Life Lessons. Or, Things They Don’t Teach You In College.

 This is going to be hard to believe, but I didn't pop out of the womb this smart. I know, I know, you're saying "What?! How can this BE? Everything I have believed makes no sense anymore! Why, oh WHY ME?" But there it is. I have stumbled, fallen, picked myself up again, and learned from it more times than I can count on my fingers and toes. Therefore, the actual number may not exist. 

Luckily for you, dear, sweet, innocent readers, I am sharing with you these 12 important life lessons. One thing I will mention is that no one flippin' told me this stuff early enough. Or maybe they did and I wasn't ready to listen. If it was my parents saying it, then I definitely didn't listen! Either way, here are 12 things that I have learned about life, the hard way. Not in books, not in school, and definitely not from TV. Especially the TV shows I watch! They are all true, and I feel like we should all learn a little something.

1. You’re never going to be 100% happy about everything, all of the time.
There are parts of every job that you won’t like. Even if you get the exact job you went to school for, or dreamed of since you were 7, there will be parts of it you just won’t enjoy. If you’re a pop star, the constant travel and PR might get on your nerves; if you own your own business, you might hate the nightly paperwork and accounting; if you are a computer tech, you may dislike certain client questions; you may simply hate the long hours that you hadn’t realized you’d be working. It is a part of life. You won’t like everything all the time, just like you won’t like or be liked by everyone all the time. As long as you like MOST of your job, you are pretty ahead of the curve. 

2. You will not be liked by everyone.
Fact of life, my friend. You don’t like every single person you come in contact with, client or not. And they will not always like you. Sometimes it is a simple personality clash and you just don’t mesh well. Sometimes, that other person is a terrible excuse for a human being. There is nothing you can do about it. Being a business person also means realizing that you are not always there to make friends. You are there to do your job to the best of your ability, and then go home and eat bacon-wrapped pizza dogs with your cat. And sometimes, even your cat may not like you. But trust me, there are tons of people--and animals--who will like you. You can’t take it personally. Life is not about making it easy on you, and everyone’s own lives are centered around themselves, not you.

3. As a manager, you are not your employees’ friend.
As a leader in any situation, you want your underlings to like and respect you. I get it, it’s natural. However, you can’t be everyone’s best friend. You just can’t. Your job is to make sure they are doing their job. And if you are gossiping with them, or drinking with them every night, your lemmings will assume that that behavior is okay, and will not work as hard, knowing that you won’t mind if something is late, or sloppy, or they are too hungover to work today.

4. You really do catch more flies with honey.
Ugh, that is such a stupid sounding phrase. But the gist is correct. Being a competent manager or leader, or even being a good customer, depends mostly on you. If you are rude, and mean, and threatening, you will not get as much service and you will make a bad impression, whether it is on a client who will not return with more business in the future, or the cashier at the grocery store who is trying to pay for school. Good rule: Be nice to customer service people. Trust me on this one. They can make things easier or harder for you, and your attitude will decide which one. People will remember your rudeness. Being nice is easier, things tend to get done sooner, and you might actually make a few friends along the way. That is not to say you shouldn’t stand up for yourself is someone is treating you badly.

5. You have to stand up for yourself and/or your company.
Rude, angry customers and clients are fait accompli. You WILL encounter them. Someone might be having a bad day and accidentally take it out on you, someone may be frustrated at the situation and lash out, someone may just be a rude jerk who can’t figure out that not everything goes their way all the time. To a certain extent, this is normal. As a worker, whether you own the company or are the mail-kid, you just have to do your job as best you can, try to appease the client or boss, and try not to take it personally. However, if anyone, a customer or a manager, is mean to you in a personal attack or an inappropriate way, you absolutely have the right to stand up for yourself. Don’t get in someone’s face and scream obscenities. Be firm, explain why the situation is not okay, and stand your ground.
If you are at a store or restaurant and it is a worker being inappropriate, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking to speak to a manager, or getting the phone number of the corporate office. As a person and as a customer, you deserve a modicum of politeness, and you have to assume that you are not the only customer being treated this way, and the company needs to be aware that there is a problem, before they can address it. Stand up for yourself, but do not stoop to the level of the person being nasty to you.

