Who Doesn't Love Getting Presents In The Mail?

On a Russian Mail-Order Bride website FAQ:

“Do not call her a mail-order bride.” Yes, that makes sense. Do not call your new wife a hooker. GOT IT. Step one, complete.

On the other hand, that’s what she IS. How else would you describe her sometimes? Perfect example: Guys are pretty oblivious. Let’s say you got a mail order bride, you brought her over maybe 4 months ago. Now, you’re out hanging with your best friend. He says, “Hey. So, who’s that chick that I’ve kinda noticed seems to be at your place a lot?” “Well, my incredibly observant friend, that would be my live-in mail-order bride. She’s Russian. There’s a language barrier, but hotness overrides any conversation.” “DUDE!” *high five*

And that would likely be the sum total of conversations ever to be had about that.

Mail-Order brides: a pricey contractual obligation to “love,” honor, and cherish a complete stranger, who now lives with you, gets a green card, shares your life and room, and touches all your stuff.

Oh, no. How annoying would it be for someone to just touch all your stuff? And move it the hell around! That would drive my minor OCD absolutely INSANE. What if she breaks something? With the language barrier, how would you even let her know that what she did was wrong? Slap her hand like a small child? A time out? Rubbing her nose in it and repeating “no!”?

A mail-order bride would be a fun gift, though. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Tommy! Open mine first!” Tommy: “Yay!!! Presents! *rip rip tear* It’s…a dead blonde? Um..thanks?” You: “Crap. I knew I should have put in air holes.”

Or, if she lives through the gift-wrap experience, Tommy might be a bit more excited. “A chick! You got me a blonde? Who only speaks Russian?! And you’ve obligated me to marry her and live with her for a minimum of one year? Screw Maryann, she was bringing me down, anyway.  You know me so well, brosef.”

Just remember to include instructions with the gift: This mail-order bride must be fed, watered, walked, and occasionally looked at to maintain her outward appearance and inner will to stay with you and alive (both are necessary for complete enjoyment of M-OB). Do not burn, eat, shoot at, or scream at this bride, as this may result in voiding of the warranty. Warranty only covers accidental damage, but does not include any water/liquid damage that you may incur. Please refrain from stabbing or puncturing your bride, contents may be under extreme pressure. Do not microwave, broil, marinate, grill, flambé, or  pickle your bride.

No exchanges. Don’t come crying to me when you don’t like her anymore, that’s not included in the warranty, chucklehead.