. I am not fully awake yet and I don't want anyone forcing greetings or happiness or eye contact down my throat. I imagine my ride on the train every morning looking like this:

This force field is very effective. Since I have not had my coffee, that is the first thing I do upon walking into work.

This is the smile I give my colleagues, so they don't know that I am feeling murder-y before I take the first few sips.

Then I work diligently and smack out some amazingness for my company.

Ahh, lunch. Everyone's favorite
Awww, classic Peanuts! Had to throw that one in there!

Followed by some more awesomeness and paperwork most deserving of accolades and applause and any other good "A" word that exists.
I get excited, because after working moderately hard for a few minutes right after lunch, I realize that it is now time for more COFFEE! Isn't that just great? I think so.
A bit more work...and THEN...


Monday night are the best. First workday of the week is over, I can relax and go boneless on the couch, with nary a worry in my head.  It is also my MURDER NIGHT! I love Dexter. It's recorded on Sunday for Boyfriend and I to enjoy on Mondays. Ahhh, Dexter, you slay me. Or, if you did actually slay me, it would totally be OK, because you are Dexter. :)

I love bedtime. I love sleep so very much. It's why I wake up so late in the mornings. So I can enjoy my precious sleep a few moments more. This is what I feel like when I am sleeping, and how I think I look.

Actually, this is probably closer to what I look like. Don't care, still feels great!

I bid you adieu with this adorable baby penguin. I just can't get enough of cute baby animals! SO FLIPPIN' CUTE, I JUST WANT TO PUNCH SOMETHING! (but not the baby animals.)

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Thought & Speech Bubbles of (possibly inappropriate) Stuff You Wish You Said

Having random thought and speech bubbles would be way better than bumper stickers. Don’t get me wrong, both can be snarky or sarcastic or silly or promote your beliefs. But which is more fun: yet another “my delinquent can beat up your honor student” sticker on the car in front of you that just won’t TURN OFF THE DAMN TURN SIGNAL for 7 miles, or interesting and ridiculous non permanent, interchangeable phrases on a bubble?

Also, you could glue or duct tape your thought and speech bubbles to a stick and hold them up with different phrases! I feel like this could catch on. Feel free to use one of my bubbles that I drew out, below!
I had (and still have) a big fake mustache on a stick (it’s a chopstick). This has NOT caught on, though I firmly believe it still will. I have recently been informed that my friend Megan ALSO has a mustache on a stick. This was not planned. I think I love her. When we’re both in DC in 2 weeks, we are going to celebrate our love of fake mustaches by going out for a beer with them.
Boyfriend doesn’t have a mustache, fake or otherwise. He DOES, however, have a delightful goatee that I enjoy stroking, while saying “hmmmmm…” thoughtfully. Obviously, I do this because I do not have a goatee, and everyone thinks better when villainously stroking one. Duh.

Here are some fine examples if things you might wish you had said, want to say, or are afraid to say because SOMEONE might smack you:
(in relationships)
“When you left the room, I picked my nose.”
 “That fart wasn’t the dog…”
“Oh….were you saying something?”
“What? Didn’t we just cuddle LAST night?”
“Yeah? Well, I don’t really CARE what your mom thinks!” *gasp!*

(to your parents)
“Ewwwww, this chicken tastes like a tiger sat on it after it had been left in the sun for week.”
“If by ‘cleaned my room,’ you mean ‘shoved everything in the closet,’ then YEP!”
“I will not be seen in public with you dressed like that.”
“Do I get that ring/this house/those curtains when you kick the bucket?”

(to strangers, with no repercussions)
“What? Yes…exCUSE me?!...wait…are you on Bluetooth?”
“Your hair looks like you set fire to it and tried to put it out by letting ants eat your face.”
“Yes, please just throw your garbage on the ground. Who cares if this is a clean, nice area FOR THE CHILDREN!”
“Don't stare at me while on public transportation. No exceptions. THAT MEANS YOU.”
“I hate you and all that you stand for. Nope, no specific reason why.”