6. Learn to like coffee.
Trust me, you will need it.

http://explodingdog.com/title/ineedcoffee.html

7. Everything will not always go your way.
In the real world, especially in a situation where it is your first job, or when you are just low on the totem pole in a company, no one cares who your parents are, what your last name is, how much money you have, or what types of clothes you wear. If you used to stand on that type of stuff in high school and college, and especially if you’ve ever used the oversaturated line, “Do you KNOW who I am?!” I am here to tell you: Nope. They really don’t know or care who you are. You are working now. The only way to prove yourself is to do your job, and do it well. Demanding special status, treatment, more money for the same job, or giving excuses is just not okay, and makes you look like an overindulged toddler. Guess what? That coworker whom you think is stupid and not rich, or who you don’t like for various other personal reasons, may make more money than you or have a better title or job description, but it is because that person will have earned it. And claiming that “It’s just not FAIR.” won’t change anything.

8. Life isn’t fair. Isn’t that great?
Yeah, we have ALL said it at one point or another. Life just isn’t FAIR. And it would be so much easier on me if it was! It’s not FAIR that that other person got the last of the tater tots, I wanted some! It’s not FAIR that guy got a promotion before I did. Well, while sometimes you may be right, and it really isn’t fair, it’s still the way things are sometimes. I’ll let you in on a secret, though. Life isn’t fair for ANYONE, and in a way, that kind of makes it fair for everyone. Nice little nugget of profundity there, huh? Yep.
Most of us learn this at some point in our lives. We finally have that realization that life isn’t just out to get ME, it’s out to get EVERYONE. And somehow, that makes it all a little better. Some people don’t ever get this particular epiphany, and some of them end up criminals. Think about it. It isn’t that far of a jump from “That’s not fair!” to “Well, if Life won’t be fair, I’ll just take what I want.” to “It wasn’t my fault, Judge, that guy wouldn’t just GIVE me the money when I asked nicely!”

9. The criminal justice system isn’t always right.
This one is tough. We grow up respecting and believing that when bad people do bad things, they are punished. Reality intercedes when, as an adult, you come to realize that the system isn’t perfect. There are corrupt cops in the world, sometimes innocent people are wrongly accused, and there are people who get away with crimes. A lot of people do get caught, and some don’t. Sometimes, there are heinous crimes that are hard to prove beyond a reasonable doubt.  Which is what the law requires. This one is a difficult pill for me to swallow, even now. It just isn’t fair! The system is a good one, but not perfect.

10. You can't change people.
You might have the best of intentions, and honestly want to help people, and I totally give you credit for that. But you cannot make someone change, and you just won't be able to. Whether it is something like a health problem, like wanting someone to quit smoking, or eat better, or exercise more, or if it is something larger, like wanting someone to be more ambitious or considerate, or even go back to college. The only time a change can happen is when a person wants to do it, and is ready to do it, for themselves. You can't force someone to do anything, even when you are really only doing it because you care about them. And even if you could, or if you do nag someone into changing that thing about themselves, there is going to be some resentment. If you truly care about someone, you have to be supportive and considerate of them. You can give advice, you can help them if they ask, but you can't, and shouldn't try to, force them to change if they don't want to.

11. There is little point in having regrets.
Here is the thing about regrets: it happened, it’s over, and you can’t change it. Whatever it is in your past that you have regrets about, it’s over. That is why it’s called the past. The best thing you can do is to get up, dust yourself off, learn from your mistakes, and move on. Dwelling on it won’t change anything except making you sad or angry, or hurt. You have to figure out what you learned from the situation, and make changes in yourself if necessary, and move forward. That’s not to say you should forget it, but you have to move past it in order to continue living. This is a very tough thing for most people to do, but it is certainly an important one.

I have bad news for you. Here is the last one on this list:

12. Your parents were right.
This one sucks to admit. Unless you are already a parent yourself, and are therefore now feeling smug and self-righteous and are pointing to this while saying to your kids “neener neener, this say I’m right! So there!”

In that case, maybe not ALL parents are right.

