They Kept Telling Me Winter Was Coming, But I Didn't Want To Believe It.

I’m particularly well qualified to discuss how to and the differences between dressing for winter in both New York and Florida, as I am from one and currently live in the other.

How To: Dress For The Winter in New York.

Is this the face (eyes?) of a happily dressed child?

Step 1: Get out of your warm, cozy comforter cocoon and turn your alarm off. It’s a new day, jerkface, and you’ve got to face it whether you want to or not.

Step 2: If single: Dance around a little to warm up while grumbling about the weather.

-If living with significant other: Grumble about the weather loudly enough to wake them up, and when they wake up, rudely tell them to go back to sleep in their coziness and that you hate them and all that they stand for.

-Other option for if living with significant other: Cuddle up to them and suck up some of their warmth before getting out of bed. Then commence hating them.

Step 3: Stick out tongue at Boyfriend’s sleeping form. Think about the terrible things you are going to do to him later, to punish him for having the ability to sleep longer than you and continue to be warm.

-These evil and delightful thoughts should carry you into and through your shower.

Step 4: Linger for a couple extra minutes in the hot shower as you psych yourself up for getting out of the shower. Just remember: No coffee will magically appear in your shower.

-Mmmmm. Coffeeeeeeeee.

Step 5: Dry off as quickly as possible. Try not to kill yourself hopping around in your tiny NYC bathroom while drying off.

Step 6: Be pleasantly surprised at how warm your apartment is. You don’t know it yet, but this one is going to come back and bite you in the ass. You don’t control your heat, the building does. It’s very sauna-like at times.

Step 7: Dress yourself in a “base layer.” For the coldest days, a base layer includes leggings or thermal pants THAT ARE NOT REAL PANTS. Real pants will still need to be worn over these.

Step 8: Regular layer. Usually a sweater or long sleeve shirt and actual pants. The problem here is trying to figure out how much is too much. You don’t want to die of your nipples frosting over in public, but you don’t want to melt into a sweaty Jew-y puddle at work, either.

Step 9: Outer-outer layer. On coldest days, you’re talking hoodie, then heavy jacket, scarf, adorable winter hat, and gloves.

Step 10: Have to take off gloves and sweat for a couple minutes in your sauna-like apartment while you make sure you have everything and take your vitamins and grab your keys. Pretty much everything is impossible to do while actually wearing gloves.

Step 11: Waddle out of the apartment in your approximately 7 layers of clothing. I hope you remembered underwear. I didn’t list it here, because I felt that should have been an obvious one. If you forgot, you’re screwed. You have like 6 million layers on, and you want to go back inside and start all over? Ridiculous. Just go commando that day.

Step 12: Freeze to almost death on the way to the train, then wait for the train in the cold while starting to get pissy again. You know that meaniehead is still warm and cozy at home, asleep.

Step 13: Get on train and immediately start sweating and regretting the layers. Some de-layering may occur.

-Optional, often-utilized de-layering: scarf, hat, gloves, and unzipping at the neck of your jacket. Must have pockets for all de-layered items. Holding them just sucks.

Step 14: When getting off the train, re-layer and proceed to walk to work.

Step 15: Get to work and begin the process of fully de-layering down to your basic base and regular layer. Possibly sweat anyway in a hot office.

Reverse process for going home.

There is an optional additional step that includes getting sick in the really cold part of the winter. What's worse that having a cold? Having a cold that basically keeps you imprisoned in your apartment, because I think Jewish moms will tell you that you shouldn't be wandering outside in the cold when you're sick. Or they might just tell you to wear a sweater and EAT SOME SOUP!

Just one reason why we don't have a dog.

How To: Dress For The Winter in Florida.

Step 1: Wake up in your nice, cool, air-conditioned home.

-If living with a significant other: Grumble about the having to get up loudly enough to wake them up, and when they wake up, rudely tell them to go back to sleep in their coziness and that you hate them and all that they stand for (and will ever stand for. Things you stand for change as you get older. Gotta cover all the bases here.).

Step 2: Almost freeze your face off getting out of a nice warm shower. Curse the air conditioning for a minute while drying off as quickly as possible. Cursing in more than one language is encouraged.

-During this process, toes are often banged into the side of bathtubs. More cursing may ensue.

Step 3: Put on whatever feels good and is within arm’s reach. Only one layer is necessary.

Step 4: Walk out of the house and immediately start sweating and regretting everything in your life and every decision you’ve ever made. Glare at the sun for a moment.

-This would also be the time to wonder what the heat is doing to your hair.

Step 5: Sweat the entire way to work, because it’s not far enough away for your car to get super cool.

Step 6: Get to work and go ahead and put on that hoodie you keep at your desk because it’s so cold inside.

Repeat.

This is my life (the NY one, obviously. Not that I'm bitter about the cold or anything!). This awkward cycle of hot to cold to hot.

WHY ME?????? OH GOD WHYYYYYYYY?

Am I doing it wrong? Is there an easier way??

On the other hand, New York has these two AMAZING times of year, called “Spring” and “Fall,” in which you can wear a hoodie and jeans and be totally comfy, and the weather is amazing, and it’s the perfect time to wander around the city and see the few trees with their leaves changing, and it’s just the best parts of the year. Really, it’s awesome. I wish it were Spring all the time!

(Spring is better than Fall, because Spring leads to hot, beach-y Summer and Fall leads to toes falling off from frostbite and snow in your shoes.)

Perfect example of why Florida is awesome in the winter! This is from 1/2/14!

**Things I have put a lot of thought into lately: cheese, muffins, and hula hoops. Also, Alvin and The Chipmunks. (Clarification: not cheese muffins. 2 separate things.)