The Path to Halloween Greatness.

I feel like this should go without saying, but I love Halloween. Not just a little, I’m not mildly amused by it. I don’t feel like I could take it or leave it. Nope, I adore Halloween. I love the candy, the costumes, the parades, the parties, and the candy.

I have long held this theory about fireworks and Halloween. My theory is these are two of the only times that you’ll see adults, no matter their ages, get lost in something. Next time you’re at a fireworks show, take a moment and look around you. Everyone, from the smallest of 3 year olds to the oldest dude  in his 90s, are all looking up, usually in wonder, and taking it all in. People get lost in the beauty and noise of fireworks, especially if they are lighting the fireworks themselves. Then it’s even more fun! My family loves fireworks. We light them for hours on the 4th of July.

And then there’s Halloween. What other day of the year can an adult dress up as anything they want -- scary, creepy, funny, as an old person -- and it be not only ok, but encouraged? It’s the one day people don’t worry about being judged or criticized, because hey, it’s all part of the costume.

In any case, I love Halloween. I had my requisite slutty costumes in college, and that was ok. But the funny ones are so much better!

One year I was a whoopie cushion. The costume itself wasn’t that impressive, but then I bought a real self-reinflating whoopie cushion and used a belt to secure it to my stomach. Every time someone walked near me at work, I pressed it. Trust me, it was hilarious.

Told ya so.

Two years in a row, I went as a sumo wrestler. This one will always be a personal favorite. First of all, sumo wrestlers are awesome, and mine wore a red diaper. Secondly, it was a battery-pack-powered, self-inflating costume. It was humongous and amazing. Boyfriend once took a video of me wearing the sumo costume skipping down the street and trying to dance. Sumo wrestlers are excellent dancers, you know.

This one might never be topped. Could be a personal best.

This year, as every other, I started to contemplate my costume early, around August-ish. I like to be prepared, and sometimes I have to gather pieces to make the costume.

I’ve been a bit obssessed with penguins lately, so that is where I ended up, after dismissing several other costume ideas, including James Bond/Penguin (Wear a penguin suit, but carry a water gun and have spy gadgets), the Joker, the sumo wrestler, a girl Superman (not to be confused with the more lame Supergirl, or the amazing Wonder Woman. now THAT WOMAN CAN LASSO SOME TRUTH.), a ninja cat, and a transformer (too difficult to make).

I guess I can be a cat-ninja next year. Or maybe a ninja dog. Or a ninja dragon. Or a stealthy ninja penguin!

Anyway, I really frickin’ love penguins, so I went with that.

First order of business, I ordered my penguin costume online. Now, I thoroughly enjoy making a costume out of different pieces of clothing and such. Last year, I was Quailman, and it was not a store bought costume. But a penguin is different. By doing it on my own, I risk ending up looking like a girl in a tuxedo. Which is cool, but not really what I was going for.

If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'. I had the full Doug-hair, a belt, and white tightey-whiteys on the outside of my khakis. Suck it, Silver Surfer. Boyfriend was a mad scientist. For the 3rd year. No one was surprised.

Step 2: Clearly mark the shipping address as “commercial.”

Step 3: Mailman tries to deliver my package on a Saturday, and sends me a strongly worded email about how they attempted to do their job, but my silly little business wasn't open for them to deliver it.

Step 4: Try to call the mail people on Tuesday morning (because Monday was Columbus Day. There was even a parade.) and be on hold for 20 minutes, never once talking to a person or accomplishing anything other than wondering what was taking so long for USPS to die a slow, sad death.

Step 5: Be pleasantly surprised when, after no additional action was taken, package was safely and triumphantly delivered on Tuesday afternoon.

Step 6: Get very excited and rip open the package near the reception desk, and happy show off your awesome penguin costume, which includes orange penguin-foot shoe covers.

Step 7: Try on penguin-foot shoe covers at your desk. Covertly glance around to make sure no one else is watching you weirdly reenact Happy Feet at your desk.

Step 8: Almost fall over and break your face when you come to understand that penguin-foot shoe covers are not that easy to walk in. They should have some kind of warning label!
WARNING: Not for dancing, skipping, or clumsy people.

Step 9: Tell everyone that your penguin suit arrives. Strangely, none of them are surprised that you ordered a penguin suit online.

Step 10: Sadly and pout-ily realize that you can’t take your penguin suit home that day because you have a networking event after work, and you can’t be that weirdo who brought a penguin suit along to a work event. People may or may not want to do business with you after that. And it really isn't fair to judge someone’s business acumen and professionalism by a penguin suit. There should be some kind of rule about that.

Step 11: At work the next day, excitedly remember about the penguin suit and prepare to take it home with you.

Step 12: Send Boyfriend a text of a picture of your feet with the penguin-foot shoe covers on with the caption “Just a taste of the sexiness that will be waiting for you at home.” [Boyfriend later responds that he is laughing so hard that his actual butt is falling off of his body. Mentally brace yourself for attempting to not be weirded out by his butt-less form.]

Penguin suits are the new sexy lingerie.

Step 13: PARTY LIKE IT’S 1999!

Heck yes. Halloween is almost here again! Can’t wait. Party time! Excellent!