But here’s the thing. Hindsight is 20/20. Your parents have already done all the stupid kid stuff that you want to do. All the misadventures and parties and probably drugs, and underage drinking, and driving where you know you aren’t supposed to. They did it all, and they did it during a time when people didn’t record and youtube every stupid thing they said or did. Your parents were probably better at getting away with it, too, since they didn’t brag about their stupid escapades on a then-nonexistent Facebook, forgetting that Mom is one of your Facebook friends.

Because they have done it all already, and they also understand how dumb teenagers actually are (and they are. As a former teen, I will attest to this fact.), they are trying to protect you and keep you from being an idiot and making bad decisions. As a kid, we think that our parents are oppressing us and not letting us make our own decisions, or be independent, and that they just want to be fun vampires who suck the awesome out of everything we will ever love.

They are RIGHT. My mom is going to be so vindicated when she reads this. They love you, they want you to be adults someday, and not killed drag racing a Honda Civic down Main Street. They also would prefer you to not be jailed, maimed, or have any other lifelong consequences of your idiotic 16-year-old decisions.

That one may have been the toughest life lesson that I ever had to learn. Dammit, Mom!

My mom and I. She's pretty awesome, when she isn't overly excited about being right when I was younger.

One last life lesson I have learned and wish to share with you:
Don’t sit next to the hobo on the train. That smell doesn’t dissipate.

I know this was a long one, so in order to leave you with something to make you smile. As if that picture of my adorable mom and I didn't do enough, here:

Oh, Paul Rudd. Adore.

Hurricane Sandy Reaffirms My Belief That Not Working Is Boring. And An Ode To Leftover Halloween Candy.

I always kind of thought about retirement as forever into the future and even further away. I figured I’ll be old, and boring, and tired of working, and possibly rich. I would laze around all day, going to the beach or wandering in woods somewhere, and travel a lot, and maybe go fishing.

Now, I’m thinking I might have to work forever! I have 2 points of reference for this:
1. I was unemployed for a time, after moving to NYC and before I found my current job. I generally spent every day, all day, in the local public library, using their internet to job search, taking up space, and reading. The total length of unemployment: 5 weeks.
2. I just spent the last 9 days at home. Doing NOTHING.

Thanks to Hurricane Sandy, that jerkface storm that ripped through the northeast, NYC lost all transportation options, had a bunch of flooding and fires and people without power and stuck AT HOME. For a week.

At first, I was like “YEAH. BRING IT, SANDY!” As I am a native Floridian, I have slept through many a hurricane. I went out and got back up batteries for the flashlights and made sure we had food in the house, and filled a couple pitchers with water. I was as prepared as I was going to get.

Unfortunately, NY is nothing like the flat lands of Florida. A LOT of NYC is right on the water, and have you ever noticed all these tall buildings we have everywhere? The winds between those skyscrapers have a canyon effect, whipping around and through the spaces in-between**. So, while wind whistled at my windows and howled down the lanes all around my beloved Brooklyn, I sat inside. In sweatpants.

Because, come on, if I am at home, that is a no-pants zone. Or at least, no work-pants. Shorts, gym shorts, sleep shorts and sweatpants are all acceptable on my couch.

But for the first couple of days, the storm was coming and then it was here, so you’re truly just stuck inside. After that, I was still stuck at home, but at least Boyfriend and I could go wandering and out to lunch just to get out of the house. Around Thursday, my gym opened back up, and I went to the gym each day, as another way of getting out of the house for a bit.

Do you know what there is to do all day long, when you’re sitting at home and have nowhere to be? Watch Judge Judy and Food Network. THAT’S IT. There isn’t anything that good on tv, and you can only stare at it for so long, before you start rolling around on the couch, flailing your arms about, and complaining to the other person trapped in the house with you, about how bored you are. OH, AND EAT LEFTOVER HALLOWEEN CANDY.

Trust me, that other person is not that sympathetic after Day 1. He would do that exasperated sigh-eye roll thing, wherein you know he’s really thinking “OMG. You are 26 years old. Entertain yourself and stop poking me in the sides, I am trying to play this game!”

