Cool & Not Cool: Important Information For Every Day Life.

Times no one ever looks cool: 5:43 am, when answering the ringing toy phone of the 6-and-under crowd, while carrying an umbrella (really, everyone is carrying around their own personal collapsible roof. It widens your personal bubble, which is nice, but have you ever been whacked in the face with an umbrella? Not pleasant. I even have permanent protective eyewear, and I still fear for my corneas at times), in rainboots, and when dancing the YMCA, the macarena, or the electric slide.

No matter what you think, this is what you look like. Sad.

Times everyone looks cool: Doing the locomotion, going to the Love Shack, and partying like it’s 1999.







Places no one looks cool: The gas station, riding behind someone on a vespa (unless you’re a really hot girl. Then our expectations of you are lowered, and anything you do becomes slightly more acceptable. Not saying I agree with it. Hey, take it up with Society.), the dollar store, sitting outside of any fitting room while waiting on a friend/girlfriend/neighbor/your mom/someone who suckered you into going shopping with them (don’t lie. Either you agreed to go, or you got “convinced” it was a good idea with the incentive of either food, alcohol, or sex. Maybe all 3, depending on how much you really hate shopping).

Places everyone looks cool: Driving a really big motorcycle, the very front of a big ship, riding a horse successfully, in a picture that also features a live shark, and when standing on a tank. C’mon, tanks are awesome.

You can't even pretend that guy isn't badass. Petting a shark WHILE SURROUNDED BY SHARKS.

Sounds no one looks cool making: forcing a fart, doing a fake farty sound with your hands smushed up against your face, karaoke when more-than-hammered (it’s hilarious, but you definitely don’t LOOK as cool as you FEEL), making fake beep-beep-boop robot-y sounds while attempting to dance the robot, talking in baby talk (most especially if it is towards an anklebiter dog and not a baby).

Especially if it's ugly.

Sounds everyone looks cool making: controlling the remote to a fart machine planted near someone who thinks farts are not funny/revolting/embarrassing/sad, playing the guitar or drums, even badly, using a badass vuvuzela, little girls in their first pair of dress shoes that click (trust me, it’s a big deal for a 9 year old), and using the buzzer during Taboo.

This guy knows cool.

People who are ALWAYS cool: your best friend, your first crush, the people in the band in the first concert you go to, older siblings (especially during your teenage years), and that one guy at school who does not give a single fuck and walks around like he owns the place.

 He walks around all cool, and stuff. And you're left standing there like "why am I stuck with all these fucks to give??"







People who are NEVER cool: 
your parents during the entire tenure of your teenage years, any and all younger siblings during that same time period, the people in the bands your parents listen to (with the exception of the Beatles, Red Hot Chili Peppers, the Boss, and Simon & Garfunkel), Will Smith's mom in the Fresh Prince theme song, and your boss.

 Nope.







Things you don’t look cool doing that you might have thought your normal amount of awesomeness would cover: using a graphing calculator. No one is watching you thinking, “DAMN! LOOK AT THOSE BADASS OUTLIERS!” 

But I believe that I've developed a better system (I had help, thank you friends. Yes, I have friends.). Some people use a 1 to 10 rating scale for things, but the legendary Barney Stinson-like levels of cool need something a LIIIIIIITTLE better. Here, I present to you: 


MY BADASS SCALE of Forever Alone to Captain Awesome-o-saurus. That's right, if you're at the top of the scale, not ONLY do you get the honorary "Cap'n" title, but you also get to be what amounts to a really cool dinosaur. So, rawr.

10: Captain Awesome-o-saurus!
9: Flippin’ SWEET!
8: Banana!
7: You got mad skillz, yo.
6: At least you’re somewhat above average. *Slow clap for you*
5: Woo! Top of the bell curve! [At least you’re top at something...]
4: Just ok.
3: The Leader of the NerdHerd.
2: Junior member of a Geek Squad. [I love the idea of a squadron of geeks together.]
1: Forever alone.

Also, another scale I have recently invented, but there are no middle labels is the following, when I texted it to a friend:

"On a scale of a 4 year old to a dead guy, how good of a secret-keeper are you?"