How To: Attract A Mate

Just in time for the sappiest non-holiday of the year, I present to you TIPS ON FINDING A MATE! We all know that Valentine’s Day is not a big deal. For one thing, you are either single or you aren’t. And spoiler alert, that's true the day after, too.

Personally, I have never taken V-Day too seriously. I mean, yeah, it can be a good excuse to have a date night with your significant other, maybe have steak that night instead of chicken, but I just don’t think it should be the be-all, end-all in a relationship. I am definitely not ANTI-arg-I-hate-you Valentines. I just am not "Oooooh I love you so much I am going to buy you 17 heart shaped balloons and a box of chocolates and wear high heels for you!" (This chick wears high heels for VERY FEW PEOPLE.)

I didn’t have a boyfriend on Valentine’s until college. And I didn’t really care. Instead of bashing on couples or screaming about how all men are big ol’ jerkfaces who wouldn’t recognize brilliance if it slapped them with a pancake, I just hung out with my friends like any other day. And once I did find myself a Valentine, I enjoyed him all the time, not just on sappy romance-y flowery holidays.

(I google image-searched for "Slap with a pancake" and no acceptable images came up. I didn't see a SINGLE image of someone being slapped with a pancake all duel-style. There were, however, pictures of Oprah and also bunny rabbits each with a pancake on their heads. We live in a weird, weird world.) 

And as for people who DO make it into a huge thing in their relationship, I just don’t get it. But to each their own!
 
Which brings me to my advice on how to attract a mate!

How to: Win a woman’s heart:
1. Walk around like a penguin. Here is a fact about penguins: Penguins are always in formalwear. That’s why they always get invited to the good parties, because they’re always dressed appropriately. Take a hint. To impress your ladyfriend, you should dress in a tuxedo, put your hand out to your sides, and *wakka wakka* and shuffle around.

Because that is hella sexy.

2. Remember the peacocks. Peacocks have brightly colored plumage that is for attracting a mate. Wear bright colors, stand out. And strut like a peacock. Have you SEEN those magnificent creatures?

3. Let your inner mushball free. As dudes, you may have been told that guys are MANLY! RAWR! And that no weakness is allowed in! But let me tell you, every guy I have ever known is a mushy ball of softy wrapped in manly flesh. And you know what? I am a girl and I know other girls, and we pretty much all agree that we love guys who cuddle, who can sit through a romantic comedy with the least amount of complaints, and who knows when it is time to stop doing chin-ups and cook dinner together.

4. Dance. I know, I know, you think you look like a flailing monkey having a seizure on the dance floor. I get it, we can’t all be Lord of the Dance, and really, why would you want to? I’m not saying you should be the best breakdancer at the Waffle House, I am saying, you are probably into music, and you probably have at least some rhythm. Get into it. Shuffle your feet, clap or snap, shimmy your shoulders. Just enjoy it. Remember, no one cares what you look like on the dance floor, they are all too concerned with how they look to worry about you. And dancing shows a certain amount of confidence in yourself....also sexy!

It's not unusual...!

***5. Remember names! Nothing is less sexy than when you’re flirting with someone and you go to exchange numbers and then they do that horribly-obvious-but-they-think-it’s-stealthy move of “Oh, um...how do you spell your name?” Because they have totally forgotten it. And you know you feel like a huge idiot when she’s like “Uhh...E-M-M-A........."

This one is not only for guys. Ladies, admit it! We have ALL done this, we’ve ALL felt like idiots, and then we suck it up, save it as “Redhead guy from Market Pub” and hope that is enough of a trigger for when we’re sober.***


LADIES! Now it is your turn. Tips for attracting a date-worthy dude. Because you all already know how to find one for just the moment. :) It’s part of our charm.

1. Be yourself! Stop trying to be the girls in Cosmo, or the movies, or Zooey Deschanel (MAN, she annoys me). Don’t read articles and try to be what you think guys want. Trust me, we are all idiots, guys and girls alike. Be YOURSELF. Would you really want to be in a relationship with someone you can’t be completely normal and boring in, like Saturday morning sweatpants-and-frosted-flakes-and-cartoons self? NOPE. Besides, think of how exhausting it would be to have to remember all that stuff all the time!

2. Remember the peacock! Damn, they are so magnificent.

3. Embrace your quirks. I admit it, I am a weirdo. But I am a cute weirdo who knows all my own weirdness. Don’t hide your weird stuff. You can’t tamp that down, and be normal for some stretch of time, and then one day, a few months later, you’re sitting down to a nice meal with this person you really like, and you’re saying “So, how was your day, dear?” And all of a sudden, your head explodes and all your weirdness and quirks come raining down like crazy-magma from a volcano, completely obliterating the shocked and horrified faces of the villagers below and encasing everything in ash.

And now, instead of finding out how his day went, you’re running around alphabetizing his books, reorganizing his closet by color, squeezing out the sponge because WHO JUST LEAVES IT WET IN THE SINK?, and turning the toilet paper roll over, because EVERYONE knows it should go ‘over’ and not ‘under’ because only heathens and psychos and people you hate leave it going the wrong way!

And so all your crazy bursts out in one gigantic ball of crazypants, instead of in small doses, which are better for digestion.

4. Be into stuff. Have hobbies and interests of your own and something that you’re passionate about. Guys find your passion awesome. If you are really passionate about your job, or a dream you have, or for kids or animals or something, share that. Same goes for the men. Be passionate about something (other than each other!). That passion and the obvious caring for something is very sexy and it just makes me want to know more about you and the thing you love.

Well, there you have it. You get all this amazing advice for just one low price! You lucky sons of a mother!

I hope maybe I answered some questions here. Yes, penguins are awesome and we should discuss penguins more often and I wish I owned a pet penguin that would sit on my lap and love me and snuggle with me and allow me to put a tiny penguin harness on it and take it for walks in Brooklyn, especially in the winter, and we could even go sledding together!

This could be my life. If only!

Where was I? Oh...yes. So, dance like no one is watching, sing like you’re in the shower, and laugh like you totally got the joke. :)