Oh...wait. He didn’t think it, he just said it out loud to my FACE. :)

Leftover halloween candy is the most evil thing in the world. There it is, everytime you walk in the kitchen, taunting you from it’s bowl. “Eat me!” It says, “I am sooo delicious! You bought all your favorite kinds!” Well, of course I did. I didn’t want to have crappy candy sitting in my kitchen, leftover after the children had come and gone.

Except wait...because of the storm, NO ONE came and trick or treated! I had a giant bowl full of all of mine and BF’s favorite candies, just SITTING THERE, while I am just sitting around the house in flannel sleep shorts, bored. And do you know what happens when you’re bored? YOU MUNCH ON EVERYTHING.

In spite of the boredom and the childish taunting from brightly wrapped candies, BF and I were very lucky**. We didn’t have any damage and didn’t even lose power. In fact, most of our friends lost power, and they came over daily to bask in the glow of our 40-watts and to soak up some of our wondrous power. Yes, yes, we know we are powerful. Also, they helped us eat some of that damn candy. Good thing I don’t have kids. I’d be sifting through their loot like “Oh. THIS one looks dangerous, better hold onto that KitKat. Here, kid. You can have the tootsie rolls.”

I’m pretty sure my mom used to steal my halloween candy when I was a kid. Just sayin’, sometimes the inventory was off.

Back to the point. Sitting at home, not working and with nothing productive to do, is supercalafragalistically boring and being back at work is totally great. Yay, I am a productive, contributing member of society once again! Here's a poem.


An Ode To Leftover Halloween Candy:

There you sit,
Wrapped so brightly.
Taunting me with your sugaryness
And pulling me in tightly.

I try to resist
Your sugary high
But you sit, patiently waiting
Every time I walk by.

I tell myself,
“Just one or two!”
I think,
How bad can just one be for you?

Halfway through the bowl,
I wonder where it all went.
And at the audacity of the sugar
To change the way my mind bent.

Instead of a fruit
Or some healthier snack,
I now have Twizzlers and Twix
On full-out attack.

Your wrappers glint
Like sunlight off dew,
And the more I resist,
The more I'm drawn to you.

Teeming with candy,
Your light, you bestow.
Where, oh where,
The heck did it all go?
---------------------------------------------------------------
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**For those who were less fortunate than I, and to help my friends and neighbors here in NY, here is the information for donating to the clean up efforts and the victims of Hurricane Sandy:

Disney and ABC have teamed up with the American Red Cross for a “Day of Giving” to raise money for hurricane relief efforts. From “Good Morning America” to “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC shows will give viewers the chance to help those devastated by the storm by making a contribution to the American Red Cross. Here’s how you can participate:

• TEXT: Text ABC to 90999 to give a $10 donation to the Red Cross.

• ONLINE:  Go to www.redcross.org/abc to make a donation of any amount.

• BY PHONE:  Call 1-800-HELP-NOW. This number will bypass all the other menu options and direct your call to Hurricane Sandy relief.

Hurricane Sandy has affected millions along the East Coast, causing massive devastation and destruction and in its wake. Recovery efforts are underway as emergency crews scramble to get supplies to the hardest-hit communities, but many estimate that the relief effort may be the most expensive in U.S. history.

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2012/11/abcs-day-of-giving-to-help-hurricane-sandy-victims-live-blog/

You can also donate clothes and kid’s things to Red Cross, FEMA, Goodwill and Salvation Army, and many churches and synagogues around NYC.

What To Expect When You Aren’t Expecting--But Everyone Else Is.

So young and adorable!

I am in my mid-twenties. I love my mid-twenties! I’m the same age as those kids from Friends and Scrubs when they were first starting out in the shows. Hell, those each lasted almost 10 years and everyone still loves them, in syndicated reruns.

I have friends that are starting to freak out about turning 30 relatively soon. First of all, WHY?? Why is 30 such a big deal? Will I wake up on my 30th birthday in a conservative suit and pantyhose, with my biological clock ticking and a boring job in suburbia, suddenly firmly entrenched as a “grown up”?

