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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Watching the Oscars for the First Time.

So, last weekend for the first time in my life, I watched the Oscars. Of course, I didn’t watch all the crap leading up to it, as I don’t care who wore what and more importantly, Chopped was on.

Boyfriend had a couple of guy friends over, and they were talking about Seth MacFarlane, and we all think he’s funny, so we switched it on for at least the opening monologue. And ended up leaving it on all night.

Let me reiterate: I was there. But I was the ONLY girl there. And don’t even think about letting them tell you it was all me watching the Oscars.

The “We Saw Your Boobs” song was funny (If you missed it, watch it here!). I don’t get why some people are getting all offended by it in real life. First off, he didn’t sing about YOUR boobs. Secondly, all the ones he mentioned are legitimate celebrity-boob-sightings, and thirdly, it’s not like he filmed their boobs and showed it to people. The actresses chose to strips down in the movies. And it was FUNNY. Grow a humerus, people.
Actually, the whole thing was pretty entertaining. Boyfriend and I go see most new movies (Damn right, new Die Hard! I love you, Bruce Willis! You’re the old, white, bald action hero of my dreams!), and so we’d actually seen a good maybe 80% of the movies that were nominated, which was kinda cool.

And how amazing is the name “Quvenzhane”? So, so amazeballs. I’ve been using the word “amazeballs” more than usual lately. I’m not really sure why, I just find it fun to say.

One thing I don’t get: all the hate on Anne Hathaway. Come on, people! The Princess Diaries? Ella Enchanted? EXACTLY. She’s rad and she can sing. Suck it up, Buttercup, I think she’s great.

But not as great as Jennifer Lawrence, whom I also love. Go HERE and read some of her funniest and best quotes, and I know you’ll agree. She’s the kind of girl I’d love to hang out with, maybe go drinking and to a casino. Or for margaritas and nachos. Because come on, everyone loves margaritas and nachos. Also, she flipped the bird to the press at the Oscars because one of them made a snarky remark about trying not to fall next time. The look on her face? Priceless.
The one finger salute...
...Realizing she's in a room full of press at the Oscars.
Also, I really liked the Hunger Games books and she’s done a good job so far not making Katniss terrible. Jennifer Lawrence, if you’re reading this, you wanna come over to my place for beer and wine and some full-contact Trivial Pursuit? Perhaps some Taboo or Cranium, if we want to get really crazy.

Anyway, I sat around for a few hours watching the Oscars with 3 dudes, while playing a puzzle game on a tablet thingy. We had some fun colorful commentary. I do think Ben Affleck should have been nominated more for Argo. That movie was great. One of the few dramas I saw. (I am usually much more into comedies and action. I like some drama, but I rarely-to-never watch horror movies. I get too into them and get freaked out.)

Speaking of movies, I saw the new Die Hard (what is it, the 17th?) last weekend. It was awesome. Oh, sigh, Bruce Willis, I love you and your bald shiny head (other shiny bald-headed guys I like include Tom Colicchio [I met him!!] and Patrick Stewart [sadly, I’ve not met him]). I don’t know how many more times Willis can be McClane before he is too old to run from explosions, but I am not-so-secretly hoping for at least one more! Other action stars who may be getting a little old for grabbing onto the bottom of helicopters and hanging off of them before shooting them down and falling to safety: Stallone (and if you’re reading this, my mother can quote all the Rambos! And I ran up the Rocky steps in Philly!), Clint Eastwood (though I love you, you’re like 80!), Harrison Ford (come on, you know the dude is old), and others. So sad.


Don’t get me wrong, I love them all. But at some point, someone needs to stand up and say “Hey, man. I can’t be ninja-rolling on cars and jumping off the roof all day. Imma break a hip or somethin’.”

Though now that I think about it, a race consisting of only old guys ninja-rolling around and shooting at stuff would be pretty awesome. Survivor: Aging Badasses. WHO WILL GET THE ROSE? Wait. Wrong show? Is this the one where they vote each other off the island? Okay then. I want to place my vote to be allowed ON the island. When I was little, I wanted to be a Bat Boy at major league baseball games. Since that particular dream didn’t come true, and I am also not a boy, I think that I should be allowed to be the person who runs around to all the Badasses in this competition and give them schedules and run errands and stuff. Maybe even judge the competition. I have many skills!

