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Friday, October 28, 2011

I Really Liked Boy Meets World & other 90s Shows

That’s ridiculous, it is not past tense. I still like Boy Meets World. I found out a couple weeks ago that there are full episodes of it on youtube! Now, when I jog on the elliptical machine at the gym, instead of plugging in to their system and watching Mythbusters or the 4 millionth episode of House Hunters, I watch old Boy Meets World episodes on my cell phone.

Dang, I love my smartphone. I am telling you, that thing is smarter than I am, for sure. It’s a calculator, a texting-machine, and a handheld Sudoku player. And that is pretty much all I used it for, before I found out I could watch TV on youtube on it. Oh, my Android, my love. 

Back in the 90s, we had an era of amazing television. Boy Meets World, Step by Step, Full House. Today, TGIF is just what people say on Facebook when they think they’re being cute and original on a Friday morning before they’ve had their coffee. In the 90s, it was a 2 hour block of TV from 8-10 on Friday nights that you’d sit down and watch with the whole family. ON PURPOSE.

And the nickelodeon shows! Ren & Stimpy, Rugrats, Recess, Double Dare. I always wished I was on Double Dare or Legends of the Hidden Temple, or even Figure It Out. That one was kind of lame, though. The kids had secret “talents” that celebrities would try to figure out by asking yes or no questions. But they weren’t talented kids! Naming all the states in alphabetical order, or biting cheese into the shape of states isn’t a talent, it’s just what kids do. Though if I remember right, there was a skinny kid who could fit his whole body through a clothes hanger. That one was pretty cool.

I swear, I feel like I would have kicked butt on GUTS and Legends of the Hidden Temple. Please, I would have blown through that temple with all parts of the statue and avoided those guards like a ninja. Probably. Maybe….ok, so I lack the proper amount of coordination for that to be too likely, but I always watched that show feeling like those other 10 year olds just had NO IDEA how to play the game.  Also, I so wish I could have gotten a piece of the Agro Crag! Glowing rock trophy? HELLS yes.

Ahh, waxing nostalgic about the past. When prices were lower, houses were worth more, music was better, and the TV shows were funnier. Perhaps I am remembering it differently than it really was. Funny, but I bet old people reminiscing about back in their day would sound similar. Prices were lower, their music was better, and the radio was the best way to listen to shows.

On a somewhat related note, I’ve don’t think I’ve ever met anyone in my entire life who didn’t know every word of the Prince of Bel-Air theme song. 
**This was NOT PLANNED. I wrote that line above, about Fresh Prince theme song, yesterday, and found this picture today. :) OccupyWillSmith!! (Click for a larger view. He is so good looking.)

Monday, October 24, 2011

A Trio of Poems on Completely Random Topics

"Lamp Of My Heart" by Jyssica Scott
I love you, O Lamp,
Giver of light.
You sit triumphantly
On the stand of night.

Underneath your
Yellow shine,
I read my books
With naked eye.

Though I was blind,
You make me see!
Once, I stubbed my toe,
Now I walk freely!

You’ve lit the path, and
You make me complete.
O Lamp, I love you,
No other can compete.

Except, perhaps, that
Keychain flashlight. For,
When the power goes out
You become useless, quite.
A Halloween Limerick:

One Halloween, a girl dressed as Pac-Man,
But her friends all said it was whack, man.
She said, I’ll just go slutty,
And so did her buddy,
So, dressed in cold air and giggles, they ran.*

*Shoutout to Megan Bonnell, who provided the perfect last line to the limerick! Holla! :)
"The End of Cool" by Jyssica Scott
Oh, LOL.

Oh, certain dance moves!
Oh, skater shoes.
Oh, bangle bracelets.
I’ll miss you all,
Individually and as a whole.
It was fun while it lasted!

We had a great run,
I thought you might stay,
But, our times together
Have all come to pass.

Once, we would play
And laugh and run,
Now you’re nothing
But a footnote in cool history.

I heard my mom say “LMAO”
Yesterday, and it broke my heart.
To know that it has now joined the
Uncool graveyard.

Just like all the other things
Parents do to be “hip.”
Like, the word “hip.”
See how they ruined that?

Or how about flare-leg jeans?
And comfy converse sneakers,
I see them on parents all the time.
And they don’t even call them chucks!

Oh, Macarena.
I don’t think you were ever really cool.
But the parents took away any tiny
Chance you might have had.
Oh, UGG boots.
I never liked you anyway,
But a ton of people did, and
Now the baby boomers wear them.
So, if you love something now
Don’t get too attached,
Sooner or later,
Your parents will do or say it.
And that is totally the
End of Cool as we know it.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Who Doesn't Love Getting Presents In The Mail?