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Weird But True...First Edition? I don't really know if there will be more.

Facts (and I think these are interesting! I picked them just for you!):
-No matter how hard you squeeze the 2 ends of an egg at the same time, it will never break. Have fun with that!
-1% of Germans are immune to HIV.
-If you add up the weight of all the ants in whole world, it’s equal to the weight of all the humans in the world. And ants can lift something like 20 times their body weight. (Hope they don’t mutiny against us!)
-Did you know that the reason men have nipples is because ALL fetus’s (fetii??) are female until 6-8 weeks after conception, when the Y chromosome kicks in? By 6-8 weeks, breast tissue, nipples and milk ducts are already formed. This is true for all mammals, except stallions, and only because they don’t have nipples at all. (This gives a whole new light to Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents saying “You can milk anything with nipples.”)
-Studies have shown (and MythBusters did a segment on it!) that cursing out loud helps relieve physical pain, and can raise your level of pain tolerance.
- “Q-Tip” is a brand name. The Q in Q-Tip stands for “quality.” The generic name for the product is “cotton-tipped applicator.” Originally the product was called “Baby Gays.”
-Sean Connery was originally offered the role of Gandalf in Lord of The Rings trilogy…but turned it down because he didn’t understand the story.
-Unicycler Lutz Eichholz holds a weird world record. He rode his unicycle 29 feet, 4 inches on top of beer bottles, which were held steady by a wooden railing. (He rode his UNICYCLE almost 30 feet on only beer bottles. WHY?)
-Your eye muscles move over 100,000 times a day (approximately 3 times per second). They are pretty much constantly moving, and have a special protein that keeps them from experiencing fatigue from moving so quickly and so much. The reason stuff isn’t blurry is because our minds, apparently to prepare for the eye movements before they occur, help us keep track of objects in the visual field.
- Wikipedia has banned the Church of Scientology from editing any articles. It’s the punishment for repeated and deceptive editing of over 400 articles related to Scientology.  Basically, a bunch of people from the Church of Scientology itself were using multiple accounts to silence any critics who cited opposing materials.  Wiki prides itself on being open and inclusive, but apparently enough was enough and many individual users were banned from the whole wiki site for 6 months directly because of this. (I actually laughed out loud at this!)

I have 2 states that I consider mine. Florida: the land of my youth, my family, oranges, and my loss of innocence, and New York: the land of my current residence, my boyfriend, and my enjoyment of many interesting restaurants. Here are dumb/weird laws for those 2 states.

Actual laws in the state of NY:
-It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing “body hugging clothing.” (There are a LOT of criminals near my office.) BUT another law states: Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business. (So, topless is fine, but tight clothes is TOO FAR! haha)
-Citizens may not greet each other by “putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers.” (Um…that’s actually my boss’s daily greeting.)
-It is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s head for fun.  (But it’s A-OK to do it with malicious intent, or for vengeance? DAMN YOU! *Throws ball at someone’s head* “That wasn’t FOR FUN, I wanted you in PAIN!”)
-While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door. (I actually prefer to walk into a crowded elevator, wait until it starts moving, then turn towards everyone and say “I guess you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here…” Arrest me, Dano.)

Actual laws in the state of FL:
-Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (Well…my big brother is in for a rude awakening.)
-Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. (There goes the most popular style of prom and wedding dresses, men!)
-Pregnant pigs are not to be confined to cages. (What? They’re allowed to run free just because they’re pregnant?! You don’t see me allowing my pregnant sister out of the kitchen, do you?)
-It is illegal for a doctor to ask a patient whether or not they own a gun. (Ridiculous. How else will you know which ones to tell bad news to from another room?)

Of the 2, I personally think New York has dumber laws…but I will concede that it also has a ton more people, so statistically, there are a lot more idiots in NY. I mean…just like weird rules and tags you see on things, like “Do not iron clothes while wearing them,” enough idiots did it at some point to actually require that tag!