No way! My 30s will be awesome. I love getting older. We all do it, it’s inevitable, might as well enjoy the hell out of the process. My mom turns 63 in a few months, and you know what? She loves life. And every year, when my brothers and I tease her about being an old lady, she laughs and says, “Better than the alternative! Which is dead!” Two things: One, this perfectly sums up my mom’s way of life. Live it, enjoy it, and worry less about the number and more about how you feel. Two: Why does she need to name the alternative? Is she afraid that if she doesn’t mention that the alternative is being dead, that I would suddenly have started to think that maybe the alternative to aging is anti-aging, and I would expect her to start getting younger every year on her birthday? What a weirdo. Now you see where I get it from. Apple doesn’t fall far from that weirdo-nerd tree.

But do you know what happens in your mid-to-late twenties? Do you KNOW what starts happening suddenly, out of nowhere, with little to no warning? All your friends get strange and then bedecked in white and with rings and then the BABIES start coming. On purpose! All of a sudden, with no prior warning, babies are popping out all over the place. My best friend in the whole world is pregnant, and I am in awe. My brother has already had 2 kids! I have, at last count, 3 pregnant cousins.

It’s bizarre! I can barely wrap my mind around taking care of myself and possibly the puppy I’m trying to convince my boyfriend we can’t live without (and how have we even survived this long without one, anyway?), and people my own age, whom I love and stuff, are having tiny humans! The whole world has gone mad. MAD, I TELL YOU.

They are out bringing honor to their families and continuing generations and stuff. I am finding and saving pictures I find online that make me laugh. And loving mustaches.

Hahahahahaha!

I love Halloween!

Yep, that gets stuck right in your head.

I do love babies, though. I love little kids. Playing with them, reading to them. I hang out with my niece and nephew on the regular. Partially because I 100% adore them, and partially so that, in spite of my brother and sister-in-law, they can have some sort of cool influence in their tiny, short-statured lives. I fully love kids, and I am great with them, if I do say so myself. I make a conscious effort not to step on kids, even sticky-fingered stranger-children at the mall! I give love and tickles. I just don’t see myself as a child-having adult quite yet.

And I have suddenly realized that I am surrounded by baby-havers. There are so many pregnant women in my life right now! And that would have sounded a lot more awkward if I were a guy.

And what happens to unmarried, childless Jyssica when all the baby-havers are out having babies? I’ll tell you what happens! It is the same thing that happens at every family wedding, baby shower, bris, baby-naming, and Hanukkah party. THE QUESTIONS.

When I was unrepentantly single:
“You think you’re going to want kids someday?”
“So, are you thinking about marriage?”
“What ever happened to that one guy you dated? He liked kids, didn’t he?”

It’s like once your friends and similarly aged cousins start getting married and starting a family, suddenly they turn to you and start wondering why you haven’t jumped on that yet.

Luckily, I not only adore my verbose and ridiculous family, I also have a longterm boyfriend, whom they all like. So, the questions have died off, of late. If I were still the single girl, going to all these baby showers and weddings, they certainly would be asked.

Thank G-d my family loves me and just wants me to be happy. Imagine if they hated me!

Then I would get far more awkward questions, like:
“What are you doing in my house, you creeper?”
“Why are you hiding in my bushes and staring at my basketball hoop in the driveway?”
“Who are you, again? I’m calling the police!”

And then all the drama of Law & Order, and being booked and read my rights and interrogated and stuff would happen, and all my secrets would be out. Thank goodness, it would only last an hour and get wrapped up in a neat little bow. I hope they don’t call any psychiatric witnesses at my trial!

Anyway, despite my lack of kids, I love my best friend, I love my cousins, and I can’t wait to meet everyone’s new kids. Also, I am pretty excited that I get to hang out with my niece and nephew for Thanksgiving and Hanukkah, so twice in two months. They think I am awesome. And really, they are so very right. :)

You Ever Just Make Up Words?

Word: Goofbomber.
Definition: It’s a new term I have made up, it derives from the word “goofball” but goes a step further, to describe a person so full of goofiness, that they lay a goofbomb on a group of people, and the goof just explodes outward in a seismic wave. That group of people are unwitting casualties of the goofbomb.

