How To: Be An Awesome Girlfriend

Boyfriend bought a new pair of pants last week. And no joke, there was a tag on them that said “Comfort-Stretch Waistband: Because guys need their space.” We both thought this was hilarious. But it got me thinking about guys and girls and their needs and wants and stuff.

So, in this installment of intermittent how to articles that clearly make your life inconceivably better, I present to you:

How To: Be An Awesome Girlfriend.

I want to preface this by saying that there is more than one way to be irresistibly awesome to your hunky other half, and also warn you that sometimes, no matter how great you are, the other half of your relationship may not appreciate it, or deserve it. And like Old Kenny Rogers always says, in his wrinkly old-man voice, ‘You gotta know when to fold ‘em.’ Don’t give away all your lovin’ to someone who doesn’t respect and appreciate all of what your awesomeness has to offer.

Ok, PSA over. On to the fun stuff!

1. It’s true, guys need their space. AND SO DO CHICKS. I need my space sometimes and just want to hang out with the coolest person I know: ME. You can’t be together 24/7, because for one thing, you (hopefully) have different interests and can maintain those both with and without each other. Perfect example: Boyfriend plays video games. I literally could not have any less interest in sitting at a computer for hours playing the same thing. *shudder* However, I can curl up for hours reading a good book. BAM. Problem Solved. We do our own things, yet are at least slightly aware that the other person is in the room. Quality time, kids.

2. Make sure you have a super comfy couch. Boyfriends love comfy couches.

3. I suppose this one is more of a tip, than an actual step to being awesome. Either way, here it is. At some point after the beginning of a new relationship, when you’re still trying to look cute all the time, and wear sexy clothes and not pick your nose in front of each other, that stuff starts to fall by the wayside a bit. At this point, I am living with my boyfriend, and I cannot imagine an environment less conducive to trying to be perfect. He knows I work out in raggedy, old, holey, terrible clothes, he has seen me when I am sick (and you know how crappy you look with the flu!), he has seen me spit when I tasted something really gross, and he has taken note of some of my idiosyncrasies. I was WAY better able to hide the weird/not-cute stuff before!

But the point is that, it’s ok. I would rather him know the real me, and like it, than the always-plucked, cute-shoe-wearing, super polite version. Not that I’m not polite now, still! I just have my snarky, snotty, bitchy moments, too. And he has to bear witness to all of them.

4. In the same vein as number 3, get used to his grossness. When you first start dating, you’re both on your best behavior. By the year mark, he has gotten past that and moved on to the farting-in-front-of-you stage, which is closely followed by the farting-in-your-direction-and-laughing-hysterically phase. That last phase isn’t as fun as it sounds. Try not to eat too much Chinese food with him, it makes it worse. 

5. Laugh at him, laugh at yourself, laugh at life. I cannot stress this enough. You are not meant to be a comedian or anything, but damn it, laugh together. And laugh at each other! I make a lot of silly faces.

6. Be a macaroni and cheese connoisseur. Boyfriend loves my mac n’ cheese, and so do I. We do cook together, it’s something we enjoy, but when it comes to mac n’ cheese, it’s my kitchen and the cheese will do as I command. OBEY ME, CHEESE MINIONS!

Like these, but made of cheese and who love cheese more than anything else in the world, except obeying me!

7. Don’t bother investing in expensive lingerie. If your dude is anything like my dude, he won’t notice anyway. Besides, why waste tons of money on fancy underpants when naked is FREE? Hello, my Jewyness may be popping out here, but come on, I am so not spending $300 on some fancypants teddy thingy when I know he doesn’t care one way or the other. He might be like “You look hot” for half a second, but then it’s done, it’s purpose has been served, and I would’ve gotten the same result in my towel after a shower. Trust me on this one. If he wants the lingerie that badly, he can buy it himself. :)

8. Appreciate his facial hairs. Boyfriends love their goatee/soul patch/mustache/muttonchops. Appreciate it. Stroke his crazy face hair. Name it, talk to it, become it’s friend. And if the guy ever shaves it off, accuse him of killing your friend and pout about it. Make a sad face and puppy dog eyes.

9. Boyfriends can’t resist the puppy dog eyes, but they hate themselves a little bit for falling for them every time. Use the puppy dog eyes sparingly and only for important stuff. Tip: Used too often, they lose their power.

NOPE. POWER HAS MULTIPLIED, NOT DIMINISHED.

10. Never tell the men of your magical girlfriend powers!

11. Get into stuff together. It doesn’t have to be some big official thing, like joining a softball team together, or taking ballroom dance (good luck convincing him of that one, anyway!). Just get into stuff together. I have always loved card games, and Boyfriend does, too, so we have learned some new games that we can play together and with our friends.

12. Make fun of him mercilessly. How else will he know you care?!

13. Nagging is inevitable. I always swore I wouldn’t be a naggy girlfriend. I frickin’ lied. I didn’t know I was lying when I said it, but I was a Liar McPantsOnFireson. (Also, in reference to the liar liar idiom, I’d like to throw the following phrase into the ring, to be voted on to replace the traditional one: “You sir, are rewriting history in such a way that your pantaloons are aflame.”)

Back to the nagging. You never mean to, and you will tell yourself that you won’t do it, but you are lying directly to your own FACE. It starts small, reminding him of important things, and dates and stuff. It grows. Sometimes I remind him of stuff a little too hard. Possibly too often. I like to assume that he doesn’t notice that nagging, what with his selective man-hearing and all.Try to not be super-naggy!

14. Hair. Boyfriends like hair. But they like it more when it’s attached to your head and less when it’s clogging the drain. And be warned! They will blame the drain-clog hair on you, even with it’s theirs!! They will, I’ve seen them do it.

And now, a tip for the men:

Okay, so a lot of guys think they know what women want. Some think it is the stereotypical romantic comedy sensitive guy, some guys think women just want someone to take care of them, and others think we just want an unlimited amount of shoes (these specific guys are not TOTALLY wrong about the shoes). Still others, aka ‘idiots’ think all women want is swag and saggy pants. You know what isn’t attractive? Your pasty butt moderately covered in Ninja Turtles boxers, in 13 degree weather. Although, to be fair, it’s even worse when it is really hot outside and your pair your hero in a half-shell undies with a wifebeater tank top. 

ATTRACTIVE. Especially the part where they tuck their shirts into their underwear. The better to view the boxers, I guess!

So now, men and women can come together, free of artifice and secrets, and be wonderful. Men, you should be thanking me for letting the womenfolk know what you like, and women, you should be thanking me for telling the guys how we really feel about saggy pants.

And so...YOU’RE WELCOME, WORLD.