The Fall and Rise of Monday

I would like to go on record here as saying that I COULD HAVE easily made this entire blog post out of nothing but random pictures of adorable kitties. I have spared you from that, but only with my incredibly excellent willpower and a subtle nudge from common sense. I do like kittens, who doesn’t? But this is not a story about adorable baby animals, it is a story about Monday.

Oh, FINE. Here is one incredibly cute picture of a baby animal, to get you started. Jeez. But it is NOT A KITTEN! 

Told you it wasn't a kitty. It's EVEN BETTER!

Anyway, I have decided to use random and mostly funny pictures that the magical computer box thingy has helped my to find from ALL across the internets, to tell you a probably mostly visual story about one of my Mondays.






First, I wake up. Not happily, not easily, not always on time. But, I do wake up.

After that initial shock of having to be awake in the A.M. on purpose, I somehow get to work. On the way to work, I try to have a force field around me, so that no one talks to me. I wake up with just enough time to shower and dress. Which is about 15 minutes. So, I leave the house 15 minutes after waking up. I am not fully awake yet and I don't want anyone forcing greetings or happiness or eye contact down my throat. I imagine my ride on the train every morning looking like this:

This force field is very effective. Since I have not had my coffee, that is the first thing I do upon walking into work.

This is the smile I give my colleagues, so they don't know that I am feeling murder-y before I take the first few sips.

Then I work diligently and smack out some amazingness for my company.

Ahh, lunch. Everyone's favorite class...um...break.

Awww, classic Peanuts! Had to throw that one in there!

Followed by some more awesomeness and paperwork most deserving of accolades and applause and any other good "A" word that exists.

I get excited, because after working moderately hard for a few minutes right after lunch, I realize that it is now time for more COFFEE! Isn't that just great? I think so.

A bit more work...and THEN...

Freeeeeeeeeeeedom!!

Monday night are the best. First workday of the week is over, I can relax and go boneless on the couch, with nary a worry in my head.  It is also my MURDER NIGHT! I love Dexter. It's recorded on Sunday for Boyfriend and I to enjoy on Mondays. Ahhh, Dexter, you slay me. Or, if you did actually slay me, it would totally be OK, because you are Dexter. :)

I love bedtime. I love sleep so very much. It's why I wake up so late in the mornings. So I can enjoy my precious sleep a few moments more. This is what I feel like when I am sleeping, and how I think I look.

  

Actually, this is probably closer to what I look like. Don't care, still feels great!

I bid you adieu with this adorable baby penguin. I just can't get enough of cute baby animals! SO FLIPPIN' CUTE, I JUST WANT TO PUNCH SOMETHING! (but not the baby animals.)

Thought & Speech Bubbles of (possibly inappropriate) Stuff You Wish You Said

Having random thought and speech bubbles would be way better than bumper stickers. Don’t get me wrong, both can be snarky or sarcastic or silly or promote your beliefs. But which is more fun: yet another “my delinquent can beat up your honor student” sticker on the car in front of you that just won’t TURN OFF THE DAMN TURN SIGNAL for 7 miles, or interesting and ridiculous non permanent, interchangeable phrases on a bubble?

Also, you could glue or duct tape your thought and speech bubbles to a stick and hold them up with different phrases! I feel like this could catch on. Feel free to use one of my bubbles that I drew out, below!

I had (and still have) a big fake mustache on a stick (it’s a chopstick). This has NOT caught on, though I firmly believe it still will. I have recently been informed that my friend Megan ALSO has a mustache on a stick. This was not planned. I think I love her. When we’re both in DC in 2 weeks, we are going to celebrate our love of fake mustaches by going out for a beer with them.

Boyfriend doesn’t have a mustache, fake or otherwise. He DOES, however, have a delightful goatee that I enjoy stroking, while saying “hmmmmm…” thoughtfully. Obviously, I do this because I do not have a goatee, and everyone thinks better when villainously stroking one. Duh.

Here are some fine examples if things you might wish you had said, want to say, or are afraid to say because SOMEONE might smack you:

(in relationships)

“When you left the room, I picked my nose.”

 “That fart wasn’t the dog…”

“Oh….were you saying something?”

“What? Didn’t we just cuddle LAST night?”

“Yeah? Well, I don’t really CARE what your mom thinks!” *gasp!*

(to your parents)

“NO. JEEEEEEEEEEEZ.”

“Ewwwww, this chicken tastes like a tiger sat on it after it had been left in the sun for week.”

“If by ‘cleaned my room,’ you mean ‘shoved everything in the closet,’ then YEP!”

“I will not be seen in public with you dressed like that.”

“Do I get that ring/this house/those curtains when you kick the bucket?”