It feels like this, but with no water. Just goofs. Credit: niktaylor.com

Do you know what things are incredibly fun? Extravaganzas. Extravaganzas are fun and the word is incredibly rad, too. Have you ever been to an extravaganza and had a bad time? Of course not! The word has the connotation of fun and sillyness. Perhaps the perfect place to drop a goofbomb on your peeps. And yes, I just used my newly made-up word in a sentence. Miriam-Webster--There is your usage example and definition. In addition, pretty sure it’s a noun. If you need phonetics, you should call me. We have to get this right the first time.
In fact, O Dictionary Gods, I have a few other words you should be adding into your tome and others that need some re-defining. See below.

Word: Amazon.
Definition: The crack that keeps you awake at night, forces you to spend more money than you wanted to, or have, and may or may not have every known thing in the universe available to buy. I LOVE KINDLE. KINDLE AND I ARE IN LOVE.

How could I not be in love with such a dapper and dashing sort??

This is vaguely creepy. but loving!

Word: Baco-splosion.
Definition: When you have a whole bunch of bacon (unit of measure: One Bunch o’ Bacon) and it spontaneously explodes in any or all directions. Hopefully mostly towards your mouth, but if not: I feel bad for you, son, I got 99 problems, but bacon ain’t one.

Word: Fetch.
Definition: Just kidding! Stop trying to make ‘fetch’ happen. It will never happen!

Word: Frastic.
Definition: When a person or animal (refers only to animate beings, does not apply to inanimate objects, even if you hallucinate that they are talking to you) gets really, really busy and are trying to do multiple projects that require time and concentration and effort, and you end up at a frantic and spastic pace. Sometimes, when overly frastic, one may develop a twitch.

Word: Mailfail.
Definition: When you check your mailbox and get all excited because there are several pieces of mail in there, but most of them are not addressed to you, and in fact, are addressed to idiots who haven’t lived there in years, but never had their mail forwarded. Sad, deephearted mailfail. ESPECIALLY if it is a mis-addressed or mis-delivered package. Check out some other interesting things about mail here. Be warned: that link will take you to a post that talks about mail-order brides and other stuff.

Word made up by Megan! Follow her on twitter at @meganbonnell. She is awesome.
Word: Mathmagical.
Definition: 1. When you get the right answer to a math problem, completely by accident.
2. Or that moment when math FINALLY clicks and it all starts to make sense.
(Side note: I never had that special 2nd definition feeling.)

Word: Pants.
Definition: The things that differentiate a workday from a non-workday. (Unless you work from home, in which case, I hate you and all that you stand for. Go put on some pants in solidarity with the rest of us! I DEMAND IT!)

Word: Rudetastrophe.
Definition: The catastrophe that befalls you (or that you deserve, even if you haven’t received it yet.) when you are inexorably rude to others. Examples: Not doing the little finger-wave when I let you in front of me in traffic; Walking on the left side of the sidewalk (bastard!); People who are not appropriately nice to customer service workers.
Customer service includes, but is not limited to: servers, bussers, clerks at hotels, cashiers, baggers, retail workers, and tech support. They are doing their job, you have no business yelling at them, swearing at them, calling them names, or trying to convert them to your religion. If you are not able to firmly, but politely state what is wrong and what kind of solution you’d like, CALM YOURSELF. And then, grow the heck up, chucklehead.
Usage in a sentence: "You're staring down the barrel of a rudetastrophe if you don't BACK IT UP."

It's like raaaaaaa-ee-aaaaaain! On your wedding dayyyy!

Word: Un-brella
Definition: The phenomenon wherein you know it is supposed to rain (or perhaps you don’t. I don’t know you. You might not be a check-the-weather-before-you-leave type of person.) and forget your umbrella, remembering only once it has already started to rain, and you reach for the phantom umbrella you could just swear you put in your bag this morning.

You know the problem with the word “awful”? The problem is that it could easily be used as “full of awesomeness” or “you are full of awe when you bask in the glory that is my rainbow of special.” Except it means the opposite. It means something is terrible and gross and probably smells, too. What a waste of a perfectly good word.

