I Am A Planticidal Maniac.

I am the worst plant person in the whole world. I don’t have a green thumb, I have the opposite of that. I have a black thumb. I am a terrible person who is a known plant killer. I AM A PLANTICIDAL MANIAC. Except I’m also just me. I just have planticide issues. It's not my fault. I don't WANT to kill plants, it just HAPPENS. You think any other serial killer has ever tried that excuse? I wonder if it would work?

On the one hand, I feel the need to warn people of my plant-killing tendencies, for multiple reasons. 1. So they don’t give me plants as a gift, as even though I love them, they will die and I will feel sad. And then I’ll probably hide my murderous ways from you until I’m forced to come forward with the atrocities my hands have wrought. 2. So they don’t ask me to water their plants while they are out of town. For one thing, I’d feel weird in your house if you weren’t there. I am also intensely curious and may not be able to stop myself from looking at all your pictures and stuff, which will also make me feel vaguely creepy. Also, for all I know, when you aren’t there, your cat turns into some sort of attack-batman-type of kitty, and will attempt to eat my face. And lastly, because I will silently judge you for asking someone to tend your plants, but not your batman-like kitty cat. That’s just mean. 3. There should be some sort of registry for plant killers. There are other registries for people who kill things, and other offenses. I’m just saying. What I do could maybe possibly be considered a crime. Just ask a vegetarian.

On the other hand, I think vegetarians are the criminals. All those poor fruits and vegetables being plucked from the ground and bushes and their homes, just to satisfy your evil hunger for their blood! Besides, chicken and beef and fishies are so tasty. If evolution (or G-d, or the Spaghetti Monster, whatever) wanted us to be herbivores, then 3 things would be different: 1. We would not have these awesome meat-tearing-and-chewing teeth, 2. The animals wouldn’t taste so darn delicious, and 3. We wouldn’t be on top of the food chain (at least of land animals. Have you SEEN these crazy sea creatures?!), other animals would have eaten us into at LEAST endangered status. Because we are delicious. And we’re overpopulated! Clearly, we win.  

While I may be able understand why you choose to not eat meat, I have to say that for me, it is not a viable lifestyle choice.

And neither is polyester. Polyester is also not a viable choice for me or my life. Though tutus could be a fun life choice! Those fun, float-y tulle ones, not the stick-out ballerina ones. My sister has a tutu. She SAYS it was for a costume, but you know that chick is doing pirouettes in her room, using a hairbrush as a microphone and rocking out 80’s style. I know you, big sister, and being in your 30’s hasn’t changed you. :)

I should take a picture of my sister in her tutu and put it on my fridge! Aww, I miss having physical pictures. With the advent of digital photography, and especially having actually decent cameras in our cell phones, I have noticed that I never seem to have physical pictures to put on a corkboard, or in frames, or on the fridge anymore. I snap a picture on my phone and send it to my best friend forever and ever, or my mom, or Boyfriend, but it gets deleted once it has served it’s purpose.

I miss shaking it like a Polaroid picture. I actually adore Polaroids. And photobooths! I love those little strips of pictures in sequential order! I have one in my wallet, that Boyfriend and I did at the mall once. Even though he rolled his eyes so hard they almost got stuck in the back of his head, he indulged me. I love that dude!

In one of these!!

I actually bought an old Polaroid camera on eBay a couple of years ago, but the film is so darn expensive! But still, it made an awesome gift for my best friend. I hope she got some joy out of it for awhile! I know I would! Hmm...that reminds me, I haven’t sent her anything really random in a while. I think I’ll go do that. A few months back, I sent her silly fun flipflops from a store in Grand Central that I found.

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OK, I’m back, having sent something awesome and thoughtful in the mail to my very bestest and pregnant friend and her freakishly tall husband. And I adore them! :)  Everyone loves getting surprises in the mail!

And that's all for today, folks. Love and good wishes for the new year! My new year may just be the new beginning I've been looking for. Who knows? Fingers crossed and all!