I can see the ad for it in my head right now: They've saved the world. They've hunted the bad guys. And now...they are...IN IT TO WIN IT! Watch Chuck Norris try to roundhouse the competition in Survivor: Aging Badasses! This summer on FOX!

(If anyone at Fox uses that at some point, I demand payment! This blog is timestamped!)

Anyway, I feel like the Oscars were fun, in their own way. They certainly aren't the Tonys. I mean...they had Neil Patrick Harris! And musical numbers every 5 minutes. But I loved the Joseph Gordon Levitt-Harry Potter dance, and the other dancing numbers near the beginning. That was very cool. The Shatner bit was super cheesy, though!

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Skyentists and Internauts.

I saw something online once that said “Someone really missed the boat, when not naming ‘astronauts’ skyentists."

That. Is. AMAZING. I wish anything in my life were even half as rad as the word “SKYENTIST.”

When I was younger, I wanted to be an astrophysicist. Nowadays, I’m lucky I can spell it without red squiggles appearing under it. I did, though. I have always been fascinated by space and astronomy and the search for life on other planets. I am still intrigued by it. If I thought I could pass the physical exam (I can’t), I would have loved to be an astronaut. And now, I only wish I could work for NASA. I even went to Space Camp in the 7th grade!

I have a cousin who works for NASA in Houston. I am jealous of his job with many of the breaths that come from my body. Not ALL of the breaths I have. I mean, he’s still a boy. And remember, one of the laws of the universe is that Girls Rule, Boys Drool. Duh.

This may seem off topic, but it isn’t: The French word for “an internet user” is “un internaute.” INTERNAUT. I am a French astronaut of the interwebz! Fear me and my floaty astronaut online powers!

The internet is a magical, magical place. When I was a kid, I was fascinated by the Encyclopedia. We had a full set of Encyclopedia Britannica. Also, I read the Encyclopedia Brown children’s books (and so started my lifelong enjoyment of reading about people solving mysteries and crimes. Oh, Sherlock. I love you in all your different forms. Though, the BBC version is currently the top of my list. WILL THERE EVER BE A 3RD SERIES?).

So, I thought these huge leather bound encyclopedias were awesome. Filled with much of the knowledge in the known universe. I used it for school reports and looking up interesting tidbits about things from Alaska to Zionism.

This lasted until Encarta.

Which lasted until Google.

Google estimates that the Internet today contains about 5 million terabytes of data (1TB = 1,000GB), and claims it has only indexed a paltry 0.04% of it all (#9 on this list, which was, unfortunately, written in 2010, so possibly a bit off on the numbers at this point). Can you believe that? POINT ZERO FOUR PERCENT of the entire internet is indexed and searchable!

It really is amazing the sheer amount of information we have at our fingertips at any given time. Of course, I use it mostly for Facebook and cute fluffy baby animal pictures.
The point here is that I have always loved space. I wish I was a skyentist! But perhaps I can console myself with the knowledge that at least I am an internaut. 

And now, I present to you: Adventures of The Internaut! It's a little comic I just drew!! Enjoy :)

Our intrepid Internaut is just hanging around, chillin' in space.
He comes upon a door.
Adventurers always open mysterious doors.

He is sucked into the Internet!

He searches and friends and plays. And explores!

Suddenly, he is ripped back out!
His mom is calling him down to dinner!

Our intrepid explorer is back out in space.

Until next time!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

How To: Attract A Mate

Just in time for the sappiest non-holiday of the year, I present to you TIPS ON FINDING A MATE! We all know that Valentine’s Day is not a big deal. For one thing, you are either single or you aren’t. And spoiler alert, that's true the day after, too.

