I Am Not Dick's Best Friend.

If your name is Dick, I probably won’t be your friend. Not because I don’t like you, you’re likely delightful. You just won’t like me. I’ll giggle like a schoolgirl whenever I say your name. And here’s why: first of all, how the hell do people make the jump from “Richard” to “Dick”?? And secondly, as you probably got teased in school, why didn’t you nip that nickname in the bud when you were a kid? I’ll never understand why you didn’t say, “Hey, man, don’t call me that. Let’s go with “Rich” or something. Also,  I have the maturity of a 10 year old boy, so it makes me laugh. To be fair, I would laugh equally as hard if your nickname was “Fart” or “Your Mom,” too.

Sometimes you have no choice, like if it is your last name, or if your parents were too lazy or short sighted to name you something non-stupid. Here is an example: I knew a William Williamson and a Danielle Daniels when I was in school.

This is 100% real: my mom’s friend (both my mom and her friend are teachers) worked at a school and in one grade, had 11 different girl students named Female. Pronounced “Feh-mall-ee.” In high school, my best friend’s mom was a doctor, and she had 2 patients that were identical twins that were actually named Lemonjello and Orangejello. YYYYeah.

But, I love these names SO MUCH. How could you not? They’re hilariously, painfully awful. I just feel bad for those kids. They didn’t pick the names, they are just stuck with them until age 18.

There is the other side of the coin. Perfectly normal names that your classmates and friends twist into cruel, horrifically funny nicknames and pronunciations. Been there, heard that. There is absolutely nothing that anyone could do to my name that high school kids and restaurant coworkers haven’t already done in a perverted, sometimes funny, way.

And no, I am NOT telling.

But back to you. Is your name Dick? Jello? Pilot Inspecktor?

I fully understand wanting to name your kid something new and interesting, and one that isn’t the most popular name for last 15 years. But Pilot Inspektor? That’s just mean! AND you spelled it wrong!

I generally like interesting names. Heck, my name is “Jyssica.” And I LOVE IT. It is just different enough to be interesting, without going into the realm of crazy. Someday, I’ll have a kid and I'll probably name it. And it will be in school surrounded by a bunch of “Denim,” “Apple,” and “FlingIronLoveMonkey” kids. Well, that last one isn’t so bad.