I See Your Bunnies and Raise You Otters and Penguins.

I read a funny article mostly comprised of pictures of bunnies and entertaining sarcastic comments about them. I laughed, and started to move on, before seeing the comments. There is a comment that states “The online bunny community is going to love this!”

Here is the bunny thing I saw: http://www.waitbutwhy.com/2013/08/the-bunny-manifesto.html

It stopped me cold.

There is a whole community of bunny people online? That is so weird. I mean, sure, bunnies are fluffy, sometimes adorable, and they have that whole ear thing going on. But are they worthy of a whole community? I don’t know that I can fairly answer that, as I am relatively ambivalent about rabbits and not part of any sort of community that may or may not worship their fluffy bods and misshapen ears.

And then more than one of the commenters pointed people to this website: http://www.disapprovingrabbits.com/

Guess what? Only a couple of them look actively disapproving. The rest just look like FLUFFY DANG BUNNIES. If you are going to advertise disapproving animals, I demand to feel shame and remorse and the urge to scuff my shoe while muttering "Sorry, Mom." while looking at the animals.

You know what there should be a community for? (And maybe there is. Who knows? Not me. I am not up on bizarro animal-based communities deep in the annals of the internet. Though you’d think that someone like me probably would be. And yet, you’d be wrong. So there.) Otters and penguins.

Otters are adorable and they hold hands while they sleep to keep from drifting away. They are cute dry or wet, eyes opened or closed. And unlike those bastard koala bears, they do not hide a vicious rampaging face-eating personality behind their cute little somewhat fluffy faces.

The most bizarre otter fact that I just found is that they can be “anywhere from 31 to 99 pounds” and are part of the weasel family. You know what I see when I look at an otter? Not a frickin’ weirdo weasel, that’s for sure. Otters won the evolution lottery. They can live on land OR sea, they have many adorable facial expressions, and they can be fat. Also, does anyone else think that “31 to 99” is an incredible specific ending and beginning range?

They look like they're annoyed that the photographer interrupted them while they were doing a fancy hair updo.

Is there anything more adorable than a fat fluffy animal or a fat baby? I think not. And if you think so, I can tell you this: You are entitled to your opinion, even though it is wrong and stupid.

In addition, a group of otters is called a “raft.” That is also awesome and better than bunnies. A raft of otters. Wonderful. I am currently imagining a raft of sea otters all holding hands, floating around, with perhaps a meerkat or something catching a ride on top of them, maybe even humming a sea shanty to himself as he floats on awesome toward some other destination.

Contrary to popular belief, otters do not mate for life. They are polygynous. Females tend to outnumber males somewhere around 5 to 1, and in an apparent bid to show their displeasure about not being more prolific, male otters will bite the nose of female otters they are mating with, making them bleed and scar, or even hold the female’s heads under water! Jerks.

Perhaps the male otters need a little lesson in manners.

Russia has a lot of otters right now. I do not think Russia deserves this many otters and I am considering thinking about starting a petition to make them give me some of their otters. I have a bathtub they could live in.

Oh my god. I can't even handle this. They are SO CUTE AND CUDDLY.

Another set of animals that I believe deserve more attention: penguins. First of all and most importantly, they are always dressed for a formal dinner party and they look fantastic in tuxedos. Secondly, they sit on their fluffy babies. They sit on their young to keep them warm, since they only have foofy baby fur. And they love to go sledding. So do I!

MAJESTIC.

Also, they evolved wings into flippers. That’s so darn useful, and I am still hoping that my feet will eventually do the same. The largest living species of them is the Emperor Penguin. They can be up to 3’7’’ tall and weigh 75 pounds. That’s perfect. I’d put him in one of those child-leashes and take him everywhere with me, and he would be like ⅔ as tall as I am! I think I’d name him Bond.

The smallest is the Little Blue Penguin, only up to 16 inches tall and 2 pounds. PERFECT. She would fit in my purse and I could name her Captain Wingspan. Or perhaps Corporal Flipper.

Oh dear god, LOOK AT IT. LITTLE AND BLUE.

And penguins are polite. They form monogamous pairs for breeding seasons, and they share the incubation of the eggs. One sits while the other swims and gallivants and feasts, and then they switch. I like that division of labor!

We should do that. Maybe the girl gets pregnant and they guy gives birth. Much more equal, in my humble opinion. Actually, I don’t think I’m that humble.

I’m just saying, otters and penguins are way cooler than rabbits. And they eat more than stupid lettuce and carrots. I like carrots as much as the next guy, but not for every meal. You could turn orange.

So, I have been thinking about being a penguin for Halloween this year. Here is the possible costume. But imagine me in it, and not some weirdo stock person.