Personally, I have never taken V-Day too seriously. I mean, yeah, it can be a good excuse to have a date night with your significant other, maybe have steak that night instead of chicken, but I just don’t think it should be the be-all, end-all in a relationship. I am definitely not ANTI-arg-I-hate-you Valentines. I just am not "Oooooh I love you so much I am going to buy you 17 heart shaped balloons and a box of chocolates and wear high heels for you!" (This chick wears high heels for VERY FEW PEOPLE.)

I didn’t have a boyfriend on Valentine’s until college. And I didn’t really care. Instead of bashing on couples or screaming about how all men are big ol’ jerkfaces who wouldn’t recognize brilliance if it slapped them with a pancake, I just hung out with my friends like any other day. And once I did find myself a Valentine, I enjoyed him all the time, not just on sappy romance-y flowery holidays.

(I google image-searched for "Slap with a pancake" and no acceptable images came up. I didn't see a SINGLE image of someone being slapped with a pancake all duel-style. There were, however, pictures of Oprah and also bunny rabbits each with a pancake on their heads. We live in a weird, weird world.) 

And as for people who DO make it into a huge thing in their relationship, I just don’t get it. But to each their own!
Which brings me to my advice on how to attract a mate!

How to: Win a woman’s heart:
1. Walk around like a penguin. Here is a fact about penguins: Penguins are always in formalwear. That’s why they always get invited to the good parties, because they’re always dressed appropriately. Take a hint. To impress your ladyfriend, you should dress in a tuxedo, put your hand out to your sides, and *wakka wakka* and shuffle around.

Because that is hella sexy.

2. Remember the peacocks. Peacocks have brightly colored plumage that is for attracting a mate. Wear bright colors, stand out. And strut like a peacock. Have you SEEN those magnificent creatures?

3. Let your inner mushball free. As dudes, you may have been told that guys are MANLY! RAWR! And that no weakness is allowed in! But let me tell you, every guy I have ever known is a mushy ball of softy wrapped in manly flesh. And you know what? I am a girl and I know other girls, and we pretty much all agree that we love guys who cuddle, who can sit through a romantic comedy with the least amount of complaints, and who knows when it is time to stop doing chin-ups and cook dinner together.

4. Dance. I know, I know, you think you look like a flailing monkey having a seizure on the dance floor. I get it, we can’t all be Lord of the Dance, and really, why would you want to? I’m not saying you should be the best breakdancer at the Waffle House, I am saying, you are probably into music, and you probably have at least some rhythm. Get into it. Shuffle your feet, clap or snap, shimmy your shoulders. Just enjoy it. Remember, no one cares what you look like on the dance floor, they are all too concerned with how they look to worry about you. And dancing shows a certain amount of confidence in yourself....also sexy!

It's not unusual...!
***5. Remember names! Nothing is less sexy than when you’re flirting with someone and you go to exchange numbers and then they do that horribly-obvious-but-they-think-it’s-stealthy move of “Oh, do you spell your name?” Because they have totally forgotten it. And you know you feel like a huge idiot when she’s like “Uhh...E-M-M-A........."

This one is not only for guys. Ladies, admit it! We have ALL done this, we’ve ALL felt like idiots, and then we suck it up, save it as “Redhead guy from Market Pub” and hope that is enough of a trigger for when we’re sober.***

LADIES! Now it is your turn. Tips for attracting a date-worthy dude. Because you all already know how to find one for just the moment. :) It’s part of our charm.

1. Be yourself! Stop trying to be the girls in Cosmo, or the movies, or Zooey Deschanel (MAN, she annoys me). Don’t read articles and try to be what you think guys want. Trust me, we are all idiots, guys and girls alike. Be YOURSELF. Would you really want to be in a relationship with someone you can’t be completely normal and boring in, like Saturday morning sweatpants-and-frosted-flakes-and-cartoons self? NOPE. Besides, think of how exhausting it would be to have to remember all that stuff all the time!

