Things I Learned From The Food Network

-Yeah, I could totally be on Iron Chef America. Bring it, Flay. But not against Morimoto. That guy is like a demi-god that Hulk would never maim. There is no way he is just a regular human. I superhate feet, but I would worship that guy’s food-loving magical umami toes!
-Stilton cheese is rich and smoky.
-Marc Summers is AS COOL now on Unwrapped, showing me all the gross/awesome ways all my favorite foods are made, as he was on Double Dare, back in the day. Marc Summers, I will always think you’re a little bit badass.

Go to: http://clutch.mtv.com/2010/08/17/where-are-they-now-nickelodeon-game-show-hosts/ It's worth it.

-Always clean shellfish properly.
-20 minutes is not enough time for a risotto. Also, risotto is a rice-y thing.
-You get points for creativity!
-Guy Fieri has ridiculous hair. And also, I hate him. I mean, frosted tips? Really? What, are you a Backstreet Boy now? COME ON.
-I FEEL like I could win Food Network Star...I am probably horribly, horribly, hilariously wrong.
-Desserts are hard.
-Apparently, cupcakes are “in” right now.
-I didn’t know, but in Italy, it is apparently a crime to put cheese on a seafood dish.

  -There is nothing Robert Irvine can’t do. Except maybe beat Anne Burrell, but I have a feeling that’s going to happen, too. That guy is like a machine. Half HGTV/half Food Network. Also, I don't see what flexing has to do with whisks.I might be missing the point here.








-Rachel Ray bothers me on a souldeep level. Not enough to hate her, but enough that she annoys what few nerves I have left when she is on. And I can’t pinpoint why, it just IS.
-Umami is totally a thing. It’s a big thing. It’s a whole flavor. Oh, Japan, I love you so. (also, Morimoto is from there. SIGH! Love him.)

Also, I think he's the only chef to be on both versions of Iron Chef.

-You can pretty much make a sauce out of anything.
-Pineapples are actually berries.
-That guy on Sweet Genius is insane.
-Alton Brown is a magical genius of amazingness. I bet he has a pet unicorn. He’s so smart and science-y with food. I just love it. He could magic up a gourmet meal from a tree, and give you the history and science of it while he cooked. Amazing.
-I could never be a food judge. I’m pretty sure I’m too picky, and I’d feel like a GIANT asshole, attempting to say something like “Your use of seasonings has overwhelmed my palate and I feel the mustard seed is a bit too abrasive.” Oh, god. I felt like an asshole just typing that. THAT’S IT. I am officially a douchecanoe today, from that sentence alone.
-I saw Asian Pears on Chopped, and I went out and bought a couple, and I learned they are DELICIOUS. It’s an apple-pear hybrid. Better than a stupid hybrid smartcar. I always see smartcars and at first, I am jealous over the tiny parking spaces that they fit in, and then I am irrationally angry at them. Like “How can you be so tiny, car? I could lift you, and I lack sufficient upper-body strength for pullups! Though I am working on that, and my pushups have increased, at least. DON’T give me that look, smartcar! I will throw you into a puddle, and you will drown! I won’t accept your smartytires sarcasm, you jerk! You can’t even carry a trombone in your tiny hatchback! I can. I can competently transport a trombone from one place to another. SO THERE, Smartcar!” They are just so SMALL. I have no idea why it bothers me so much.
-Avocados are really, really healthy. I don’t care though, because they are also icky. And mushy. And pastel green.
-Presentation is important, because a lot of the chefs say “You eat with your eyes first.”
-Everyone likes macaroni and cheese. But most especially me.
-The judges on Chopped are among my favorite people ever (talking to you, Aaron Sanchez and Alex Guarneschelli ← I had to look up that spelling)
-There is a show called “The Best Thing I Ever Ate” and it turns out that there are a LOT of really cool and amazing foods that chefs love in NY. And every time they talk about something I really want, I NEVER EVER remember the name of the restaurant. Why do you hate me, Brain??

Alton Brown having a foodgasm on Best Thing I Ever Ate, courtesy of foodnetworkhumor.com

-Duff Goldman is awesome. I noticed his show, Ace of Cakes, which I love and the people are really cool, never talks about prices, though...you know the old saying, if you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it!

-Technically, I didn’t learn this from Food Network and he’s technically from Top Chef, BUT I am putting it in this list anyway. A few months ago, I got to see Tom Colicchio play guitar and sing in a band with a friend of mine, WHILE eating delicious barbeque, AND I got to meet him and take a picture. Oh, Tom Colicchio, thanks for making me swoon, and making my family (big Top Chef fans--I KNOW IT’S ON BRAVO, I do not care for the purposes of this statement) super jealous!

…...and in case you hadn’t heard, Paula Deen likes butter.