(to strangers, with no repercussions)

“What? Yes…exCUSE me?!...wait…are you on Bluetooth?”

“Your hair looks like you set fire to it and tried to put it out by letting ants eat your face.”

“Yes, please just throw your garbage on the ground. Who cares if this is a clean, nice area FOR THE CHILDREN!”

“Don't stare at me while on public transportation. No exceptions. THAT MEANS YOU.”

“I hate you and all that you stand for. Nope, no specific reason why.”

Weird But True...First Edition? I don't really know if there will be more.

Facts (and I think these are interesting! I picked them just for you!):

-No matter how hard you squeeze the 2 ends of an egg at the same time, it will never break. Have fun with that!

-1% of Germans are immune to HIV.

-If you add up the weight of all the ants in whole world, it’s equal to the weight of all the humans in the world. And ants can lift something like 20 times their body weight. (Hope they don’t mutiny against us!)

-Did you know that the reason men have nipples is because ALL fetus’s (fetii??) are female until 6-8 weeks after conception, when the Y chromosome kicks in? By 6-8 weeks, breast tissue, nipples and milk ducts are already formed. This is true for all mammals, except stallions, and only because they don’t have nipples at all. (This gives a whole new light to Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents saying “You can milk anything with nipples.”)

-Studies have shown (and MythBusters did a segment on it!) that cursing out loud helps relieve physical pain, and can raise your level of pain tolerance.

- “Q-Tip” is a brand name. The Q in Q-Tip stands for “quality.” The generic name for the product is “cotton-tipped applicator.” Originally the product was called “Baby Gays.”

-Sean Connery was originally offered the role of Gandalf in Lord of The Rings trilogy…but turned it down because he didn’t understand the story.

-Unicycler Lutz Eichholz holds a weird world record. He rode his unicycle 29 feet, 4 inches on top of beer bottles, which were held steady by a wooden railing. (He rode his UNICYCLE almost 30 feet on only beer bottles. WHY?)

-Your eye muscles move over 100,000 times a day (approximately 3 times per second). They are pretty much constantly moving, and have a special protein that keeps them from experiencing fatigue from moving so quickly and so much. The reason stuff isn’t blurry is because our minds, apparently to prepare for the eye movements before they occur, help us keep track of objects in the visual field.

- Wikipedia has banned the Church of Scientology from editing any articles. It’s the punishment for repeated and deceptive editing of over 400 articles related to Scientology.  Basically, a bunch of people from the Church of Scientology itself were using multiple accounts to silence any critics who cited opposing materials.  Wiki prides itself on being open and inclusive, but apparently enough was enough and many individual users were banned from the whole wiki site for 6 months directly because of this. (I actually laughed out loud at this!)

I have 2 states that I consider mine. Florida: the land of my youth, my family, oranges, and my loss of innocence, and New York: the land of my current residence, my boyfriend, and my enjoyment of many interesting restaurants. Here are dumb/weird laws for those 2 states.

Actual laws in the state of NY:

-It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing “body hugging clothing.” (There are a LOT of criminals near my office.) BUT another law states: Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business. (So, topless is fine, but tight clothes is TOO FAR! haha)

-Citizens may not greet each other by “putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers.” (Um…that’s actually my boss’s daily greeting.)

-It is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s head for fun.  (But it’s A-OK to do it with malicious intent, or for vengeance? DAMN YOU! *Throws ball at someone’s head* “That wasn’t FOR FUN, I wanted you in PAIN!”)

-While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door. (I actually prefer to walk into a crowded elevator, wait until it starts moving, then turn towards everyone and say “I guess you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here…” Arrest me, Dano.)

Actual laws in the state of FL:

-Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (Well…my big brother is in for a rude awakening.)

-Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. (There goes the most popular style of prom and wedding dresses, men!)

-Pregnant pigs are not to be confined to cages. (What? They’re allowed to run free just because they’re pregnant?! You don’t see me allowing my pregnant sister out of the kitchen, do you?)

-It is illegal for a doctor to ask a patient whether or not they own a gun. (Ridiculous. How else will you know which ones to tell bad news to from another room?)

Of the 2, I personally think New York has dumber laws…but I will concede that it also has a ton more people, so statistically, there are a lot more idiots in NY. I mean…just like weird rules and tags you see on things, like “Do not iron clothes while wearing them,” enough idiots did it at some point to actually require that tag!

I Really Liked Boy Meets World & other 90s Shows

That’s ridiculous, it is not past tense. I still like Boy Meets World. I found out a couple weeks ago that there are full episodes of it on youtube! Now, when I jog on the elliptical machine at the gym, instead of plugging in to their system and watching Mythbusters or the 4 millionth episode of House Hunters, I watch old Boy Meets World episodes on my cell phone.