2. Remember the peacock! Damn, they are so magnificent.
3. Embrace your quirks. I admit it, I am a weirdo. But I am a cute weirdo who knows all my own weirdness. Don’t hide your weird stuff. You can’t tamp that down, and be normal for some stretch of time, and then one day, a few months later, you’re sitting down to a nice meal with this person you really like, and you’re saying “So, how was your day, dear?” And all of a sudden, your head explodes and all your weirdness and quirks come raining down like crazy-magma from a volcano, completely obliterating the shocked and horrified faces of the villagers below and encasing everything in ash.

And now, instead of finding out how his day went, you’re running around alphabetizing his books, reorganizing his closet by color, squeezing out the sponge because WHO JUST LEAVES IT WET IN THE SINK?, and turning the toilet paper roll over, because EVERYONE knows it should go ‘over’ and not ‘under’ because only heathens and psychos and people you hate leave it going the wrong way!

And so all your crazy bursts out in one gigantic ball of crazypants, instead of in small doses, which are better for digestion.

4. Be into stuff. Have hobbies and interests of your own and something that you’re passionate about. Guys find your passion awesome. If you are really passionate about your job, or a dream you have, or for kids or animals or something, share that. Same goes for the men. Be passionate about something (other than each other!). That passion and the obvious caring for something is very sexy and it just makes me want to know more about you and the thing you love.

Well, there you have it. You get all this amazing advice for just one low price! You lucky sons of a mother!

I hope maybe I answered some questions here. Yes, penguins are awesome and we should discuss penguins more often and I wish I owned a pet penguin that would sit on my lap and love me and snuggle with me and allow me to put a tiny penguin harness on it and take it for walks in Brooklyn, especially in the winter, and we could even go sledding together!
This could be my life. If only!
Where was I? Oh...yes. So, dance like no one is watching, sing like you’re in the shower, and laugh like you totally got the joke. :)

Monday, February 4, 2013

Confession: I Didn't Watch the Superbowl. But I Love Music!

I might be one of the few people who didn’t watch even a teensy little bit of the Super Bowl this year. There! I said it! And let the judgement begin.

It’s weird, really. I like football, I am into sports in general (though I am far more passionate about baseball), and I come from the South, where football is basically a religion. Basically, the trifecta of sports-ness.

And yet, this year I didn’t care about either of the teams playing, and am only bummed that I didn’t tune in for the Destiny’s Child halftime show, or the blackout. I suppose that is what Youtube is for!

Don’t worry, though. Simply by reading through my Facebook feed, I was treated to a play-by-play of the entire game and halftime show and commercials.

When I was 14, I went to my first real concert with 3 girlfriends in my Freshman class at high school. It was put on by MTV, and featured Destiny’s Child, TLC, and 3LW (does anyone remember that last group?)

I was 14 in 2000, if this gives you any clue as to how the people were clothed. It wasn’t the hammer-pants era, it wasn’t the 90’s plaid-short-sleeve-button-down-over-white-t-shirt era, either. These performers were lame. I wish I knew how to type the accent over the e, so that it didn’t seem like I was just calling the color gold lame and silly.
Anyway, Destiny’s Child always had those matching-yet-not-matching little outfits, and these were bright gold, and short. If I remember right, 3LW was wearing frayed one-strap overalls. Which we ALL can agree will never truly go out of style.

We were 4 14-year-olds out for a night on the town in Orlando, Florida. And I’m not going to lie, we felt pretty badass, in the arena by ourselves, dancing to the bands and singing along. Less badass was being dropped off and picked up by our parents, in a minivan. But what can you do? How else are a pack of broke Freshman supposed to get to the next city over?

It was actually the following summer that I upped my concert-cool-cred by attending Warped Tour for the first time. Ahhh, Warped Tour. Tons of great music, a lot of idiot kids, fun dancing, ridiculous prices to buy bottled water, and port-a-potties.

There are few things in life more fun than Warped Tour at age 15.

I may have gotten older since then, but my taste hasn’t changed much. I still love Something Corporate and Green Day, I still think overalls are pretty rad and deserve more credit than they receive, and I still get nostalgic thinking of the groups of the 90’s.

