Ellen Degeneres Dances With Obama.

OK, so we all clearly know that I am the master of puns and anything to do with other hilarity. Well, here’s a prime example! I made up a funny response. Okay, say you’re a dude. You walk up and are trying your flyest pickup line on a lady at the bar. Maybe something suave and Mario related, like “Are you a magic feather? Because my heart just grew a tail, and flew away.” or “If you were a warp tube, I'd be in you all day.” But then, like the lame-o she is, she doesn’t even give you points for creativity and referencing one of the most famous game franchises on the planet. Nope, she just aims a simple “get lost” in your direction.

Now, instead of getting all annoyed, turn this into a positive. With this, you will not only get the last word in, BUT you may be able to turn her frown upside down with this gem: "I can’t get lost! I have turn-by-turn navigation, baby!"

Oh man, I crack me up!

The directions into her pants...err...heart.

Now, while we bask in the glow up my brilliance, I have to tell you about this show I saw on TV. It’s called Guy Code. It’s a bunch of dudes, a few girls, and they talk about the manly/guyish way of doing things. Mostly, it’s funny and practical advice for guys. Here is an example: On the subject of flirting, they explain you shouldn’t just stare a girl down, and tell you not to be creepy. On the subject of drinking, they say you never use a chaser, you never drink anything with an “-ini” in the name, and you HAVE to hold your liquor.

This is one of the dudes on Guy Code on MTV2. Nice quote, man.

Women on the world, we are now entering the moment of creation of: THE GIRL CODE.

We women, we know what’s up. We know guys share everything with their bros, especially hook ups. We know about STUFF.

Girl Code: On Gifts.
Women, we know there are some guys out there who know exactly what they are getting you for your birthday, 3 months in advance. Most guys don’t. I know most girls don’t think about that either so early. I am, unfortunately for everyone else, one of those think-ahead-ers. I actually had all my Hanukkah/Christmas gifts done the week after Thanksgiving. Sorry. Moving on...

So, guys probably know your birthday is coming up. At some point. They at least know the month it’s in, and that that particular month is sometime soon. Make it easy for them! I get super excited about my birthday, so I am planning what I want to do or where to go at least a couple weeks in advance. And I discuss these plans and ideas with Boyfriend. And sneaky BAM. Now he knows when it is and how soon it’s coming. :)

On to the gifts. It seems like most guys have an issue coming up with gift ideas. I can see some of the questions. How much do I spend? What if it’s not meaningful enough? What if it’s TOO meaningful? What if she takes it the wrong way? Where do you even buy girl stuff?! And then it gets to be too much and you end up with a bottle of motor oil and one of those fake roses in a glass tube from the 7-11.

Clearly, these dudes want to do something nice for you. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t bother to worry or get you anything at all. Make it easier on them by either telling them what you want, going to pick something out together, or of course, the always fallback, doing a giftcard. Seriously, tell them straight out exactly what you’d like. I know, I know, all you girls are like “But it’s not romantic that way! I won’t be surprised!” True, but you’d get exactly what you wanted, and not 'surprised' with a new vacuum that just happens to come with a French maid outfit.

GUYS: No matter what, no matter when, no matter who, you can never go wrong with something shiny. Whether it is a pair of simple earrings for your girlfriend of a few months (you can get inexpensive, but very pretty ones), or a totally awesome bracelet for your girlfriend of a couple years (Boyfriend is awesome, fyi.). Shiny works. You don’t have to go to Tiffany’s or Cartier for a sweet, shiny, and thoughtful gift. Yes, you are super welcome.

Aww, look at that, Jyssica is making life easier on couples everywhere! I should have my own show. Like Ellen. I LOVE Ellen. She is so cool. And she DANCES. If I had a show, I could dance and talk to people for a living, and maybe have Ellen on my show and then WE COULD DANCE TOGETHER.

Bask in this. Ellen and Obama just cuttin' a rug. Just dancin' to the jams.

DREAMS REALIZED. I know what I want to be when I grow up.

A person who can say she has danced with Ellen Degeneres.

...And also an astronaut.

Speaking of future dreams, I thought I would share this adorable moment with all of you. Well, it’s either adorable, or my nephew does not fully grasp what a human is, and the fact that he is one. Well, here we go. My mohawked nephew was just a short 2 and a half years old when this incident occurred (He is now a short mohawked almost 3 year old).

Me: Hey, little dude. *kiss* What do you want to be when you grow up?
Nephew: A train.

Well. That certainly told me. I mean, how do you come back from that? He’s 2! I can’t sit there and explain biology. I just ended up with “Well, you’ll make an awesome train, kiddo.” And then he yelled “CHOO CHOO!” and climbed off my lap to go run around into walls and tripping over things. Clearly, this kid is going places.

In conclusion, I shall share something with you that I recently realized.

I, and all of my friends, are the same age as the kid in Scrubs and Friends when those shows first started.

WHOA. And I am neither a doctor nor a ...what does Chandler do again?

Yeah. Just TRY to not hear that in his voice. You can't. I may not know what the guy does, but I love him nonetheless. Because THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO.