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Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Worst. Diet. Ever.

2 weeks ago, I had to have some dental work done 2 days in a row. Left with a sore jaw and a pocket full of whining, I was on a liquid diet for a couple of days. Soups, smoothies and soft oatmeal were my meal plan, and then it was back to life as normal.

Approximately 4 days after the dental work, I had full blown bronchitis and a cold on top of it that showed up 2 days later. Aside from the hideous cough and chest soreness, I also had a raging head cold that alternately stopped up my nose of turned it into a lovely snot-faucet water feature on my face.

Back to soups! I don’t eat that much soup in my regular life, and now I was on an all-soup all-the-time diet. Interspersed with the occasional tea, which I hate. I was on steroid pills, my inhaler, and a z-pack, and was still sick as a dog for a full week!

My husband was sweet and let me complain about feeling terrible and having to eat so much soup, but then he was felled by the same horrid head cold and we are now on Day 5 of his sickness.

Trust me, you probably don’t want to come to our house right now!

Basically, we’ve been a soup-heavy home for almost 2 weeks. And I have lost about 6 pounds due to the lack of appetite, soup diet, and probably burning tons of calories complaining about it all.

It’s been over 2 weeks since I’ve been to the gym, and I’ve felt weak and sick and useless. I HAVE GOT to go back to the gym!

I’m basically all better. I have a lingering cough and a slight drippy nose, but I’m pretty much back to normal, and I have got to get out of the house and back to the gym.

The biggest negative is that I am now out of my gym habit, and it’s going to be a bit of a chore to get back into the swing of things.

On the one hand, yay me for losing a few pounds. On the other hand, boo me for losing needed nutrients and probably some muscle mass.

Don’t try this new diet! People are dropping like flies around me. Everyone is sick. There are at least 4 or 5 people out of the office today sick, and last week it was even more than that. One guy had the flu so badly that he had to go to the ER and had a fever for 4 days. Dude started out skinny and has noticeably lost weight.

This fluctuating weather is murdering my immune system. Please be aware! Get a flu shot if you haven’t. Wash your hands more often.

Don’t boop sick people on the nose. Try not to breathe near people. Attempt to squirt hand sanitizer on people as they walk by your cubicle. Build an impenetrable cubicle fort that seals out germs. 

Instead of shaking hands, encourage people to do the head nod of acknowledgement that we do to strangers on the street we accidentally make eye contact with. Attempt to get rid of all of your friends. Build a blanket fort and don't let your husband and his gross germs in. Wash your cat vigorously after he cuddles near your husband's head. 

In a professional setting, disregard closed-door meetings and try just emailing important information from a safe distance of at least 25 feet. If they insist on talking out loud, go outside, go around the corner, and call them from your cell phone. 

Carry a spray bottle with you at all times and spritz germ-carriers if they get within a few feet of you. They won't like it, but they will learn. 

And for god’s sake, if you are sick, don’t sit next to me on the train, don’t try to touch me, and back the hell away from personal bubble. I’ve had plenty of soup and have ZERO DESIRE for more hot soup any time in the next year.

Monday, March 14, 2016

What I Thought Marriage Was Like at 13

When I was in middle school, I imagined what it would be like to have a boyfriend. In my head, having a relationship was flowers and romance and kissing in the rain, and funny mishaps that always get worked out, and holding hands and always going somewhere fancy.

Marriage was foot rubs and backrubs and cooking fancy food together, still holding hands, lots of babies, and waking up every day and looking over at the one you love, and having warm fuzzy feelings, and being all adult-y. Traveling the world, flying first class, and maybe a nanny?

Never once did I think of adulthood as a constant “I wonder how much is in my checking account? I should check that. Umm...I’ll check that later. Oh shit, did I pay the gas bill?”

Marriage is sweatpants and perfect boring weekends, talking about work, arguing over what to get for dinner, becoming part of a whole second family that does things totally differently from your first family, and you already had them all figured out and now there’s a whole new family and traditions to learn and do and schedule.

Loving someone doesn’t mean they don’t annoy you. I can love the crap out of Husband and still want to flick him in the nose when he falls asleep instantly and I cannot seem to fall asleep to save my life, or when he gloats obnoxiously when he wins board and card games.

Marriage is arguing over whose turn it is to feed the cat, getting into (respectful, not mean) political debates, laughing at each other’s farts, and singing in the car to your favorite band.

I had some sort of rom-com, sitcom type of view of adulthood and marriage.

Now I live an actual life of a married adult, and it’s exactly what it should be: chaotic at times, silly, easy, complicated, fun, sometimes boring, playful, joking, scary, and calming.

Basically it’s life, but with someone who knows you really really well and still wants to stick around and hang out every day with no specific plans in place. It’s like a best friend you can kiss whenever you want, forever.