Destiny’s Child, I am pretty sad that I missed your reunion, and I am glad to see you still went with matching outfits. One reunion I DID NOT MISS, was the Spice Girls. I maybe watched all of half an event at the Olympics last year, but I saw the whole Spice Girls reunion at the closing ceremonies. I kept switching back and forth on TV from Big Bang Theory to the Olympics in order to catch it!, tell me what you want, what you really really want!

Music is such a huge part of our lives. Everyone knows what was most popular when they were 14, whether you liked it or not. Everyone remembers their first concert. That awe of watching someone who’s CD’s you’ve heard about a million times, standing in front of you, playing their music live, and you being almost close enough to touch.

Personally, I love live music. I love getting lost in it, and dancing, and singing along, and feeling the press of bodies around you who are all feeling the same way. One of the best concerts I have ever been to was the Red Hot Chili Peppers, in Orlando. It was an amazing and fun show, I was there with one of my best friends, AND we were served beer, even though we were 19 at the time. Winning all around!

Katie was one of my best friends in college, and we were both music nuts. Being from the North (Ohio), she had a surprising affection for country music, while I have always preferred classic rock and current punk rock. We shared the love of live music, and bought each other concert tickets for every birthday and Christmas for the 4 years we lived together. Together, we have seen Bruce Springsteen, Brad Paisley, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Taylor Swift. You can see our differing tastes! But oh, it was so much fun together. Music up, windows down, road trips to the concert halls.
One of our many car pics during our road trips.
This is Petey, my drummer friend! Love him!
Live music is infectious. One of my other best friends in college, Peter, was the drummer for a band called the Rooze, a local band in Gainesville. They were really great, and regularly got gigs at bars around town. And there was a group of about 4 of us girls, who were all good friends with each other and the guys in the band, and we’d go to almost all their shows. To support them, to be with our friends, and mostly: to DANCE.

It’s hard to explain this accurately with only words as the medium, and not a video for reference, but they way Lauren, Jessi, Caroline, and I would dance was this funny way of being together but not really together. We were NEAR each other! We were all dancing, but not dancing together as girls often do, holding hands or swaying together, or looking at each other. Mostly, we would all flail and dance in our own little worlds, in our own little space, but near each other, and all feeling the music. And not just for the Rooze. We went and saw tons of local bands in bars around Gainesville. Most notably, Sublime and Beatles tribute bands, which were always hella fun, and The Righteous Kind, a local kind of hippie band that rocked!
This is 3 of the 4 of us, and one stranger, at a Righteous Kind show.

Ahh! Here is our 4th! We do so love karaoke!
I even saw MC Chris (he raps the very rad Boba Fett’s Vette song in his high-pitched voice) at a small bar on the other side of town, and once, a metal band with a guy I was dating. That one was very fun, as I am not a metal fan, but I will get into any kind of live music. There was a mosh pit that took up almost all of the smallish 20 x 30 space, packed with the bodies of long-haired men all trying to shove each other straight into walls. Actually, while I was dancing and had gotten separated from the guy, a very nice, incredibly large man that was standing near me actually helped shield me from the mosh pit. There I am, dancing in my own little world and rocking out, and whenever the moshers got too close and were starting to shove me back, into people, or walls, or draw me into the craziness, this large, nice dude, would simply stick out one beefy arm to hold back the crowd and protect me from flailing fists, legs, and hair.

I’m telling you, people. Trusting others and being nice, and expecting niceness in return...99.9% of the time, it really does happen.

My love affair with music will continue on! Live music, whether it is concerts, shows in a local bar, or musicals on Broadway, will always fascinate and amaze me, and make me grab my dancing shoes (they’re Converse, of course) and wade into the crowd. If you’re in New York, and you see a slightly uncoordinated Jewish white girl flailing about in her own bubble of happiness and singing along to band onstage, while holding a Bud Light in one hand and a lighter in the’s probably me.

...don’t get too close to the flailing! I am not responsible for injuries other than my own! And even those that are my own, I often feel like those walls and door jambs just JUMP OUT AT ME! Attacking in the night! And the day. And also, they move when I blink. Don’t let them convince you otherwise, those walls are evil!