I don’t know. I just have a thing for words. It may be because my mother is an English/reading teacher and has been for my entire existence. It may be because I read a LOT. Perhaps because I am a writer? When I write a song or a poem, I spend time making sure the words, the phrases come together to form the exact image I want to emote.

Or it could be because I am a weirdo who over-analyzes things like how to word FEELS when I say or how my mouth is shaped. Who knows? I also have a strange enjoyment of certain numbers and dislike of others.

Fun Ways To Let People Know You’re Looking For A Job.

aka Helpful Hints for The Job Searching Public.

Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. I mean, I’m employed, right? I'm also a blogger. Therefore, I am a winner and you should totally listen to me.

1. Make your LinkedIn status “Job-single and ready to career-mingle, baby!” That way, they know you’re serious about a job, friendly, looking for a good time, and only slightly drunk at 10 am.

2. Walk around wearing a sandwich board that says “Hire me, and I’ll bring sandwiches for lunch!” Employers need to know that you care about the team and are willing to buy them some lunch to bribe them to do your work sometimes. Everyone loves a free lunch!

3. Make sure your resume is updated. Remove any references to your “illegal side-job” and your “crappy boss who always tried to make me do stuff that wasn’t in my job description!” Bad idea. First off, your job description was left vague for a reason, and there was a line there at the end that said “and any additional tasks deemed necessary.” Secondly, shut your cheese-hole about me. I am not crappy.

4. Wear a T-shirt that claims “If you hire me, I’ll wear low-cut shirts everyday!” But only if you are a girl or a not-so-hairy guy, and definitely not if you’re super old. No one wants to see that! Well, maybe some people do, like other equally old people, but I can’t even verify that with a statistic.

5. Pass out your resume on the street! There are all kinds of potential employers out there, and they are passing you by right now! Hop to it! Make sure to include your address, phone number, and email, so that they can contact you with opportunities. Or stalk you. Either way, new friends! Yay!

6. Create a Youtube channel and do a video diary every single day about how great and awesome and star-tastic you are, including all of your accomplishments (Rizzo from Grease! It proves I can sing and am just slightly slutty!) and aspirations (Someday I hope to accomplish the most amazing, happy-riffic thing I could ever do! Get married to my SOULMATE.). Make sure you wear your oldest sweatshirt and don’t bother to shower. Employers like knowing the real you.
(In my head, this is how an overly-bubbly Legally-Blonde-esque 21-year-old sounds)

7. Tell everyone about that screenplay/novel/script you wrote, and make sure to give them a very detailed description, including that sweet love scene between the alien-headed half-boy and the female minotaur, who cross the boundaries of time, space, and species to be together one last time, before the girl has to leap off into the rainbows to find her way home and to the arranged marriage her parents set up with the neighborhood butcher’s son, who is one-quarter pig. It's incredible, since his father is a butcher and all, that he is even still alive today with all of his bacon-y goodness.

8. Prepare for interviews by watching a lot of cop shows and movies. Criminal Minds, Bones, Law and Order, some NYPD Blue. After all, what is an interrogation other than a slightly aggressive interview?

9. Aggressively call, email, fax, shout out on social media, and write physical letters to the company of your dreams. Trust me, those guys at Google love getting your resume and cover letter and expressions of excitement from every available technology, and will perceive your stalking as persistence. Who doesn’t want a persistent and technologically advanced employee?

10. Pursue another college degree. Did you realize that the government will just GIVE you money to pay for school? You can be a student forever! And student loans don’t start getting paid off until about 6 months after you graduate. So, if you are a student forever, then when you die with $1,345,652 in student loans, you will have gotten a free life-long education! And I am pretty sure they release the debt when you die, not going after your family for the money. Just saying--loophole!

There you go, my knowledge of the job market, in a helpful list format. And with correct grammar, punctuation and spelling! Take that, internet!

If you can’t find a job now, I am pretty sure you’re doing something wrong. After all, who wouldn’t want a person who is clever, witty, entertaining, buys lunch for the office, dresses mildly provocatively, has a spectacular education, AND knows all about today's advanced technology, such as robots and fax machines?

YOU ARE WELCOME, WORLD.

When People Find Out...

