An Incomplete List of Things That Cheese Me Off/Annoy Me/Cause Me To Rant Incoherently

So, I understand that everyone is different, everyone has different things that annoy them or piss them off, or cause them to make up brand new curse words, perhaps in different languages. I get that. But yeah...this is MY blog. Therefore, the below list is stuff that annoys me specifically. Some of it probably annoys you. Some might not and you may begin to suspect that I am in fact, a snobby jerk with too high of standards to be allowed to occupy the same space as you, or breath the same air.

In this, you would be wrong. I am a perfectly nice person. Well, most of the time, anyway! So, I am nice and I'm tolerant. In fact, I am one of those annoying people who preach tolerance and acceptance of everyone (side note: I'm still happy and excited about NY legalizing gay marriage!). That being said, there are annoying idiots everywhere, and here are the ones by whom I seem to be constantly besieged. As well as just things. Not all of the below are things people do, some are just things that exist. Yes, the very existence of these things bother me on a soul-deep level.

-People who eat crunchy chips/other foods with their mouth wiiiiiiiiiide open.

-When I’m super tired and I have a cup of coffee or 4 and it is still not enough to wake me up and I am still super tired.

-A flickering overhead light…I don’t know why, but I cannot handle that kind of flashing strobe-y annoyance. Seriously, I just want to punch that light in the face and scream “Make a decision, dammit!”

-People who leave voicemails that only say “Hey, it’s me. Call me back.” Totally got that from the missed call. (I’m talking directly to you, Mom.)

-Foods that are supposed to be crunchy and then are not, and vice versa! Who wants a mushy carrot? Or a sad, non-crispy potato chip?

-When my cell phone tells me I have new email and then I don’t. Now, that’s just mean. :(

-People who use text-speak in real conversation. I refuse to respond to you if you say “lawl” as if to say “LOL” out loud.

-Ooooh! Also, people who don’t use ANY grammar or punctuation when typing! Not using apostrophes or something is understandable, it does shorten it slightly, and if you’re typing on a cell phone, they can get annoying, what with the function-symbol-whatever-apostrophe keys. But no periods or capitalization? On a cell phone, you have to TRY to be that dumb. My cell automatically capitalizes the first letter of every sentence and all proper nouns, like days of the week. It automatically puts in periods if I hit space bar twice. How do you screw it up if it is automatically fixed for you as you go??

-Part B to the above. Even if you are on a computer, it is unforgivable to be using crappy grammar and weird-ass spelling. “an lyk it was dis n dat b crzeeee man.” Yyyyyeah…..I’m not reading that, responding to it, or accepting it as English. And trust me, that makes you look like the biggest idiot to anyone over the age of YOU. Or 12. Whichever comes first.

-AND people who tYpE LiKe ThIs A lOt. Really makes the voice in my head go berserk when trying to read it. Then I get confused, like why can’t my brain just register it normally and ignore the random capitals? This can then lead into a downward spiral filled with questioning myself. Am I really as smart as I think I am? Has everyone been lying to me this whole time, and I’m not intelligent, I’m simply a functioning retarded adult who is lucky enough to not need diapers every day? Do my parents partake in this ruse? Am I being observed by people who want to document functioning retarded adults and write articles about them for dry, boring science and medical journals? If so, will I get a byline, or am I simply “Subject A”? Are they watching me right now? I can feel their eyes boring into me RIGHT NOW.

-People who can’t or won’t laugh at themselves. I just don’t get it! Life is too short to take everything so seriously and get mortified every time something small or slightly embarrassing happens in public. Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Get mortified, and they’re all suddenly laughing at you.

-This one may not be universal. A personal pet peeve of mine is when people leave :10 on the microwave. I don’t get it! Just hit clear so I can see the clock! No one is coming behind you and using the last 10 seconds. You can’t just save it up for the future. Either put your stuff in there for the right amount of time and wait for the beep, or HIT CLEAR! I honestly have no idea why this drives me so nuts, but it really, really does.

What are your biggest pet peeves? Am I missing something completely obvious that should and probably does annoy the crap out of me and I just can’t think of it right now, but later it will occur to me (likely at 3 am and wake me out of my REM cycle) and cause me to slap my own forehead in disbelief over forgetting something so monumentally annoying that I curse it daily and vigorously?