On a Russian Mail-Order Bride website FAQ:
“Do not call her a mail-order bride.” Yes, that makes sense. Do not call your new wife a hooker. GOT IT. Step one, complete.
On the other hand, that’s what she IS. How else would you describe her sometimes? Perfect example: Guys are pretty oblivious. Let’s say you got a mail order bride, you brought her over maybe 4 months ago. Now, you’re out hanging with your best friend. He says, “Hey. So, who’s that chick that I’ve kinda noticed seems to be at your place a lot?” “Well, my incredibly observant friend, that would be my live-in mail-order bride. She’s Russian. There’s a language barrier, but hotness overrides any conversation.” “DUDE!” *high five*
And that would likely be the sum total of conversations ever to be had about that.
Mail-Order brides: a pricey contractual obligation to “love,” honor, and cherish a complete stranger, who now lives with you, gets a green card, shares your life and room, and touches all your stuff.
Oh, no. How annoying would it be for someone to just touch all your stuff? And move it the hell around! That would drive my minor OCD absolutely INSANE. What if she breaks something? With the language barrier, how would you even let her know that what she did was wrong? Slap her hand like a small child? A time out? Rubbing her nose in it and repeating “no!”?
A mail-order bride would be a fun gift, though. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Tommy! Open mine first!” Tommy: “Yay!!! Presents! *rip rip tear* It’s…a dead blonde? Um..thanks?” You: “Crap. I knew I should have put in air holes.”
Or, if she lives through the gift-wrap experience, Tommy might be a bit more excited. “A chick! You got me a blonde? Who only speaks Russian?! And you’ve obligated me to marry her and live with her for a minimum of one year? Screw Maryann, she was bringing me down, anyway.  You know me so well, brosef.”
Just remember to include instructions with the gift: This mail-order bride must be fed, watered, walked, and occasionally looked at to maintain her outward appearance and inner will to stay with you and alive (both are necessary for complete enjoyment of M-OB). Do not burn, eat, shoot at, or scream at this bride, as this may result in voiding of the warranty. Warranty only covers accidental damage, but does not include any water/liquid damage that you may incur. Please refrain from stabbing or puncturing your bride, contents may be under extreme pressure. Do not microwave, broil, marinate, grill, flambĂ©, or  pickle your bride.
No exchanges. Don’t come crying to me when you don’t like her anymore, that’s not included in the warranty, chucklehead.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Where is my book deal, Random House?

How does one become famous with a blog? Don’t think I haven’t noticed that there are blogs out there that have become super popular and gotten book deals and stuff.  I’m just saying, I am up to what, 11, maybe 12 posts now? I should totally be famous. I have not yet reached my blog-pinnacle.

I mean, obviously I am hilarious. That’s how this works. If you HAVE a blog, you automatically are super hilarious. Causing hilarity and guffaws wherever you go. Chuckles, even. Sometimes giggles, but I’ll admit that I find giggling annoying, and I associate it in my mind with boy-crazy 13 year old girls, who should still be thinking about toys and stuff and not boys, and have you noticed that kids are having sex younger and younger and even getting pregnant super young? Have they never heard of condoms? I mean, if you think you’re old enough for the emotional and physical step of sex, then perhaps you should be old enough to walk into any of the 17 gazillion drugstores in every town and buy a box of condoms. Condoms are kind of expensive, but babies are way MORE expensive, and that ass-whooping I’ll give my kid who tries this stuff will hurt a lot more than the minor embarrassment of buying them in a store.
Because that is the kind of BS excuse I see on stuff like MTVs 16 and Pregnant. “I was too embarrassed to buy condoms.” Really? Guess that embarrassment didn’t extend to not going on national TV and discussing it.

And stop being such idiots. There are so many ways to get the information. It’s not like you didn’t know that pregnancy and STDs were a possibility. And if a guy (or girl!) ever tells you that you have to have sex with them to “prove your love” or some such crap, then they are totally playing you and you need to have a bit more self-respect to let them know that if they really loved you, they’d be willing to wait ‘til you felt ready and comfortable making that step.

Whoa! That was a tangent if I’ve ever seen one!  OK, so back to my not-yet-famous-ness. I am going to concede that not that many people know about my blog yet, so maybe I just need to wait a few more weeks. Hmm…my sister finally admitted I’m funny. It’s a win, trust me. I always joke around and tell my brothers and sister: “Don’t forget, I’m awesome and funny!” And the typical response is: “How can I forget if you’re always reminding me??” So true, Confucius.
I promise if I get book-level famous, which is actually the level I WANT, not actual famous with people knowing who I am, then I swear I will put at last half to 2/3 new material in the book and not just recycled entries. This is a ridiculous promise. I have all of about 7 people that read my blog right now. Lol!! This entertains me.

Other things that entertain me (not a complete list by a long shot): my guilty pleasure tabloid magazines (shut UP.), my best friends, people who freak out in a light misting rain, penguins, sea otters, complaining about the inherent false advertising of the koala bear (THEY ARE ADORABLE LIARS!), youtube, Boy Meets World, funny poems, stickers, mail-order brides, and old people.