...That I Live In NYC:

People from New York: “Oh? How long have you lived here? 2.5 years? YOU’RE NOT A REAL NEW YAWKA! I have been in the city since BIRTH. I was born on the TRAIN, and you know why? Because only sissy tourists need cabs or ambulances! Do you even know where Carnegie Deli is?! You’ll never be one of US! ...But, you know, welcome to NY.”

People not from New York: “Oh. My. GAWD. You live in New York CITY?! That’s so cool. I visited there once, when I was 9 and three quarters. I totally saw the Empire State Building. I could so live there. My cousin’s roommate’s brother’s grandma’s friend lives in New York! She’s blonde. Do you know her?”

My Jewish mother: “My daughter lives in NEW YORK. The US Jewish mecca! Maybe she’ll finally date a Jew!”


...That I’m From Florida:

People from Florida: “OK.”

People from Anywhere Else: “Oh god, isn’t it like, SO HOT there? How did you live there? Did you have alligators in your yard? Have you ever wrestled an alligator? Are there a lot of old people there? Hey, you know, my great-great grandparents live in Boca, do you know them?”

Yes. I know EVERY old person in a state filled with old people.

...That I Went To The University of Florida:

People from Florida: “Hell yeah! Par-TAY! Go Gators!”

People from Anywhere Else: “Hell yeah! Go Gators!”

Damn right!

...That I Haven’t Read ‘50 Shades of Grey’:

Men: “What’s that?”

Women: “No. Way. You totally have to read it! It’s so sensual and amazing and even though the writing isn’t that great, it is so SEXY! And Christen is SO HOT. You have to read it. I can’t believe you haven’t read it! You love to read! You HAVE to read it. And they’re making a movie, and we can go watch it together and if you read it, I’ll have someone to talk to about BDSM!”
(FYI: As soon as I hear that “the writing isn’t that great,” I lose whatever tiny bits of interest I had previously!)


...That You Hate Any Food They Love:

“What? Nooo! [food] is the best! You just haven’t tried it prepared the way I make it. You will love it. Just try it. Try it. EAT THIS BITE OR I WILL ATTACK YOU PHYSICALLY WITH ANYTHING WITHIN REACH! I WILL BOX YOUR EARS AND annoy you until you eat this amazingly delicious morsel that you’ve tried 5297 times in different ways and still think you hate.”

...and this is why I have found that it is easier to tell everyone I am allergic to nuts. I’m not. I just don’t like them. And everyone seems absolutely sure that I just haven’t had it in a Snickers, or in brownies, or roasted, or whatever way is their personal favorite.

Squash: one of the devil-foods that I hate the MOST.

I find myself doing the same thing, though. I love broccoli. It is my literally favorite vegetable, and I eat it several times per week. A few weeks ago, someone told me they didn’t like broccoli. And it was basically a personal affront. Like they were attacking not just my way of life, but somehow dishonoring my family’s name. I KNEW if they could just try broccoli sauteed on the stovetop with garlic, salt and pepper, the way I do it at home, that they would fall into the blissful broccoli love that I do. So, it is simply easier for me to tell people I am allergic to nuts.

Given how common of an allergy it is, no one really questions it. I am not lying to hurt anyone. It’s one of those little white lies that is just easier on everyone involved. because now you don’t have to waste your time trying to convince me of the awesomeness of almond-pecan-cashew butter and I don’t have to wrinkle my nose and say no, OR suck it up and try it, because you’ve made a mildly convincing or long-winded enough argument.

All in all, life is good. Broccoli and I are very happy together, Boyfriend and I are done decorating our completely awesome and incredibly attractive apartment, including the most amazing fluffy and comfortable couch ever, I have been doing the blog now for almost a year and a half, and I still enjoy thinking of new random and funny things to post for the 13 people who read it regularly, and BEST of all, my very bestest most amazing and coolest friends in the whole entire WORLD are coming tomorrow to visit! Love them, and we will be playing tourist.

Except in New York and not Paris.

If you see a group of people standing in the middle of the sidewalk taking pictures of buildings and talking 17 miles per minute, while one person tries to herd the rest out of the middle of the sidewalk and sighs exasperatingly but lovingly at their tourist-y antics, that’s us!