I
apparently expect too much from pants. I bought a new pair of jeans,
and on the butt was a sticker that said “NEW! BACK POCKETS!” And I
suddenly wondered, was I expecting too much, to have butt pockets on
pants? Should I lower my jeans-standards? And then I realized that pants
have had butt pockets for a long time. Was this particular pair so far
out of touch that they thought they’d invented back pockets and started a
revolution? Screw it. Viva la revolucion!
I proudly carry things in
pockets resting atop my tuchus! Well,
not atop, so much as ‘near’ or ‘adjacent to.’ I don’t have much of a
butt. Doesn’t bother me, actually. In fact, I can easily carry things in
my fancy new incredibly revolutionary back pockets.
This
caused me to look back and wonder what else I had ridiculously high
standards for. After all, I am a highly confident young chick, and I
attempt to keep fairly high standards in place. I expect my books to be
interesting stories, my food to be delicious, TV shows to be at least
mildly entertaining (and there are a lot that fail even those mediocre
hopes and dreams), and the clothes I buy to fit at home the same way
they did in the store’s fitting rooms.
And
that may be the hardest standard for the Universe to meet. Every girl
has been there. You’re at a store, you try something on, and BAM! You
look FABULOUS! You get home, still excited and the reaction has now
become “I...don’t know. I think I like it?” And of course, we go ahead
and cut (rip) the tags off and hang it up properly, because of course it
will look great, it’s just different lighting than the store. And I ate
lunch. And also, these pants totally give me a muffin top after I eat,
which wasn’t there when I was trying it on. I might have even tried it
on with totally different pants! And in the closet it stays. Generally, I
wear new stuff immediately. “Oh, we’re going to a movie? Hold on, I
want to wear my new shoes! No, I don’t care that it will be dark, sticky
and possibly not the best forum for silver glitter stilettos. Hello? I
just got them an hour ago. I would wear them if we went to a beach
barbeque right now.On horseback. In December. On a mountain.”
But
if we aren’t as psyched about something as we THOUGHT we would be, ehh,
I’ll wear it at some point, I’m sure. I’m not even entirely sure why I
buy clothes. I pretty much wear the same 2 pairs of jeans and 5-6 tops
all the time, anyway.
But
have clothes standards been raised to the point of absurdity? I am
expecting back pockets on jeans. There, I said it. I wasn’t amazed when I
saw the sticker. I was confused and questioning my choice of jeans
brands. Although, I don’t care about brands of anything. I am strictly
on the “Oh, it fits and I can afford it” plan. Even so, maybe I should
rethink that. I’ve already pretty well accepted that designers
apparently think that the ability to carry things in any front pockets
on women is unacceptable. Girl-pockets are so small that my whole HAND
doesn’t even fit in them, much less a wallet or something.
Hey, designers: I care less about the “line” of my pants and more about the functionality of said pants.
Screw
it. Pants off. It’s time to go to my no-pants zone. And by “zone,” I
mean my entire apartment. And by “no pants,” I MEAN NO PANTS! Wooo! Listen, I'm not expecting to form a sisterhood over one pair of pants that magically fits several different body types in multiple locations, okay? I just want a reasonably priced, well fitting, pockets-having, fully functional pair of pants! I am so alone.
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