I was dreaming that I was a standup comedian, and then woke up funny.

[Little bit o' backstory: I really was having this dream that I was a stand up comic. I watch a LOT of stand up, in case you were wondering. Which you should have been. What kind of weirdo just randomly dreams of being a comedian? A funny chick, that's who! ANYWAY, I woke up and had the following rant stuck in my head. I wrote it down, refined it a bit, took out a couple of nonsequitors, and here we have it.

In my head, the whole rant is a riff on these specific blame-happy weirdos people:

Those who claim that video games teach violence, blur the lines between fantasy and reality, and desensitize their kids to violence in real life. If you think it’s the games fault for you not teaching your kids that violence isn’t always the answer, and the difference between fantasy and reality, then you must be SUPER PISSED at board games, too.]

READ THIS IN THE STYLE OF DANIEL TOSH WHISPERING IT TO YOU (in a slightly creepy manner). May be odd, but that's how I imagined it:

What is Monopoly teaching kids? That it is OK to walk through something once, buy it with no inspection, no negotiation, and then start building shit. No permits, screw structural integrity, and who needs a contractor or 7?

First off, your kids should be thinking about the environment, not just slapping hotels and houses wherever they want. Secondly, your kids think they are so damn entitled! Just buying shit up, probably using credit, screw up their--haha, YOUR--credit score, living in your house for another 4 years while they build it. When are they moving out already? Kid, your parents want you gone, and the Pizza Palace can replace you at any moment. Congrats, Monopoly. You taught my kids to be ungrateful, entitled slumlords who still live in my basement!

Yeah. Monopoly messed up your kids. Can't blame yourself, because it couldn't possibly be the parenting skills you learned off a Fruity Pebbles box. Stop blaming the media, the video games, and the teachers, and put the blame squarely where it belongs. On YOUR parents, duh. Those jerks. Why couldn't they have taught you more before they died in that tragic drunk driving accident? I told Ma to lay off the Bay Breezes, but you know women. They never listen.

AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON CLUE! What? WHAT! Like it’s ok to just stumble stupidly around a strangers house looking for clues to a murder. GET OUT NOW! Don’t you know your mother worries about you when you aren’t home?

And that damn Chutes & Ladders. I climb all damn day, struggle, going up one rung at a time, barefoot, and when I FINALLY get near the top, I'm suddenly pushed down a flippin’ slide? Like I’m 3 years old and need a slide? Why even bother trying to get to the top, huh? HUH?!

Also, was there a “16 and pregnant” game that I don’t know about? Because I gotta say…I think that one might be one that should be pulled off the shelves…