Dang, I love my smartphone. I am telling you, that thing is smarter than I am, for sure. It’s a calculator, a texting-machine, and a handheld Sudoku player. And that is pretty much all I used it for, before I found out I could watch TV on youtube on it. Oh, my Android, my love. 

Back in the 90s, we had an era of amazing television. Boy Meets World, Step by Step, Full House. Today, TGIF is just what people say on Facebook when they think they’re being cute and original on a Friday morning before they’ve had their coffee. In the 90s, it was a 2 hour block of TV from 8-10 on Friday nights that you’d sit down and watch with the whole family. ON PURPOSE.

And the nickelodeon shows! Ren & Stimpy, Rugrats, Recess, Double Dare. I always wished I was on Double Dare or Legends of the Hidden Temple, or even Figure It Out. That one was kind of lame, though. The kids had secret “talents” that celebrities would try to figure out by asking yes or no questions. But they weren’t talented kids! Naming all the states in alphabetical order, or biting cheese into the shape of states isn’t a talent, it’s just what kids do. Though if I remember right, there was a skinny kid who could fit his whole body through a clothes hanger. That one was pretty cool.

I swear, I feel like I would have kicked butt on GUTS and Legends of the Hidden Temple. Please, I would have blown through that temple with all parts of the statue and avoided those guards like a ninja. Probably. Maybe….ok, so I lack the proper amount of coordination for that to be too likely, but I always watched that show feeling like those other 10 year olds just had NO IDEA how to play the game.  Also, I so wish I could have gotten a piece of the Agro Crag! Glowing rock trophy? HELLS yes.

Ahh, waxing nostalgic about the past. When prices were lower, houses were worth more, music was better, and the TV shows were funnier. Perhaps I am remembering it differently than it really was. Funny, but I bet old people reminiscing about back in their day would sound similar. Prices were lower, their music was better, and the radio was the best way to listen to shows.

On a somewhat related note, I’ve don’t think I’ve ever met anyone in my entire life who didn’t know every word of the Prince of Bel-Air theme song. 

**This was NOT PLANNED. I wrote that line above, about Fresh Prince theme song, yesterday, and found this picture today. :) OccupyWillSmith!! (Click for a larger view. He is so good looking.)

A Trio of Poems on Completely Random Topics

"Lamp Of My Heart" by Jyssica Scott

I love you, O Lamp,

Giver of light.

You sit triumphantly

On the stand of night.

Underneath your

Yellow shine,

I read my books

With naked eye.

Though I was blind,

You make me see!

Once, I stubbed my toe,

Now I walk freely!

You’ve lit the path, and

You make me complete.

O Lamp, I love you,

No other can compete.

Except, perhaps, that

Keychain flashlight. For,

When the power goes out

You become useless, quite.

------------------

A Halloween Limerick:

One Halloween, a girl dressed as Pac-Man,

But her friends all said it was whack, man.

She said, I’ll just go slutty,

And so did her buddy,

So, dressed in cold air and giggles, they ran.*

*Shoutout to Megan Bonnell, who provided the perfect last line to the limerick! Holla! :)

-------------------

"The End of Cool" by Jyssica Scott

Oh, LOL.

Oh, LMAO.

Oh, certain dance moves!

Oh, skater shoes.

Oh, bangle bracelets.

I’ll miss you all,

Individually and as a whole.

It was fun while it lasted!

We had a great run,

I thought you might stay,

But, our times together

Have all come to pass.

Once, we would play

And laugh and run,

Now you’re nothing

But a footnote in cool history.

I heard my mom say “LMAO”

Yesterday, and it broke my heart.

To know that it has now joined the

Uncool graveyard.

Just like all the other things

Parents do to be “hip.”

Like, the word “hip.”

See how they ruined that?

Or how about flare-leg jeans?

And comfy converse sneakers,

I see them on parents all the time.

And they don’t even call them chucks!

Oh, Macarena.

I don’t think you were ever really cool.

But the parents took away any tiny

Chance you might have had.

 

 

Oh, UGG boots.

I never liked you anyway,

But a ton of people did, and

Now the baby boomers wear them.

 

 

So, if you love something now

Don’t get too attached,

Sooner or later,

Your parents will do or say it.

And that is totally the

End of Cool as we know it.

Who Doesn't Love Getting Presents In The Mail?

On a Russian Mail-Order Bride website FAQ:

“Do not call her a mail-order bride.” Yes, that makes sense. Do not call your new wife a hooker. GOT IT. Step one, complete.

