Things I Not-So-Secretly Wish I Owned

I am the targeted demographic for late night infomercials. Specifically me. I am lazy, I am fascinated by kitchen stuff and random crap, and susceptible to late night advertising. Unfortunately for them, I’m also broke.

Things I not-so-secretly wish I owned: Magic Bullet, Pajama Jeans, one of those never-dull knives that can cut through steel, and the ShamWOW (just to test it’s liquid-holding breaking point!), among others.

ShamWOW could get that right up for you with NO DRIPPING!

It’s like, when I see a product at the store, my reaction is along the lines of “Oh, that’s so silly. Who would possibly give them money for that? I can slice things perfectly fine, my arms ain’t broke.” (Except I would never, ever say 'ain't' because even though I am FROM the South, I am not a redneck, and my English teacher mom would kill me. Or worse, annoy me with never-ending corrections!) And then later, when I’m laying on the couch watching an infomercial at 3 in the morning, I’m like “OH MY GOD. How have I lived my life for 25 years without this magical, amazing device? How am I even alive right now?”

Mostly this magical device, specifically. It can do ANYTHING in 10 seconds or less!

Miracle Socks? You know, now that I think about it, my feet HAVE been feeling less than energetic recently...

One thing I’ve seen that I really CANNOT get behind at all is the Snuggie and the Forever Lazy thing. I just don’t get the appeal. People seem to really love the snuggie. I don’t know why...it’s a backwards robe, and you’re paying $20 for it! I have blankets. I dont need a blanket with arms. because I also own these revolutionary things called sleeves, that are miraculously attached to my shirts.

And the Forever Lazy? Are you KIDDING me? Who could possibly need a full-body fleece cover with a trapdoor? If you’re house is THAT cold, you should call Maintenance, because that’s not good. I would be sweaty and gross. And trapped inside of a terrible thing that made me look like a Furry. Which, for the record, I am not. Nothing wrong with it, totally cool for you, if not a bit weird, just not for me.

The stuff that always seems to sucker me in is the different tools. Caulk Pro? I could SO see myself re-caulking the shower. I’m just saying, it’s easy, it’s useful, I can imagine myself more handy than normal with it. It’s perfect for me! And what girl doesn’t need a 7-in-1 cordless drill/sander/glass cutter/grouter/table saw?

Don't know what it is, but I absolutely need it. $69.95 plus shipping? That's practically GIVING IT AWAY!

At least I’m not some shop-a-holic who comes home with new clothes every day, or nail polish I’ll never use. It should be a point in my favor that the infomercials I am most drawn to, the things I almost get off my lazy ass and get my credit card for, are useful tools and gadgets.

Sometimes, I think the Caps Lock button on my keyboard should totally be the Billy Mays button. That guy has almost sold me stuff too many times to count! BILLY MAYS HERE! Admit it, you know you read that in his voice. It’s so beautiful!

Less beautiful than Billy Mays. STOP STARING INTO MY SOUL, CREEPER! I CAN FEEL YOU SUCKING OUT MY SOULLL! Mays would never do that to me!!

You’re WELCOME. Now you can go buy the Bender Ball or Magic Bullet guilt free, knowing how close I have come to having a closet full of Veg-O-Matics and Perfect Meatloaf and Shakeweights.

….and I didn’t know this, but I totally just found out there is an entire website for As Seen On TV...and I browsed, just for a minute! I was just looking! My credit card is NOT within arm’s reach! And there is a MEN’s SHAKEWEIGHT now. Damn it, I wish I’d have seen that infomercial! And just look at that guy’s face!    

AMAZING!