On the other hand, that’s what she IS. How else would you describe her sometimes? Perfect example: Guys are pretty oblivious. Let’s say you got a mail order bride, you brought her over maybe 4 months ago. Now, you’re out hanging with your best friend. He says, “Hey. So, who’s that chick that I’ve kinda noticed seems to be at your place a lot?” “Well, my incredibly observant friend, that would be my live-in mail-order bride. She’s Russian. There’s a language barrier, but hotness overrides any conversation.” “DUDE!” *high five*

And that would likely be the sum total of conversations ever to be had about that.

Mail-Order brides: a pricey contractual obligation to “love,” honor, and cherish a complete stranger, who now lives with you, gets a green card, shares your life and room, and touches all your stuff.

Oh, no. How annoying would it be for someone to just touch all your stuff? And move it the hell around! That would drive my minor OCD absolutely INSANE. What if she breaks something? With the language barrier, how would you even let her know that what she did was wrong? Slap her hand like a small child? A time out? Rubbing her nose in it and repeating “no!”?

A mail-order bride would be a fun gift, though. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Tommy! Open mine first!” Tommy: “Yay!!! Presents! *rip rip tear* It’s…a dead blonde? Um..thanks?” You: “Crap. I knew I should have put in air holes.”

Or, if she lives through the gift-wrap experience, Tommy might be a bit more excited. “A chick! You got me a blonde? Who only speaks Russian?! And you’ve obligated me to marry her and live with her for a minimum of one year? Screw Maryann, she was bringing me down, anyway.  You know me so well, brosef.”

Just remember to include instructions with the gift: This mail-order bride must be fed, watered, walked, and occasionally looked at to maintain her outward appearance and inner will to stay with you and alive (both are necessary for complete enjoyment of M-OB). Do not burn, eat, shoot at, or scream at this bride, as this may result in voiding of the warranty. Warranty only covers accidental damage, but does not include any water/liquid damage that you may incur. Please refrain from stabbing or puncturing your bride, contents may be under extreme pressure. Do not microwave, broil, marinate, grill, flambé, or  pickle your bride.

No exchanges. Don’t come crying to me when you don’t like her anymore, that’s not included in the warranty, chucklehead.

Where is my book deal, Random House?

How does one become famous with a blog? Don’t think I haven’t noticed that there are blogs out there that have become super popular and gotten book deals and stuff.  I’m just saying, I am up to what, 11, maybe 12 posts now? I should totally be famous. I have not yet reached my blog-pinnacle.

I mean, obviously I am hilarious. That’s how this works. If you HAVE a blog, you automatically are super hilarious. Causing hilarity and guffaws wherever you go. Chuckles, even. Sometimes giggles, but I’ll admit that I find giggling annoying, and I associate it in my mind with boy-crazy 13 year old girls, who should still be thinking about toys and stuff and not boys, and have you noticed that kids are having sex younger and younger and even getting pregnant super young? Have they never heard of condoms? I mean, if you think you’re old enough for the emotional and physical step of sex, then perhaps you should be old enough to walk into any of the 17 gazillion drugstores in every town and buy a box of condoms. Condoms are kind of expensive, but babies are way MORE expensive, and that ass-whooping I’ll give my kid who tries this stuff will hurt a lot more than the minor embarrassment of buying them in a store.

Because that is the kind of BS excuse I see on stuff like MTVs 16 and Pregnant. “I was too embarrassed to buy condoms.” Really? Guess that embarrassment didn’t extend to not going on national TV and discussing it.

And stop being such idiots. There are so many ways to get the information. It’s not like you didn’t know that pregnancy and STDs were a possibility. And if a guy (or girl!) ever tells you that you have to have sex with them to “prove your love” or some such crap, then they are totally playing you and you need to have a bit more self-respect to let them know that if they really loved you, they’d be willing to wait ‘til you felt ready and comfortable making that step.

Whoa! That was a tangent if I’ve ever seen one!  OK, so back to my not-yet-famous-ness. I am going to concede that not that many people know about my blog yet, so maybe I just need to wait a few more weeks. Hmm…my sister finally admitted I’m funny. It’s a win, trust me. I always joke around and tell my brothers and sister: “Don’t forget, I’m awesome and funny!” And the typical response is: “How can I forget if you’re always reminding me??” So true, Confucius.

I promise if I get book-level famous, which is actually the level I WANT, not actual famous with people knowing who I am, then I swear I will put at last half to 2/3 new material in the book and not just recycled entries. This is a ridiculous promise. I have all of about 7 people that read my blog right now. Lol!! This entertains me.

Other things that entertain me (not a complete list by a long shot): my guilty pleasure tabloid magazines (shut UP.), my best friends, people who freak out in a light misting rain, penguins, sea otters, complaining about the inherent false advertising of the koala bear (THEY ARE ADORABLE LIARS!), youtube, Boy Meets World, funny poems, stickers, mail-order brides, and old people.